A step Forward.

A step Forward.
D

desvelar

Registrant
I was actually able to go out on a date this one girl that UI liked aked me out and I stumbled yes she took it very slowly and was understanding of my errors and cuddled me the hole time and I just felt nice to trust her I feel soo good right now.I later found out that someone had tola\d and that she had liked me but I seemed unapproachable (to shy or I dont know)but yeah I am happy I have been with alot recently that is why I havent been responding. Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happyness!!.
She said she becarefull with me and unferstand certain things(like If I move on having sex to fast or I dont know).

note: before I was terrified of going out with anyone not butterflies in stomach I mean terrified
Becuave I had liked my rapist (stupid fucking puppy love)(she didnt know). but yeah I mam better for know.

Note to ScottyTod only.(I would have pmed this to you but your inbox was full so then I was like I should telll everyone)
 
TRIGGER WARNING.


I went to the movies with my gf and well it went ok till I was cuddling withher and I started to stick my hand down her pants ashe slaped myy hand and I pulle it out she said no and I said sry alot she said it was ok but not to do it agian that I need to learn to hold back which I do I have alot of sex and move towards it to fast becuase the girl always does to me so I guess I thought I was doin somethin wrong so I treid it and she stopped me so now I dont or I wont mean to.
RHis Topic is going to be kinda like a personal journal so people can se my recovery.
I am a Samurai hacker by job here is a link that explains it.
"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Samurai_%28hacking%29"

Yea so anyways I like my current job its been hard its a real challenge it buts my mind to the hardest test. Cracking code is hard recently I was working on a job call and I was doing my job when I notice someone is cracking into the system and I am like humoh how comvieniant in my deal I am not paid to handle them but I was like sure why not it was a real challenge I mean this guy was a pro I mean the best I had seen in awhile he cracked the buisness security in seconds (which is pritty easy) but I have my own personal firewall and blocks which are well lets just says the government doesnt like em so strong so I am hooked up to the network and this guy try to crack my comp and he almost did so I was crap no way what enemies does this buisness have so theI starting hacking him before he hacked me and his securiy was tough but he had a few holes luckily I cracked them and then I wiped all of his hacking programs and then I blocked his Ip(some good that will do) and fixed my comps holes.
I used some grey hat methods to do this which means I did good but in illegal ways (IE hacking his comp and deleting his Illegal files)
Hat Classifications(not hat classifications comeonces you are really good at hacking)
White Hat all goddy makes firewalls and follows the rules.(Ie Firewall person)
Grey Hat Good guy but does stuff illegaly but has good intentions(IE Me)
Black Hat the guys that write viruses and do pure illegal stuf with no good at all.
Do you think I was justified in my actions against the other hacker the bad one.
Note: It is not as easy as I make it seem(If I do).

( I only added the warning, this post has not been edited. Lloydy )
 
desvelar

you tell us two different things there, the first about you getting you hand slapped away by a girl, the second about your job and the 'hacking' it entails.

To me one thing stands out, "confidence"
With the girl maybe you are lacking the confidence to read the signs she gives off?
In your role as a hacker, you have the confidence to go ahead and do it, but then you ask for other peoples views on what you did, maybe that lack of confidence once again?

Survivors do struggle with a lack of self confidence, but as discover that we are not alone, it was not our fault and we are 'normal' people behind the abuse, we begin to regain our confidence. It won't happen overnight, but I'm sure it will.

Dave
 
With the girl I thought I was doing something wrong becuase most of the girls that would take me to movie would normally have done something naughty by then so I thought I would try and I learned not to. Most of the girls I went to the movies with or other things would want to have sex with me within that day or next.Your right I never looked aat it that way I guess I was to scared or somethin to understand her. And for the hacking stuff I guess I do it to feel better I dont know why I hack I just do. THe reason I asked people is becase I want to know if they think my actions are ok. I do lack confidence beucause I relze that I say sry way to much and feal bad when I do something wrong but recently I have been regaining some confidence.
 
Desvelar,

I think Dave is onto something that you might want to focus on. Ultimately I am coming back to a point I raised with you earlier on another thread - the fact that recovery often comes a lot slower than we want or hope.

First, there is nothing wrong with you as 16-year-old Desvelar! What is wrong is what happened to you. It doesn't matter that it was a girl babysitter who abused you and not, for example, a man. Abuse is abuse and yes, you were deeply hurt. In your first post you already call it rape and good for you - that is what it was: it was not your initiation into manhood. It is entirely normal and right that you should feel confused, uncomfortable and angry about it.

