A Secret Club

[PKP3]

I just wanted to share some thoughts I was having yesterday morning...

I feel like I'm part of this secret club now. I didn't choose to become a member. My husband did when he shared his secret with me. He let me in because he loves me and knew he could trust me. I'm so happy about that and now I am a member of this secret club. And it's hard being a member. As much as I want to, I can't talk to my friends or my family about this club, no matter how hard things get. Only my husband can. But my husband and I can't even hardly talk about this club, but we are trying and getting better at it each day. Hopefully, one day, he will be able to tell others about this club.

There are other members of this club. People I don't know nor will I probably ever meet them. But they will talk about this club with me here. They will listen to me and help guide me and try to answer my many questions. They will calm me when I'm upset and they will cheer me when I'm just having a good day.

I'm thankful I can go to this place and I'm thankful for everyone here.
I wish good days for you all.

PKP

Love is hard. Leaving is easy.
~Meredith Grey

 

[SmartShadow]

Hi PKP,
Thanks for this.
It is sad how much of myself and my story I have had to hide. This web site has helped me learn to be more open and begain to grow up in a lot of ways. It has become a community of support and friendships that are a big part of my recovery. The isolation I felt when I was the only one in my secret club was unbearable for me. I am glad you found this place and you are feeling supported and not alone in all this.

 

[L84]

Hi PKP,

Thank you for sharing your kind thoughts.
So sorry you have the need (and your husband) to be here.
It is so important to be able to open up and share with a safe
Person (s).

I think I can understand a bit where you and Smart Shadow are coming from.
Unless you've been thru this stuff as a survivor or supporter, who
could understand. I've been shunned, or worse ("dis-affirmed" by many)
along the way. Thankfully I have found insight and compassion here and
among a very few trusted ones "in person" which is huge.

I don't blame people for not getting it... How could they??
All the best to you and your husband along this path.
Sending prayers your all's way.

L

 

[HealingHope]

((PKP3))
This club takes huge strength & bravery for all membership perspectives. I'm so grateful for it too x

 

[PKP3]

Thanks...me too!

 

[KMCINVA]

PKP3

Welcome and I am glad you found your way here. Support is needed by both the survivor and those that standby the survivor. You must make your husband feel safe to share a personal and horrific secret--his abuse. You gave a reaction that some survivors do not receive, one of support and love.

I hope one day survivors and supporters do not feel the need to see their healing and recovery and supporters support as something that is a secret. Survivors and supporters should not feel the need to be silenced by the abuse--because it happened and for many the secret and keeping a secret hinders healing. It definitely is not a club anyone wants to be a member but it is reality. There are other clubs and others probably feel the same way--incest, parental abuse by children, mental illness groups. We need to remove the stigma from all these groups and realize we all suffer someway in life, no one has the perfect life.

I am glad you are here and hopefully one day the stigma attached to CSA will be removed and people will not feel guilt or shame related to what they lived for it was not their fault.

Your husband is lucky to have you by his side.

Kevin

 

[PKP3]

Thanks Kevin.

 

[wifenneed]

PKP3-
Thank you for your post. I too am a member of this club. I have not been on this site in many many years, but am currently struggling in my marriage once again, fighting my needs, wishes and desires so that my husband can cope every day. After 14 years I thought we would be beyond some things, which is foolish of me. I feel alone with no one to talk to, no one to trust with his secret who would even understand what happens to the spouse in these situations. I fight wanting to leave, to have some sense of happiness and not feel like I cause all the anger, irritability and criticism I seem to be the target of. Eggshells surround me...or perhaps land mines, and I step on them so much that I have lost the tears I used to shed, and instead have turned numb to his treatment of me to survive.

Thank you to all who are here who might share even a bit of what I experience. It is a lonely place for him and for me.

