a story i never told anyone till now...TRIGGER WARNING
It was a neighbour of mine, a boy in his adolescent who "did" it to me. I was about 6 yrs old. I am not sure his age but I know he had to be in his puberty for he had sperm oozing out after what he did. He was from the Malay race as well as being a Muslim.
I remember that day well, I was carrying my toy my dad bought for me. It was the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man plush toy, I can still remember that during those days, Ghostbusters were all the rage.
It was at my apartment's void deck that he came up to me and ask if I want to "play" (it sounded so innocuous) with him. Being a child, unknowing of sex and back in those days parents never teach their child about the dangers of sexual predators and also he was a familiar face so I drop my guard and followed him (big mistake I guess)
He took me to the 3rd floor stairwell and made me took off my shirt and pants and I remember I lay down on my stomach, that when he "do" it. It felt weird as I recalled and later he ooze some liquid into my bottom and used the wall to scrape off whatever is left on his dickhead.
Gave me a kiss and I went back home to wash my butt, which was dripping with white liquid.
The second time was at the 12th storey stairwell, same thing happened.
The other time was that boy's younger sister but still older than me by at least 5 yrs and her friends who did it to me.
They ask me to "penetrate" them but this is where my memory cuts off and I dont remember much. I remember drinking chrysanthemum tea later when I went home.
I remember there was one day I lay beside my mom when sleeping and she ask me how was my day? And I told her everything she immediately drag me to confront our neighbours and to inform the police.
But for reasons I cant remember, in the end we went back home and nothing happened and we never spoke about it again and I never told anyone till today.
I am now 21 and have weird sexual fetish and I am somewhat bisexual with an inclination towards younger men. I fear of repeating what the boy did to me to other younger ppl that prompt me to seek help somewhere but yet I cant summon enough courage to talk about this in real life, internet offers me anonoymity which I like, since I can talk about it and no one will know who I am. I have suicidical tendencies that is often linked to my bizarre sexual fetishes.
What prompted me to come here is because of a sexual act I did to myself alone recently that reminded me of what happened 15 yrs ago. I realise I am slipping slowly down a dark path that I dont wish to go but yet helpless against it
Like all normal people I wish to enjoy a normal relationship with a girl, to be married, to have a child of my own. Right now I am hoping to become a doctor specialising in psychiatry, maybe if I know enough about the mind I can treat my emotional wounds. But my studies has always been bad, I cant concentrate for long which I believe is due to what happened so long ago. Maybe if I can find a way to deal with my past I can carve out a new hope for myself.
I have always told my family members I dun recall much of my childhood, it was a lie I just dont want to remember. I felt dirty and sinful but I dont know why. I remember I sort of "enjoyed" the feeling when he did "it" to me. Maybe thats why I dont want to remember, the feeling of disgust and shame mix with the feeling of enjoying it is so utterly imcomprehensible I shut it out completely. Now at 21 yrs of age I have very little memory of my childhood except a few snap shots here and there.
Looking back, maybe that boy was himself raped as a child and thus carrying on the vicious cycle. Do I hate him? A little, but then he may also have been a victim himself. A boy and his sister both so fucked up at such a young age cannot possibly having a normal family
***Post edited by moderator dwf only to add trigger warning.***
I remember that day well, I was carrying my toy my dad bought for me. It was the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man plush toy, I can still remember that during those days, Ghostbusters were all the rage.
It was at my apartment's void deck that he came up to me and ask if I want to "play" (it sounded so innocuous) with him. Being a child, unknowing of sex and back in those days parents never teach their child about the dangers of sexual predators and also he was a familiar face so I drop my guard and followed him (big mistake I guess)
He took me to the 3rd floor stairwell and made me took off my shirt and pants and I remember I lay down on my stomach, that when he "do" it. It felt weird as I recalled and later he ooze some liquid into my bottom and used the wall to scrape off whatever is left on his dickhead.
Gave me a kiss and I went back home to wash my butt, which was dripping with white liquid.
The second time was at the 12th storey stairwell, same thing happened.
The other time was that boy's younger sister but still older than me by at least 5 yrs and her friends who did it to me.
They ask me to "penetrate" them but this is where my memory cuts off and I dont remember much. I remember drinking chrysanthemum tea later when I went home.
I remember there was one day I lay beside my mom when sleeping and she ask me how was my day? And I told her everything she immediately drag me to confront our neighbours and to inform the police.
But for reasons I cant remember, in the end we went back home and nothing happened and we never spoke about it again and I never told anyone till today.
I am now 21 and have weird sexual fetish and I am somewhat bisexual with an inclination towards younger men. I fear of repeating what the boy did to me to other younger ppl that prompt me to seek help somewhere but yet I cant summon enough courage to talk about this in real life, internet offers me anonoymity which I like, since I can talk about it and no one will know who I am. I have suicidical tendencies that is often linked to my bizarre sexual fetishes.
What prompted me to come here is because of a sexual act I did to myself alone recently that reminded me of what happened 15 yrs ago. I realise I am slipping slowly down a dark path that I dont wish to go but yet helpless against it
Like all normal people I wish to enjoy a normal relationship with a girl, to be married, to have a child of my own. Right now I am hoping to become a doctor specialising in psychiatry, maybe if I know enough about the mind I can treat my emotional wounds. But my studies has always been bad, I cant concentrate for long which I believe is due to what happened so long ago. Maybe if I can find a way to deal with my past I can carve out a new hope for myself.
I have always told my family members I dun recall much of my childhood, it was a lie I just dont want to remember. I felt dirty and sinful but I dont know why. I remember I sort of "enjoyed" the feeling when he did "it" to me. Maybe thats why I dont want to remember, the feeling of disgust and shame mix with the feeling of enjoying it is so utterly imcomprehensible I shut it out completely. Now at 21 yrs of age I have very little memory of my childhood except a few snap shots here and there.
Looking back, maybe that boy was himself raped as a child and thus carrying on the vicious cycle. Do I hate him? A little, but then he may also have been a victim himself. A boy and his sister both so fucked up at such a young age cannot possibly having a normal family
***Post edited by moderator dwf only to add trigger warning.***
).