a sudden realization *trigger*

[zadok1]

I was reading a post earlier, and it brought me back to childhood again. I remember my fourth grade teacher Mrs. Stevens. I remember being sick and having the runs, and having to ask to go to the bathroom in the middle of class. I remember having to write sentences for it, and how I hated her for making me write them because I was sick and had done nothing wrong.

I remember sitting in the hall, where she assumed I couldnt hear as she met with my parents. Her words still anger me. She told my parents I was struggling, but that they couldnt really expect much better. I have never felt so small and ashamed of myself in my life. Even at nine, I knew she was calling me stupid, and I knew that teachers had access to our IQs back then. Suddenly, I felt stupid.

Up until that day, I had struggled in school, because I never applied myself. I went on to graduate with honors, a member of the national honor society. In college I was consistently on the deans list, and I believe most people consider me somewhat of a highbrow type now. I only realized today just how much my hate for that woman had driven me. I owe her for many things, and still I would spit on her grave as soon as look at her.

It wasnt all good. I became driven to excellence after that, and Lord help me if I couldnt live up to what I expected of my self. I set a standard no human being could meet, and then punished my self with sexual things when I failed, and it was that hate for her driving me, pushing me to prove my self and the world wrong. I WASNT STUPID!!! I WASNT A FAILURE!!!

I suppose the relatively small things my father did were only so effective because I already felt small and dumb. My life is Mrs. Stevens legacy, an ode to a bitch. Yes, the abuse did what it did, but hers was the blow that struck deepest. I was too young when the teen was abusing me to be affected much, but by the time she came along, I knew enough to hate, and I hated her.

The abuse made me love sex, and created the vehicle that I would suffer by, but she created the suffering to begin with. It is amazing, for all the fantastic memories, and aspiring teachers, that one year with a total bitch completely destroyed my life. The abuse didnt make me hate myself, she did that.

 

[Lloydy]

one of my earliest memories is starting school at 5yo and writing with my left hand.
The teacher - Mrs Philips - struck me across the knucles every time she saw me, and others, writing left handed.
Only "stupid and ignorant people wrote with their left hands"

Today, at 50yo, I still can't do joined up writing. I print everything in capitals in a style that can only be described as barely readable.
The keyboard is a wonderful thing.

How much self confidence was destroyed by the Mrs Stevens and Mrs Philips of this world ?

Dave

 

[andrew51]

Zadok and Dave, you guys must be reading my mail or history. I flunked grade 9 ... mostly because I moved to an area that required French proficiency, and I was much less than that, and in those days if you failed one subject you repeated the whole year. The guidance counsellor, Mrs. Krizancic wrote on my report card that I obviously didn't have the academic aptitude to continue in the advanced curriculum which led to university. Two years later I was on the honour roll and managed to make up the year I missed by completing 3 years in two years. I then went on to complete two degrees and a post graduate degree. So fuck opinionated guidance counsellors and hostile primary teachers.
But backtracking. In grade 1 I was basically left handed. I too got wacked for using my left hand. In grade 2 I broke my right thumb and wrist, and yup, you guessed it. I wasn't allowed to write with my left and therefore didn't write until my right hand healed. Unbelievable. Best, Andrew

 

[IrishKipley]

Zodak

your post really hit home for me in a big way. i never really had a teacher like the one you describe, but i can definately identify with how you are feeling. it's good to hear that through all of that that you had to endure, you DO realize that you are not stupid or a failure. in school I always felt that i wasn't doing good enough. i just had so much else going on in my life, that school just seemed so unimportant. now that i am in college, studying to be an educator myself, i realize just how wrong and hateful that teacher was to you. don't people have to be qualified and held accountable for the jobs that they do? this is especially important when dealing with anything that affects our young people and the perceptions that they form about themselves. i just wanted to say thanks for sharing, it was very brave. your words made me sad and furious for that innocent boy who was demeaned and made to feel not good enough. just remember brother....you are you, special, smart and a courageous survivor.

Kip