A slice of my story

SeekingTruth

New Registrant
Hello. I'm posting this story for the first time just to get it out in the open.

I sometimes unexpectedly express emotional responses to stimuli that consistent with a young boy sexually abused by his mother (fear, guilt, shame). For example, today I was thinking about something unrelated to sexual abuse when I realized I was unconsciously afraid that the boom was going to fall, that my mom would soon rage at me if I didn't have sex with her. Wow--I didn't see that coming.

I have mapped out some general periods in my life when I believe instances of abuse occurred. I have been cross-referencing memories of those instances with sibs recalling mother coming out of my bedroom at a certain time of night after a mutually recalled event, like a James Bond movie playing on a Saturday night on NBC, a Love Boat episode, or whatever.

Additionally, there were some specific events and behaviors that prove my mother was sexually possessive of me. Once she exposed herself to me after she and my father had sex, saying something like, "Son, come here--this is what a naked woman looks like," and me reacting with disgust--"Mom, that's gross. Go put some clothes on."

Her sexual possessiveness became especially clear when I starting having more sexually expressive girlfriends. Here's one example. A neighbor girl was my girlfriend. She slipped out of her house at 3 am or so, came over to my house, and tapped on my bedroom window, trying to wake me up so we could make out or whatever. But she only succeeded at waking my mother up. I remember waking up because I heard my mom and my girlfriend laughing outside. My mom would insert herself into to my interactions with my girlfriend whenever she came over to the house. I felt that something weird was going on, but I couldn't put a finger on it until I was an adult. My interpretation was that my mother was trying to "share" me with my girlfriend.

Here's another example. I had a girlfriend in junior high school who had the biggest boobs in the 8th grade. We were both around 13 years old and were totally hot for each other. We would make out in the little niches in hallways between classes, sometimes cutting classes, and we would grope each other, French kiss, etc. She had a reputation as a wild party girl, so my friends and classmates were surprised that she ended up with me rather than a jock or a rocker, but kind of an intelligent, expressive "independent." Later I deduced she was being sexually abused as well and we locked onto each other because we recognized our "victim vibes."

Anyway, we wanted more time and space to make out, so we decided to meet at the local swimming pool and make out in the water--one step closer to skin-to-skin contact. I asked my mother if she would drop me off at the pool and pick me up later. She said she would. The pool was fairly large and it had stadium seating around it. In the pool, my girlfriend and I spent hours doing what young men and women do when they are driven by hormones.

After a few hours we finally tired out of grabbing boobs and touching penises, so we got out of the pool and made our way to our respective locker rooms. I happened to look up when--whap! I saw my mother glaring down at me from the stadium seating. She had an unbearably unpleasant look on her face. I didn't know what the look meant at the time, but I pinned it down later as extreme jealousy. She had been sitting there the entire time, watching us as if she was a spurned lover, raging quietly as she watched her sexual partner cheat on her. The way home, her jaw was clenched and she was shaking. I was really embarrassed and felt like I had been caught doing something terribly wrong. She didn't say a word to me the entire way home and wouldn't speak to me for days. Then she called up my girlfriend's parents and said some things along the lines of "my son and your daughter are doing sexual things together and I want to put a stop to it." Her parents had me over to the house, told me they weren't very happy about what we had been doing, but also making sure that I knew I wasn't some deviant.

I think this is all bulletproof evidence that my mother was at least sexually possessive of me--perpetrating incest on me over that period of years must have cemented in her mind that she shouldn't have to share me with anyone.

Of course after that incident I was wary of my mother finding out about girlfriends, but I found plenty of them and managed to compartmentalize them from my home life, making up lies about where I had been and what I had been doing to protect myself from more jealous rages.

I don't have direct access to the memories of the actual sexual abuse. Some things are starting to pop up, however. For example, I remember now that my mother used to get in bed with me and tell me stories about how great I was and how bad my dad was.

Undoubtedly, my unconscious mind remembers everything about the abuse but is keeping the memories under lock and key, but it doles out scraps of memories to indicate I am on track with my search for truth. I believe my unconscious mind is doing this so that I don't crash and burn due to me not being strong or stable enough to hold onto and process these memories without having a psychotic break.

I know one person from a 12-step group whose unconscious mind decided to do a core dump of memories all at once. He was an executive at a large technical corporation at the time, and the release of memories overwhelmed him emotionally. His PTSD was so bad he had to go on Social Security disability and live like a pauper indefinitely. I definitely don't want to go down that road.

Once, in a dream, I almost had access to the memories. In my dream, the memories were visible as symbols in the distance. But then I remember a force yanking the symbols away aggressively and hearing a strong voice saying "No!!!"

I'm still waiting for my mind to crack loose some more memories, but I think I'm on the right track.
 
Hello Seeking Truth,

I believe what you written here stands as a very powerful introduction statement. I am pressed for time as I write you today, but I had to write you and thank you for sharing your story and joining us here at MS. I think you will find you have found a new second home here. I wanted to suggest that you post a little introduction in the introduction forum so that people know you're "here". You could like to this, or copy it again to that post. Many of us put our story in the introduction forum and in the Survivor forum. It's not as though they're only meant to be what in your case would be the female abuse forum.

Welcome and all the best,

sono
 

James Landrith

Registrant
Welcome to MS SeekingTruth.

I think a key to sorting out the details is journaling if you are comfortable doing it. Sometimes I specifically deal with a stuck point. Other times I just start writing and let whatever was on my mind that day flow out onto the screen. I have been able to understand my feelings so much better by writing them out. In addition, it helped me organize key facts and fill in missing pieces better. It is validating and healing but can also be triggering.

Are you seeing a therapist at present? Do you have a support network in place to help you as you heal?
 
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