a series of flashbacks and nightmares

[seachange]

I have had a series of flashbacks and nightmares over the past week. And now I'm back in a familiar frozen state. Fear and dread and rageful humiliated vulnerability. Everyone is bad, the world is a bad place, and I'm bad.

I feel that writing that will make people run away.

I've been here before, terrible dreams, literally trembling in fear in the morning. I don't know how I did it. It's ptsd. I'll jump at the slightest touch or noise, then feel guilty and ashamed then enraged. I've noticed my sense of time is off, I think I'm dissociating, hard to know, that worries me.

I'm afraid of everyone to a greater or lesser degree. But I don't show it. Instead, I've become even more outwardly calm and "professional, strong, stable and reliable." People are drawn to that, and I start to despise them, I feel fake and distanced from everyone, and resentful. Inside I feel unsafe and all I can think is to get away from everyone and everything.

I'm unable to shake this off, even tho I know it's useless to expect that because that never worked before. I despise that helpless feeling. It makes me angry not to be able to control it. Always the control. What's the alternative? I'm losing touch. I can't find my positive values inside, like kindness or care, it's all just words.

This also makes me realize how different my daily life has become over the past half year. Like I've been in a happy dream that's been erased. I suppose I thought I'd never return to this bad place. Now it seems I have always ended back here.

This started in a work situation last month in which I felt vaguely "trapped" (always a trigger for me) plus some anniversary reactions: I was fired last year at this time and it was partly because I had a huge flashback at work and it was used against me. Last year at this time was really the lowest I've ever been, but it was part of a longer arc of healing, or seemed.

I feel ashamed to admit it, but I think I'm a recovery failure, though I know that's not true. I just can't get to that other place where I was feeling good and I was healing. I know I'm really hard on myself. I know I have to wait it out, do all the things to help myself, and then just bide my time. But that doesn't change anything now. I feel guilty writing all this because I think it's "negative" and I want to stay positively focused and not bring people down.

Has anyone ever felt this? Just asking that makes me sense a massive mistake in writing this. And under that is fury. Under that must be hurt and loss and grief. seachange

 

[jkmtx]

I feel the same way a lot of the time I've not been able to write about it or say anything, I just try to make sure people around me cant tell and that doesn't help any. It's hard for me to share but your not alone I hope your doing well take care

 

[JayBro]

Hey seachange,

I am right there with you.

Much of what you wrote, like the acting on the job to stay professional and the sense of being a recovery failure really speak to me. These past few months have been a trigger/recovery nightmare for me and the last two weeks in particular have been extremely difficult. I don't have any dreams but what I experience is a sense of danger, guilt, that I am just as bad as my perps, and that things are happening all over again/that I am being abused again. If some of my crutches/triggers were drugs, you could say I have been relapsing.

How long have you been on your recovery journey? What kinds of help and resources have you thus far tried and what has worked the most in the past?

The anger and frustration with the pace of recovery that you described also rings true to me. It is the most difficult thing, but it honestly really true when they tell us to be patient and compassionate with ourselves.

 

[i-m-Bri]

Seachange,

I have felt those things. You are right, stay on the course. I can tell you that I did. It has been a really long time since they dominated me as they once did.

Please don't ever worry about being negative here. It's more important to say what you need to. I won't read some things if I am particularly vulnerable, and I think many approach posts that way. What is important is that you don't hold back, not here.

 

[Esterio]

((((((Seachange)))))))

Yes I have felt like that not as much now still there to haunt me. I had such a bad time in my sleep I barley slept 2016 the worst. I am moving forward with a lot of help from my Doctor and mental health team this year. So it can get better.

take care
Esterio

 

[seachange]

Thanks guys, I’m so grateful for your words of kindness and care, they have stuck with me all week. I feel your comradeship and a strong sense of belonging and understanding. My apologies for not responding sooner. I’m still triggered but less hopeless less shame. Being kept really busy by work & seasonal social obligations has helped distract me and avoid isolation, though I keep so much hidden and unspoken, I feel like two people. Just taking a few here to have my inner reality affirmed. Your support and MS means so much to me. seachange

 

[Esterio]

Hi seachange

You don't need to worry about how long it takes you to respond we know you are having a hard time. I am glad that you were able to respond. No pressure communicate when you are able. We are here for you if you need us. Please know you are not alone in this. I am glad to hear your symptoms are getting less.

I have a lot of me that is still hidden deep, I am hoping that comes into the light soon. I know it is important for me to deal with it. It is just to hard to go there.

Take care
Esterio