a survivors poem
This is basically my story. Just tried to put it into words that rhymed. Not sure it qualifies as "poetry". At first what I have written here may seem negative, it is what I actually thought and felt during my years of abuse and as I tried to recover. Some core beliefs needed "readjusting" but I did get through this painful mess (when often I thought that I wouldn't) and I know that YOU can too! ... "Healing is POSSIBLE"! You are courageous to even begin to walk this road...don't ever give up!
A SHATTERED LIFE
Long ago during adolescent days
all you did was heap on praise
It was the world I thought of you
and my family as well, who knew?
You were a priest, holy indeed
I was just a child very much in need
You explained this is love and it's okay
until you realized I was pulling away
Your obsession with me, it really grew
as you tried to isolate me from everyone I knew
You took me on trips and gave me nice things
all others were jealous of our ring
You often said without me you could not exist
I was so very afraid of this
Your temper, manipulation and absolute control
I felt I was dying, I was loosing my soul
When things were wrong you were very mad
yet in the end I was always "the bad"
Sad, angry and powerless I became
I wasn't even sure if I was still sane
Should life go on, how can I know what is true?
It was the grace of GOD which saw me through
It was time to move on so I moved out
now it was my younger brother you were about
How could I tell them? What would I say?
after all it was my fault, that's usually the way
No I couldn't tell them I will not speak
or others will know that I am a freak
It was years of silence I had to endure
lest it bring my family shame for sure
I convinced myself I am fine, everything is okay
until memories came roaring back one day
Emotions ran wild, depression was great
yet is was him…him I could not hate
I felt I was in the ocean sinking beneath each wave
what can I do, how will I be saved ?
Each night I lay awake soaked with sweat in my bed
buried memories running like a freight train through my head
Now I knew it was time to work this pain through
but who will I speak to, what shall I do?
I must tell my wife, Oh what will she think?
will this be it, is our marriage at the brink?
Years of anger, pain and confusion I endured
I felt like this many years before
Yet it was not for naught, this mental reeling
in truth it was my body healing
Yes like a shattered mirror I once felt
many splinters and pieces beyond hope for health
Healing is possible now I know it is true
with the help of others you can heal too!
For sure I am not alone, a boy robbed of my youth
it was not my fault and that is the truth
So now I say it is time to shed this shame
and to you " Padre M" I return the blame!
By Mark Crawford
A SHATTERED LIFE
Long ago during adolescent days
all you did was heap on praise
It was the world I thought of you
and my family as well, who knew?
You were a priest, holy indeed
I was just a child very much in need
You explained this is love and it's okay
until you realized I was pulling away
Your obsession with me, it really grew
as you tried to isolate me from everyone I knew
You took me on trips and gave me nice things
all others were jealous of our ring
You often said without me you could not exist
I was so very afraid of this
Your temper, manipulation and absolute control
I felt I was dying, I was loosing my soul
When things were wrong you were very mad
yet in the end I was always "the bad"
Sad, angry and powerless I became
I wasn't even sure if I was still sane
Should life go on, how can I know what is true?
It was the grace of GOD which saw me through
It was time to move on so I moved out
now it was my younger brother you were about
How could I tell them? What would I say?
after all it was my fault, that's usually the way
No I couldn't tell them I will not speak
or others will know that I am a freak
It was years of silence I had to endure
lest it bring my family shame for sure
I convinced myself I am fine, everything is okay
until memories came roaring back one day
Emotions ran wild, depression was great
yet is was him…him I could not hate
I felt I was in the ocean sinking beneath each wave
what can I do, how will I be saved ?
Each night I lay awake soaked with sweat in my bed
buried memories running like a freight train through my head
Now I knew it was time to work this pain through
but who will I speak to, what shall I do?
I must tell my wife, Oh what will she think?
will this be it, is our marriage at the brink?
Years of anger, pain and confusion I endured
I felt like this many years before
Yet it was not for naught, this mental reeling
in truth it was my body healing
Yes like a shattered mirror I once felt
many splinters and pieces beyond hope for health
Healing is possible now I know it is true
with the help of others you can heal too!
For sure I am not alone, a boy robbed of my youth
it was not my fault and that is the truth
So now I say it is time to shed this shame
and to you " Padre M" I return the blame!
By Mark Crawford