A Speck of Self Esteem and Self Love, Needs to Grow.
This year, I've moved further toward accepting myself as non-binary, and how I am and what I behave like or appear. This is no small feat, I've endured decades of self loathing, the kind many of us experience. I think there are few here who've lived unscathed by bullying. Gay, trans men, non-binary persons who present male, and others have bore the brunt of bigots, hate, marginalization, and physical bullying and violence. I’m among such men, but, haven’t developed close connections outside of how open I am here on MS. I was targeted because of how I looked, my mannerisms being too femme for what's always seemed like a majority of people. I wasn't aware of how I presented myself as being femme, and honestly, I know it wasn't very femme at all, it's that I looked a certain way, and talked with just enough difference, and behaved just enough different, that it marginalized me, or ostracized me. I barely got out of my shell in my early 20s, but some of it kept recurring, and because I was molested and raped for being me, along with prior confusion and a total loss of self esteem, I completely loathed myself by 30.
Enduring child, teen and young adult confusion is what I've tried to weigh and sort this year. Included with this has been old shame and my newer perspective about acceptance of my vulnerability. I've come to terms with why the bullying and some violence against me occurred. There is a long unwelcome hyper vigilance that turned my mind toward dissociation, isolation, and fear. Those can inflict a body memory of tension which has affected my health. I'm sensing I'm too far along poor health to fully recover, but, I've some time, and willingness to keep working on myself. This now leads me to ask questions.
In my struggles toward accepting myself, and re-framing my past which is motivated by my new-found self-care and a bare minimum of new self love, I want to build on that speck of self love. Have others found motivational nuances in their lives, ones that must be done without the support of a partner, perhaps rarely with a friend, maybe a sibling, or other not lived-with person? I’m not going to be receptive to prayer, nor Jesus beyond what I’ve already believed, this is between my need to maintain, and a need to affirm it. In other words, Jesus isn’t going to carry me, this is about me this time, and I can pay it forward so to speak, and do the loving and caring which is already a part of me. This time, I need that love and caring to be directed at me, by me, for me?
I live with a partner where I grieve loss near daily, this living arrangement isn’t for most, or anyone, but I’m enduring it for my reasons, and must do for now. I need to build my self-esteem, and this speck of self love. It will go a long way toward achieving my future hopes. I’m less vulnerable to her when I’ve hopes, and these are not always easy to ponder when I’m living as I do. I’m not posting to talk about her or that, I’m focusing on me, and affirming my speck of self love, and self-esteem. This is work, and won’t be easy for me, which is why I wonder what others have done? Something akin or sort of like what I’m describing? I’m OK with lists, but that isn’t something easy to put up, I have to think these things. I live estranged in this house, and what I can do, is limited to thinking, writing and doing work. I hope some may have time to reflect on what they’ve considered about their self-esteem, and small increase of self-love, and how it’s rebuilt.
I need the ideas to be done without depending on others physical presence, it’s sad and lonely to me, but if it must be, I’ll do what I can. Bless you for any consideration.
Enduring child, teen and young adult confusion is what I've tried to weigh and sort this year. Included with this has been old shame and my newer perspective about acceptance of my vulnerability. I've come to terms with why the bullying and some violence against me occurred. There is a long unwelcome hyper vigilance that turned my mind toward dissociation, isolation, and fear. Those can inflict a body memory of tension which has affected my health. I'm sensing I'm too far along poor health to fully recover, but, I've some time, and willingness to keep working on myself. This now leads me to ask questions.
In my struggles toward accepting myself, and re-framing my past which is motivated by my new-found self-care and a bare minimum of new self love, I want to build on that speck of self love. Have others found motivational nuances in their lives, ones that must be done without the support of a partner, perhaps rarely with a friend, maybe a sibling, or other not lived-with person? I’m not going to be receptive to prayer, nor Jesus beyond what I’ve already believed, this is between my need to maintain, and a need to affirm it. In other words, Jesus isn’t going to carry me, this is about me this time, and I can pay it forward so to speak, and do the loving and caring which is already a part of me. This time, I need that love and caring to be directed at me, by me, for me?
I live with a partner where I grieve loss near daily, this living arrangement isn’t for most, or anyone, but I’m enduring it for my reasons, and must do for now. I need to build my self-esteem, and this speck of self love. It will go a long way toward achieving my future hopes. I’m less vulnerable to her when I’ve hopes, and these are not always easy to ponder when I’m living as I do. I’m not posting to talk about her or that, I’m focusing on me, and affirming my speck of self love, and self-esteem. This is work, and won’t be easy for me, which is why I wonder what others have done? Something akin or sort of like what I’m describing? I’m OK with lists, but that isn’t something easy to put up, I have to think these things. I live estranged in this house, and what I can do, is limited to thinking, writing and doing work. I hope some may have time to reflect on what they’ve considered about their self-esteem, and small increase of self-love, and how it’s rebuilt.
I need the ideas to be done without depending on others physical presence, it’s sad and lonely to me, but if it must be, I’ll do what I can. Bless you for any consideration.