 

[WG]

Hi wifenneed - Yes, it is a lonely place. It would be good for you to find someone to talk to. I know therapists can be costly, but look at the cost you've paid - actually both of you, have paid. The reality is that you are still together - not eh ideal marriage and it can feel so lonely by his side. It probably is for him, too. If you can't afford a therapist, then find a trusted friend. If there is no one you feel you can trust, are either of you connected to a place of faith - mosque, synagogue, church, temple? There are normally people connected to that place who should be trustworthy enough to at least listen. They may not be able to give great advice, but you don't know until you give it a try. You and he were never meant to carry this alone. Find someone to talk to. Weekly. At a set time and place where you and he, alone or together, will feel safe and can let this come out. The eggshells and landmines you mention are no way for anyone to live. It won't be all roses and sunshine either, but whose life is? No one I know.
Go get the help you need. It's out there- you just need to make the first steps and start looking.You're both worth the work. -Winston (no, not Churchill)

 

[wifenneed]

Thank you WG-I saw a counselor over a year ago. This seems to make my husband upset too, thought I was there to talk about him. I simply said I was there for me, to help myself cope (with the loneliness, rejection and hostility I repeatedly receive). He went to see a counselor well over 20 years ago and will not go back, I have asked if he would consider going again and we just won't. He compares it to war veterans, how it is sometimes best not to live the memories over again, therefore will not go. The behavior is destructive to our marriage and hurts the children too, to the point they all know to stop talking to him and step around him.

We are all suffering. I have no personal experience with any abuse, and have had to cultivate empathy and patience and do a lot of research about the effects of childhood abuse. I so want to be a help, but he is shut down and does this over and over again. A cycle of sadness, anger and irritability which is like living in a torture chamber for the rest of us.

All I can do is love my kids and try to be happy and normal. It feels as though I have to leave him behind daily from my mind and body, the opposite of what a marriage should be.

I may call the counseling center again, although my husband will surely think it a waste of time and be defensive about it again. I am glad this site and forum are still here, and I apologize if I added too much to the thread. Just tired of the secret club of suffering and pretending to be happy all the time, when it is the complete opposite.

 

[WG]

Completely understandable. If he won't go, then you go. For you. Just you. He has so much to sort through - I get that - however, you were brought into it and have to deal with all that has happened when you may not have been aware of what he was carrying when you met and married. My wife certainly was not aware, and didn't know for the first 30 years of our marriage - although I now know she thought something was not right, with her or with me. Surprise, turns out it was me......We have been married 34 years and have 3 great adult children. They all know about me - not everything or they would all have thrown up when I disclosed this to them all 2 years ago. But enough to know there are triggers and sensitivities on my part. They're respectful of that. Again, you do need to get back to that therapist - since you now have a history with that person - and begin to do more work. Even if your husband will not. For your own sanity, you should. There will be tools you can begin to use, words and boundaries you can begin to set in place, that will give you someplace to stand. Right now it probably feels like shifting sand. You both deserve better.

 

[KMCINVA]

WG words as so true. You need to ensure you have support and to take care of yourself if you are to be able to help yourself and him.

WG I am happy you have a wonderful wife. I am glad your wife and children are respectful of the abuse. I have not been so fortunate. My children continue to deny and lie about my abuse, they have turned it into their show and when I hear the stories they tell it hurts but today I accept they lack something and I believe I know it comes from issues in their life and the need to follow what others who have significant influence over their lives. For me I let them push me to the depths, contemplating suicide and had thought of many ways to make it happen. I fortunately have others who support me and give me hope and life--a life that is evolving into one of happiness and joy. I do not believe my children and other tormentors will ever find this until they accept the truth. For I could not find it because I was hiding from my own truth, the CSA. I am writing about this experience, the perils, trial and tribulations of trying to heal. It is an honest expose of how I was treated, ostracized, ignored, the stories and lies told (strangely I heard the stories from people and the source were children, former wife and her family, my desperation to live, and having people who know love, trauma and can give support. I am learning the latter group seem to carry less guilt than those that torment. They put the person in their relationship first, they find happiness with themselves and I never had this for years. So PKP3 you are doing what is right, you are putting your husband before others but remember put yourself first, do not ignore your needs. Will the expose go anywhere I do not know, but it is therapeutic. I know it will make its way to a blog and someone said I should post to my social media account to help others--because they say I am not alone. Maybe, it is brutally honest and maybe others need to see themselves in print. I do not know.