I see three things going on here. First, you keep mentioning that you are 16. I believe you :) ! But I also think you are doing something that other teenagers here do. You are telling us that you feel like you are being dragged into adulthood too fast and not being allowed to just be a teenager. I hear you and so do others. One of the other teenagers here has as his signature the phrase "It's my turn to be a kid!" He's right. And so are you - claim your right to talk and act as exactly who you are.

Second, it seems to me that what happened to you is something you see as a threat to the meaning of your sexual life as a boy. That reaction too is absolutely normal: at 16 how else are you to see it? But you are using sexual opportunities to try to find your answers, so my question is this: Is that getting you your answers? Probably not. Why do I think that? Because you are telling us about these things here to see what other survivors think. Personally, I am glad you are doing that. It is a tough subject and I think it will help you to be open on this one. But I can tell from your posts that you can already see this isn't getting you anywhere. Anyone can sleep around, and having sex with a lot of girls now doesn't change the fact that one girl three years ago took advantage of her power over you and hurt you sexually. No person or explanation will ever make that "okay" somehow, but eventually you will find a way to cope with that reality in a positive way that allows you to move on. A true sign of working towards recovery would be an ability to maintain a caring relationship, with a sexual dimension if both of you want that and are willing and able to accept the responsibilities that go with it. This means being open and honest about feelings and fears, and that in turn requires confidence and self-esteem. As Dave says, as survivors we often lack that. It usually takes time to regain these abilities.

Third, you are talking a lot about your work as a hacker. I am a computer idiot so I know nothing about this other than what I have seen in the movies :) . But it looks to me like you are again looking for answers. Perhaps you want the answer to the "Big One": Why me? There's isn't any answer to that one, Desvelar. Like all of us, you were a target of opportunity. You did nothing wrong to attract abuse. Please don't think I am patronizing you - that is absolutely not my intention. But as an adult I can tell you this one still hurts a lot, and as a teenager it absolutely tore me to bits and made me even more ashamed and frightened and angry. When a kid doesn't get these answers it is natural to lash out and express the anger at society in general. A teenager is basically saying, "You didn't protect me or help me but it doesn't matter - I don't need you or even want you and to prove that I am going to do x or y or z and there is nothing you can do about it." Drinking and drugs, and ultimately denial, were my answers as a teen and on into my university years. Other kids run away or hurt themselves by cutting. Your way, I think, is hacking. But again, is that getting you anywhere? I wonder because you keep mentioning the subject here on the DB. And I think you should. There is no such thing as a stupid question or issue here - if it's yours then it belongs here. And it is okay to be scared and confused. We all were at your age, and in a lot of ways we still are. But perhaps that is another subject.

I hope you keep posting and raising you questions and issues. There is no "right way" to do this. There is just your way, the way that works for you to move forward. Just know that you are accepted and supported here. Others may raise ideas and possibilities for you to think about, but that will be without judging you and aimed only at helping in any way we can.


Larry
 
Thank you for responding I say my age becuase I dont want soem adult answer that I dont understand I emeen I even read some of these response form adults for adults and I am lost.
I recently stopped the sex its frickken hard to stop having sex the way I did but I am working on it and it is going well thanks to my gf.
I have gotten alot of help from all you on the board and I say thanks it has helped me alot.
Umm yeah I guess I see what you mean but umm not to be rude but you didnt answer my question.
 
Hmmm, there is a lot in just a few posts here!

First of all, I have read your other posts, including the one you said about recovery, and feeling you are there. I did not respond to that one, because I did not want to 'burst your bubble', so to speak. But I have been healing from my issues for about 2 years now, and I sense (still) that recovery is 'just around the corner'! :) Yes, people do recover at different rates. There are a lot of variable factors. The nature of abuse, the age you were abused, the circumstances (violence? 'seduction'? etc), the length of time the abuses went on, I could go on. So it is possible you are very close to recovery, maybe even closer then me. I just do not want you to see 'being able to ignore it now' as being recovered. Because that was my initial 'recovery' from this, and it only lasted a few years.

I wonder, you mention the sex issues, that you have 'given it up' some now, and that it seems you have had sexual relationships with the girls you have dated. I know that you are young, and that the hormones are a bit different then me in my 20s (maybe), but are the relationships sexual because you physically want it, emotionally want it, or feel it is expected of you? Just a thought to me.

I am glad that you can respect your girlfriend's boundaries. And I hope that she, and anyone else, will also respect your own.

