A strange thing to feel (MAY TRIGGER!)
crisispoint
Registrant
I was browsing a men's lifestyle magazine, "Best Life," in case anyone's heard of it, and in the advice section, a guy asked if it was okay to turn down a friend who asked him to cover for the friend's affair.
This seemed strange to me. I felt certainly that, not only was the affair wrong, but to put a friend in that kind of spot, well, that was beyond-the-pale wrong.
It brought up so many unusual feelings, both when I was abused, and when I was "acting out." Long story short, my rapist when I was a child used his wife and kids as one way to keep me quiet. You know, if I told, I'd be ruining his life. After all, this SOB tried to kill me twice, subjected me to all sorts of humiliation, and it would be MY fault, as a 12-year-old, if his family life and marriage was "ruined?" I'd say that was the height of chutzpah of his part.
Then, when I was acting out with other guys, both married, I carry still a great deal of guilt for what I did, knowingly, to their wives and families. I figured at the time that "what they didn't know, didn't hurt," and hey, they were seeking sex outside of marriage anyway, so it wasn't ALL my fault, right? The fact that the first incident led me to being raped as an adult, didn't make that part easier, although I know in my heart THAT wasn't my fault.
This guy in the advice section, I guess, thought nothing of involving his friend in his affair. It wasn't that long ago that affairs weren't spoken of quite so openly. It boggles my mind, since I DO think it's a big thing, a shameful thing, to do to people who love you. You wouldn't think that of someone who "willingly" went along with such activity, but I do. I KNOW, know firsthand, how serious it is. It's wrong. I even still feel badly for my childhood rapist and my adult rapist's family. As if the abuse and rapes themselves were my fault.
Silly. I've broken though the "wall 'o fault" so many times, and I still feel that the kid stuff is my shame.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm hoping someone has another persepctive. I alo welcome any friend or family to PM me with their perspective.
Peace and love,
Scot
This seemed strange to me. I felt certainly that, not only was the affair wrong, but to put a friend in that kind of spot, well, that was beyond-the-pale wrong.
It brought up so many unusual feelings, both when I was abused, and when I was "acting out." Long story short, my rapist when I was a child used his wife and kids as one way to keep me quiet. You know, if I told, I'd be ruining his life. After all, this SOB tried to kill me twice, subjected me to all sorts of humiliation, and it would be MY fault, as a 12-year-old, if his family life and marriage was "ruined?" I'd say that was the height of chutzpah of his part.
Then, when I was acting out with other guys, both married, I carry still a great deal of guilt for what I did, knowingly, to their wives and families. I figured at the time that "what they didn't know, didn't hurt," and hey, they were seeking sex outside of marriage anyway, so it wasn't ALL my fault, right? The fact that the first incident led me to being raped as an adult, didn't make that part easier, although I know in my heart THAT wasn't my fault.
This guy in the advice section, I guess, thought nothing of involving his friend in his affair. It wasn't that long ago that affairs weren't spoken of quite so openly. It boggles my mind, since I DO think it's a big thing, a shameful thing, to do to people who love you. You wouldn't think that of someone who "willingly" went along with such activity, but I do. I KNOW, know firsthand, how serious it is. It's wrong. I even still feel badly for my childhood rapist and my adult rapist's family. As if the abuse and rapes themselves were my fault.
Silly. I've broken though the "wall 'o fault" so many times, and I still feel that the kid stuff is my shame.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I'm hoping someone has another persepctive. I alo welcome any friend or family to PM me with their perspective.
Peace and love,
Scot