A sentence that just about killed me...

A sentence that just about killed me...
B

blueyes25

Registrant
"Remembering that you love me will be very counter-productive...when you go, it won't be at the forefront of my mind." He said....as if he will just compartimentalize it with everything else he doesn't want to feel.

I thought I was going to throw up - it's as if everything I have given him day after day, all the love, all the memories...all of my heart - was just discarded and didn't mean very much. I felt disposable...sad, left behind, empty...

someone please help me make sense of this....it hurts...
 
P.S. He says that he needs to be in therapy to figure out why he thinks this way - he says he can't give me an answer as to why he says things like this - says this is the reason he doesn't like to talk about it. :(
 
He does not love himself right now and believes he cannot love another. I felt that too a lot but I so much wanted to be loved. Self destructive behavior happens all to often it is part of the cycle of abuse and he continues to hurt himself by pushing you away. Sometimes as even in my case it takes the love of another to show that we are worthy of love and deserve it even if you have to pull him back. My wife was strong and and showed me her love even when I was blind and did not feel worthy. I am thankful for that.
 
Blue,

This is what partners mean when they talk about the importance of identifying your boundaries. I have to say that even in the depths of my confusion and self-loathing I would never have said such a thing to my wife.

I think time2heal is probably right when he comments:

He does not love himself right now and believes he cannot love another.
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But the flip-side of this is that he is also disrespecting you big-time. How much of that are you prepared to take? How much love, patience and hope can he expect from you before he understands that his actions and words have consequences? When do YOUR needs and feelings come into consideration?

I am not advocating a response one way or the other here. It's just a very sobering thing for me, as a survivor, to see once again how the things done to us in our youth can years later reach out to hurt others who are so important in our lives.

Much love,
Larry
 
I cried last night - I mean really cried - I cried harder than I ever have and the tears just wouldn't stop. I am going away for 9 months - I may be able to come home once a month. I am struggling b/c I feel like I am losing my little family. My dog and him. They were the bit of "stability" I thought I had. He was not stable at all. I feel duped. I have had my dog since she was 8 weeks old - she is such a good girl and I think I have to give her up. :( I don't have the best support in my real family and last night, I just felt like I was crying for the loss - for being pushed away, for losing my home, my dog, my life as I knew it. :(

I know things will get better - he looked vacant last night...I know when he is having his moments b/c his demeanor is just diferent...it's a vacant look in his eyes - a sadness. It is a very odd thing to watch.

I wanted to throw-up last night - nothing he says makes sense to me - it is all jumbled up and inconsistent and his views are speckled with unkindness towards himself - and last night, at me!

Last night, I thought to myself: Why me? How much can I take? What did I do to deserve this? I didn't have any answers.

My only choice is to move on.

P.S. He told me later that he knew I loved him, but that he meant it was counter-productive b/c it will give hime something to "hide-behind" - whatever that means. He said nothing inside of him makes sense and that I would never understand - he also had some thoughts pass right in front of me. I could see them and it was odd, but when I would ask what was going on - he would say, "I can't talk about it with you - I am sorry."
 
Blue'
I agree with time2heal, his self esteem is rock bottom and he just can't see 'love' anywhere at all, least of any hope of returning your love.

From what you say about him though I think it's perfectly possible that his self esteem can be built up again, you say he's a good and clever man who works hard. That takes self esteem, so he does have some, it's just not there when it comes to emotional things.

But you have to judge for yourself if he's worth fighting for.

Dave
 
Blue,

He told me later that he knew I loved him, but that he meant it was counter-productive b/c it will give hime something to "hide-behind" - whatever that means.
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By that I think he means your love gives him reason to believe he is lovable, which he "knows" he isn't, so seeing and receiving your love is just a respite from the terrible truth.

He said nothing inside of him makes sense and that I would never understand - he also had some thoughts pass right in front of me. I could see them and it was odd, but when I would ask what was going on - he would say, "I can't talk about it with you - I am sorry."
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This sounds like a survivor being hit by the full force of the hurricane of emotions arising from abuse, all of them negative and full of self-loathing.

Right now I'm afraid the ball is in your court. I was asking before what your needs and priorities are. In light of those, what sort of time and energy are you prepared to give to this relationship, knowing that the fight will be uphill for quite a time?

It will be a tough decision either way, and whatever you decide I hope you will stay with us and continue to participate on the site.

Much love,
Larry
 
Well, I would like to stay a part of this site - except that I kind of feel bad for posting and not having any help to offer others. I would like to help, but unfortunatley I don't have any answers and this is all really new to me.

I am not sure how all of this is going to effect me in the long run. I do know that it has inspired me. I have always wanted to help people -to make a difference in someone's life - if only a small difference and I think I am seeing some things that are emerging as opportunities from all of this.

Right now, I am in corporate marketing and this is not the life for me. I would like to go back and get my Master's in Sociology and become a counselor to help children that have been sexually abused. I would like to help break the cycle. I have always loved working with people, which is why I am in marketing - but I never felt fulfilled b/c I never feel like I am making a difference in anyone's life. I always thought I picked the wrong university degree in some aspects. This has given me a direction. I may not be able to help him, but someday, I may be able to make a difference to a cause that means a lot to me and has touched me deeply.

I took the tour so that I could go and get the money to pay for the master's and get back on my own two feet. I have set some new goals.

As far as what I need? Well, I need to give myself a bit of time to get back on my feet. I think it will be good for me to have some space in order to process what has happened and figure out how to proceed. I am hoping the answers will come. Right now, I am a bit overwhlemed by everything and I feel as though I have a very narrow frame of reference. I am no good when I am "burned" out and right now, I am "burned" out.

Thank you all so much for your help. I do not plan on leaving the site as it has really helped me. However, I hope to be able to comment more and help others as I learn - right now, I do not feel as though I know enough to offer advice, but I hope that I can learn more. I wish all of you support and love - this is tough - and I empathize with every partner and every survior out there. The journey is long...but you just have to believe - in something, anything - mainly yourself!

Thank you again, so very much!

*hugs*

Blue
 
Blue,

I'm crying for you. Your pain is so enormous and comes through so clearly. That's a huge difference between us and a survivor. We see the pain, we feel it, we show it and we deal with it. They do none of that, at least not in any productive kind of way - not at first.

But there really is hope if he works on it. Right now, I'm guessing that he does love you, but he doesn't have a clue how to do that so he's pushing you away from him. The bright side is that while he's doing that, he's also telling you that he has a plan. That he wants to see a T and he wants to "fix" himself.

Sometimes, for all of us, we can only handle one thing at a time. What he is dealing with is so major that to ask him to get well and love you, neither of which he knows how to do, may be just too much for him to handle.

He's distraught and doesn't want you to have to deal with HIS crap. That's how my b/f thinks, so I know it well and the only way he knows to keep you away from it is to put you out of his life.

His ability to compartmentalize everything, specifically his feelings for you, is probably already broken, although he's trying with all of his might to do that because it worked before. A good T will help him see that the grown up him can't successfully use that trick any more without doing even more damage and losing out on a really good thing.

Take your new job and put all of your energies into it. Arrange to see a T of your own to deal with your pain and stay in touch with b/f while your gone. Make sure your dog is OK and when you come home, visit and see for yourself. If he follows his desire to see a T, I think you'll begin to see a change in attitude and his ability to deal with the here and now.

ROCK ON..........Trish
 
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