I know nothing of computers other then it turns on when I hit one button, and connects me to internet when I hit another. Perhaps I am a 'goody goody' person, I don't know. But it disturbs me a bit to hear you speaking of 'hacking', specialy when you admit that some of the methods you use are not legal. Perhaps that is something that, as I read it, invades MY boundaries and privacy, or you have the ability to, and I feel threatened. I'm not sure, and my feelings on the issue are probably much more about me and my reactions then you and your actions.

I am not sure quite what the question is? I guess if it is about the hacking, the way you present it, it would seem the intents of the other person were much more negative then your own in preventing him. But again, I do not understand those things and they make me nervous.

Leosha
 
Well the girls that I would have sex with we werent really going out I would go to there house for soem reason or another they would take me where we where going to have it and that would be it.
Also never fear a good hacker is hear yea I only use my skill to help people(and maybe make some money at the same time)here is what I am
"https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grey_hat"
I am a lighter color of grey though.
ANd yeah my gf makes me happy Yeah!!!
 
Hi Desvelar,

You arent being rude at all. Thanks for reminding me that I missed your point.

I would have to agree with Leosha, in that I am not sure what your question is. But what you are asking reminds me of an episode between me and my son when he was your age. Once he was angry and told me "Dad you dont give a fuck for me!! I let my stash right on my desk and I know youve been in my room and you didnt even say anything about it!" My answer was that I go into his room to gather up laundry, not to look for his grass, but in any case I dont need to see his stash to know when he comes home wrecked. That stunned him, and in reality he was a bit uncomfortable about the degree of "space" he was getting. His question was actually about boundaries. Are you asking that kind of question? Assuming that you are, here are my replies.

Your sexual life: My honest answer is that my approval or anyone else's isn't the issue. My feeling is these sorts of adventures are pretty normal for a teenager; there is nothing wrong with you as a boy or as Desvelar, okay? That said, I doubt that these episodes are very helpful for your confidence and self-esteem, or for that matter, for that of your partners. Why? There is nothing to them other than "doing it". They just show that if a girl says lets fuck, you can say sure lets go :) . I know that for a teenage boy there are a lot of raging hormones and a great importance attaches to proof of sexual ability, so okay. But if you want my opinion I would say that what you should be looking for is not someone to sleep with, but someone to share with, hope with, and be honest with. You seem to have a start with that with your girlfriend, and you yourself are onto that when you talk about how she makes you happy. How long has an easy lay ever made you happy? 10 minutes? :)

Hacking: Again, I understand what you are doing. None of us here can say that we are innocent of the same sort of rebellious activity in some way or another. But if you want my honest opinion I will say that this is not good for you either, quite apart from the fact that if you are caught you could get into big trouble. In any community the proper working of the group depends on the willingness of its members to follow the rules. Not because we understand and accept the rules in every detail, and not because we are all robots willing to be herded around, but because the alternative is chaos. It is entirely understandable that as a teen you should react against that: we have all been there. In fact, the transition from a totally dependent child to a well-adjusted independent adult runs through the very rough teenage territory of rebelling, making mistakes, trying out new ideas, and so on. But in fact what will help you is finding a way that actually helps you to face the issues you have. I used to drink myself cross-eyed and get so off my head on grass and acid that I couldn't tell whether or not a show on the TV was really in color. Okay it was great birth control I was too wrecked to get my jeans undone. But why was I putting myself in such danger? Because I was hiding from my real problems. The next morning was I any better off? No. If you make your own rules and hack around, does that in any way help you, except in gaining an ephemeral sense of power? No.

There is also the issue that Leosha raises. There is no way you will know whether or not you are doing harm when you break into someone's system. Further, that is not your right. I could put Leosha's concern this way: How would you feel if you came home and there I am in your bedroom looking through your things? Would you find it an acceptable answer if I told you that I never steal, I just get into houses and flats to look around and tidy up a bit? :)

Anyway, I just answer because you ask. I hope you continue as best you can to deal with things. It is okay to raise questions. It's great when you get it right, but it is okay to get it wrong sometimes. You do have to find your own way, but yes, if you are wondering about boundaries it does matter how you affect others. I am not judging you, but simply saying that "No man (or boy) is an island".

Take care and stay in touch,
Larry
 
Hi desvelar, just thought I would say hi. About you and your girlfriend, it seems like you and her are doing fine. Yes you may go to fast at times, but it seems like you are willing to stop if she says so, which is most important. It seems like this girl wants to have a relationship with you. Not sure if that is just a friends relationship, or a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Ether way it looks like you are learning to relate with her.

