A song lyric I heard and some recent progress

[parttimecop]

I was downloading a Fabulous Thunderbirds song that I had never heard before "You Can't judge a book by its cover". And while listening I noticed a lyric that may apply to many of us and our search for a healthy sexuality or even just a healthy mental state. It is "You can't judge right by looking at the wrong".

I know for so many years I did do this. Looking at what wrong had happened and thinking that it was right or at least looking at it through that prism of sin and self loathing.

On a related note I recently figured out how related my problems with both women and faith were. I became aware of how I do not see myself as worthy of love. I can't(or maybe now it is couldn't, it is still a struggle) see that anybody could give their life for me, that I was worth that price. That God thought that highly of me. That I was worth any price, any pain.(I may have the makings of a new poem here)I certainly couldn't see any woman loving me. Even as much as I wanted it, I could not see it happening. At least not on a deep down level that matters.

So I slipped into sexual fantasies with pornography being a safe way to avoid being hurt. Pornography does not endanger my heart. But it does not feel that deep human need for intimacy. Not sex, intimacy a closeness I think most all of us need. We need to be able to be open, but our scars make it very hard to do.

I am working very hard right now to get the junk out of who I am because I have met a new girl and want to have a good relationship for once in my life.

 

[fusionoflove]

Intimacy, I couldn't agree more. I too, shut myself off from women, especially my last girlfriend. Of course, that made her break up with me and it resulted in me cutting myself off from women in general. I felt that I was damaged goods and that no women would ever love me. Violence, sex and intimacy are all different things and are seperate from one another. I've had sex with other women since her, but they were all one-night stands and they made me feel even worse. It reinforced the negative image I had of myself, that I was just a piece of meat meant to be chewed up and spit out by everyone.

Thanks for the post. Intimacy, love and compassion is where it's at. I've actually made a vow to myself not to have any more one-night stands. It's a personal choice. I just want to love myself the next morning and I want the woman I'm with to wake up next to me.

Thanks again, you're post made me break down and cry, because I'd been thinking the same thing all week.

 

[parttimecop]

Originally posted by fusionoflove:

Thanks again, you're post made me break down and cry, because I'd been thinking the same thing all week.

I had a tear or two in my eye when I posted it. More so when I wrote the poem.

 

[Archnut]

Intimacy

It scares the living daylights out of me and I have been married for thirteen years.

After intimacy I feel dirty, worthless and anger all at once.

So far it hasnt got any easier for me I hasten to add.

Regards
Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

 

[Leosha]

I have been only once in a 'real' relationship, and that is right now. I do not feel worthy of her, I question her and God as to why I am here and with her. But it seems no matter what mistakes I have done, no matter the self harm things I done, she has stayed with me, and I can only think maybe there is something good of me. And the more that she and other friends stay with me, the more I think maybe it is true that I am all right, I maybe am a good person somehow.

The 'can't judge a book by it's cover' is a very true thing. I think many survivors are good at faking things. Someone to see me from outside, who does not know me, may think I have had very good life always. I know my life is good, and I am thankful for it. But it has not been good always, or I would not need here, yes?

I wish you luck in doing what you feel you need to do, and feel better of youself. Good luck in your pursuit of relationship also.

Leosha