WG said something so important, the setting of boundaries-it allows both to stand and move forward if they choose. Lack of boundaries will only create co-dependency and not resolve the issues. I have seen it in my family the lack of boundaries robs each person of an individual life, a life to pursue friends, happiness and to live without guilt. Guilt can consume one. Guilt for me was the abuse, the priest did not know boundaries.

WG I am happier for you and as he said PKP3 you both deserve better.

Kevin

 

[WG]

Hi Kevin - Thanks for the response. I would say that it isn't all wonderful with us - we have our moments and there are times I need a good cry. However, I do have their support. My wife reads some of the pieces I write here and there when I ask her to - she does say "it's a whole different world that I don't understand" and leaves it at that. As for guilt - I've learned, as I imagine you have - that shame says "I am a mistake" and guilt says "I made a mistake". Oftentimes, we survivors were made to feel like we were a mistake. Shame can consume us - and it was taking me down until I began to see my therapist.
As for the wifenneed - Please don't ever give up or give in to the lie that nothing will change. It does and it can over time, but some of what needs to happen is that you will need to go get the help you require even if he doesn't. He's stuck and is thus far willing to stay stuck. You needn't remain where you are.

 

[wifenneed]

Thank you WG. Boundaries are not something we worked on and I need to figure out what they are, and how to set them. So often in the thinking that I must comply and support and show empathy to him no matter what, it has left me feeling walked on, picked on, or ignored for weeks/months on end. Something has to change. Why does it feel selfish to think to myself " what about me?", even after 14 years.

 

[md4e]

It is absolutely astounding how I read statements that are identical to my own... feeling like I'm leaving a wounded soldier behind if I move forward to take care of myself.....that I have no stable ground to stand on... all things I said and felt. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, love a survivor, standing by him protecting him. Feeling like I parent alone because he can dissociate at anytime. And the awful feeling of not having (feeling like we don't) freedom. The triggers, all the unanswered questions we have, the loneliness in a 30+ yr marriage that everyone else sees as a great marriage. It is a great marriage but the part below like an iceberg that no one else sees is so painful to our souls. We are wounded just like our survivors, just in different ways. And those ways DESERVE to be healed and considered.
I read these boards everyday and I can't begin to say how much it helps. We are not alone...we are not crazy. ..we are not exaggerating...WE MATTER!
Today I feel strong (alone yet strong). I have worked hard to understand all of this, years of counseling, dozens of books, buckets of tears. But I matter and my family matters so onwards I go.
Thank you so much everyone for posting and for witnessing. It heals our soul to hear others in the same boat, and also from the survivors boat.

 

[SmartShadow]

About two years ago my wife and I learned that she was suffering from "secondary trauma" from living with me for all these years. My PTSD, depression, dissociation, obsessively reliving aspects of my trauma in my head, porn addiction, reactive anger and answering all of her questions, was taking a significant aculimitive toll on her.

That was a turning point for us. In truth I was sharing way too much of my process with her. She had developed an allergic reaction to my processing with her. I don't take full responsibility for this because all of the marriage books and recovery books were advocating full disclosure and sharing of deeper emotions. And even my wife was asking the questions. I thought she wanted to know so we could become closer and know each other at a deeper level. We had, by following conventional wisdom, become a reactive feed back loop for each other. It seamed like it was taking less and less to set things off. I was getting better and she was getting more unsettled and reactive. It was the secondary trauma kicking in.

I stopped sharing almost everything about my process for about a year and now I share only in the context of the relevant external moment. We are both much better now and slowly building an intelligent process for relating about life's experiences and meanings. We are slowly picking up the broken pieces of all the years of fall out bit by bit.

The secreat club for me, is about protecting others from what was never ment to be part of the day to day living.