About your job, I know it is important to you, but you should talk about it in the off topic forum, unless it is being effected by what happened to you. I don't mean that as a put down, as I am real interested in learning more about it. I used to do Electronics and computer repair in the navy on subs. Its never to late to teach a old dog new tricks, right?

One last thing, this old dog is having a hard time reading your messages. I know that I have a spelling problem, and it seems to me that you may have one too. What I do is use a spelling checker. Currently this is the one I use, https://www.iespell.com/index.htm I have also learned today that the Google toolbar has a spelling checker. https://www.google.com/downloads/

Also at the bottom is a link to the new Google earth, A cool program if you have broadband.
 
@roadrunner
Hacking
A. Yes it gives me a sense of accomplishment and power when I ctop someone good.
B I know exacly what I was deleting (none of the programs essential to runnning).
C. The guy was trying to break into then companys system then mine and I stopped and well gave my own form of punishment.
@lostcowboy
Here is a site that teaches you how to do basic legitment hacking.
'https://www.hackthissite.org/'

Also I beta test it before public beta test the google stuff I always do beta there stuff.

About IE I hate IE I never use it I think that microsoft windows is the worst operating system there is way to many security holes.
 
Hi Desvelar,

Hacking is a way of empowering yourself then. I think most people would argue that their systems belong to themselves and not to you, so it is a rather big violation of boundaries. For myself, I would just say I am a bit concerned about what will happen if you are caught or if you accidentally cause some harm.

To give you an idea of how clueless I am about computers, I considered it a great victory when I figured out that by IE you must mean Internet Explorer!!! :)

Larry
 
Confidence.

I never had any confidence as i was constantly critized by my father so much so that it still is a problem today for example I am a chef by trade and was working as a recent addition to a local team when the head chef and his second were both ill together at the same time so myself and a traineee were told we would just have to cope. It went well, out of the sixty meals we put out that night all were recieved well and some where complimented, but one came back and that feaked me out for days on end and my confidence nosed dived so badly I hit the bottle that would in turn lose me that job.

Remembering (and accepting) the compliments didnt even register.

I'm not too bad now as I know (and accept) that I'm capable in a couple of things to a very high standard and one of them is not cooking as I never returned to being a chef. Much to my wifes dissappointment.

Theres that word again Dave ... accept.


Kirk
 
@roadrunner now a days I only do legitimant hacking like with there approval like If I get hired. Also another one is I will make sure programs dont have security holes so that they cant be cracked. I never ruined any good persons computer I only destroy child porn sites and other various sites servers. That is why I am a grey hat and Samurai hacker.
@Kirk Wayne yea I do have some confidence issue but I recently havebeen getting over them.
 
That's good then Desvelar. I'm glad to hear you are making progress, and I can't say I am sad to see you taking down child porn sites!

Take care,
Larry
 
I a making lots of progress I know it will take awhile and that is ok. I might post other questions on this thread later.
 
Desvelar - As I read through your thread, there seems to be a re-occurring theme. Basically being unsure of where your boundaries and limits are[putting your hand in others space - stepping over her boundary] and [ having sex with everyone you can verses having sex with someone you want to have sex with...being able to say I can have sex with her but I won't...setting up your boundaries; it seperates us from the animals..we have choices]. Without setting limits we may use sex like a drug; during sex your brain sets chemicals free that make you feel good - like drugs and alcohol do; like the high after exercising - that good feeling can be addictive and we want that good feeling, that high...and it's "fricking hard to stop" wanting that good feeling!]. Boundaries are about being able to say no...make a choice that YOU want not your hormones want! That is really tough, guy!! But when you can say no and set limits, you begin to gain control of your life. You begin to make choices about sexual partners unlike when your perp took control and took away your boundaries and did what HE wanted and stepped over your limit/boundaries!! You are now able to steer your life where you WANT to go set up by your limits; not doing whatever we want to others (for which she slapped your hand)...we can drive our car and get somewhere because we keep the car on the road (by setting limits and deciding to keep the car between the lines). It sounds like you are learning limits... and your girl friend is helping you to "keep yourself" on the road (hands between the lines, out of her space). I hope this is making sense, guy? Keep steering your car (life) and following the limits/boundaries you set up for yourself and you'll keep going forward with your healing and gaining control over your life!! Taking charge of your life!! I hope this makes sense?

Howard
 
Hiya Desvelar,

Looks like u were using sex like i was using drugs - to make up for stuff. Its cool u have a real gf now. Theres a girl i like & i guess shes my gf now. We dont have sex yet cos i cant handle it but just being with her & wanting everything to be okay sorta teaches me a lot. It seems like that anyway.

Kev
 
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