It's an odd thing, I will clear my I pad of its history after I post this. Not just to hide this part of my life, but to protect my wife and kids. For her this site is a trigger. For my adult kids, they don't know I am a survivor of csa. And unless I think it would help them somehow, l mean to keep it that way.

Wouldn't wish this dilemma on anyone. I am sorry for all the secondary trauma out there. Never wanted to be part of any of it. Best I can do is grow and become aware of my impact others.

 

[wifenneed]

Smart shadow-
I can't read survivor stories very well, upsets me and I didn't even have to live through it- I cannot grasp the scope of it and neve will, but I try so very hard to understand and be patient. My husband started to tell me about his abuse years ago, and got quite a way before starting to become physically ill. I asked him not to tell me anymore, it is not necessary and I could see what it did to him as well. He was abused for 3 years, between age 7-10. I am not a counselor and not equipped to handle what can come from talking about it. I just wish he could get help, or find some peace, or something. We are not spring chickens, in our 50's. I am resigned to living with silence, being ignored and living with almost constant negativity. This is completely against my personality, to the point where I feel as though I insult him by being in a good mood, trying to be upbeat and trying to cultivate some sort of happiness.

 

[WG]

For all of you wives/partners/significant others - BLESS YOU ! Thanks for standing with us - oh, wait, don't stand - the lifeboat might tip over! Just be sure that when we're rowing, we all row in the same direction.
We know deep inside that you're not always equipped to hear what we talk about - but for some of us we have nowhere else to go. Sometimes we feel like we want to take our partners wit hus because that's what you are - a partner. However, we forget that traumatic childhoods almost always create a chaotic and scary adulthood. We need help to cope every day and for most of us, you are the go-to. Trouble is, you're not the professional help we need and you have the secondary trauma mentioned above, and now we have 2 people dealing with it all......because someone thought it was OK to abuse a little boy. The fallout is enormous.

 

[HealingHope]

I can see what you mean by the fine line of sharing and being careful not to hurt the very person who loves them unconditionally . I can see that's why mine has always tried to deal with things & protect me by being away when things get too much. No matter how strong I am and try to convince him. My heart goes out to those hurting by the effects of this toxic trauma, this place is such a sanctory.

 

[newground]

hey pkp I just thought I would add this. a short time after I began to see my T he convinced me to allow my wife to ask just one question to which i had to reply as honestly as I could. she asked me "Why cant you trust me with it?"
I had to think about it a week or so and then I wrote this. I couldnt even tell her in words.

It is an amazing thing, as many things are, that I can remember the same things that you do, but for me it feels so different. You ask me “why can’t I trust you with it?” Why…? Why would I not let you lift the piano? Why would I not let you put your hand in a flame? To me the question is senseless. Would I trust you to handle a rattlesnake? Would I trust you to drink poison? NO!
This to me is not about trust, though I know there is a part that hides it for shames’ sake. After all, the person you have known for all these years doesn’t exist. He is an amalgam of hopes and desires, desperately longing for things to be different, hoping to find a genuine self somewhere beneath this crap pile. you can’t know this me, whoever he is because I don’t know him myself… never have.
Is it possible after all this time that you don’t know? My JOB is to love you; my job is to provide, to keep you safe. I could no more hurt you than I could lasso the moon and yet you want me to somehow share? To allow this slow death that has caused me nothing but pain to become a part of you … I admit I cannot. If it should destroy us, if I caused your wound, then how could I continue?
I have told you many times that you saved my life you have NO idea how true that is. Before I met you I had NOTHING… I was nothing, nothing but the prospect of loneliness and grief wanting desperately for life to be finished. YOU taught me how to live, how to at least manage and yes I have constructed a lot to be what I thought I was supposed to be. I don’t even know what the reality is honestly. You have been Life, joy, and relationship, how can I risk that?
I don’t know if this is the answer, but I think… it is the best I can offer
I dont know if that helps or even applies but that is where I was then for sure
Jeff