a reminder: it wasn't your fault

[jwh]

Children are never responsible for being sexually abused. Unfortunately, most survivors feel they were responsible. Why? Because 1) children dealing with trauma automatically assume the trauma was their fault in order to feel some sense of control over the terror and grief they feel; 2) perpetrators give both overt and subtle messages to their victims that the abuse is their fault--if a child believes this, he usually will not tell on the perpetrator.

If you are still blaming yourself for being molested, get a picture of yourself from the age you were when you were molested. Look at that picture and try to tell your child self "It's your fault you were abused." The purpose of this exercise is to help you realize that it is not your adult self that suffered the abuse, but that naturally naive, trusting, beautiful child that you were. Your perpetrator took adavantage of your innocent child's love and affection. You were not to blame AT ALL.

With love,
Jeff

 

[Wuamei]

Jeff:

That sounds like a very helpful exercise, thanks for sharing it.

You are right we were not & are not to blame. That's why it's called "abuse."

We may also feel we were to blame becuz we were sexually aroused when we were sexually abused:

9. Boys often feel physical sexual arousal during abuse even if they are repulsed by what is happening.

from "TEN FACTS ABOUT SEXUAL ABUSE OF BOYS AND ITS AFTERMATH".
But this is a natural reaction. Girls have it too sometimes.

From "MYTHS ABOUT MALE SEXUAL ABUSE"

Myth #7 - If the perpetrator is female, the boy or adolescent should consider himself fortunate to have been initiated into heterosexual activity.

If we feel this was abuse we may feel guilty about
that & blame ourselves.

Myth #1 - Boys and men can't be victims.

The ultimate myth. That maleness & victimization are incompatible. Perpetrated by both male & female in many cultures. Males can always stop others from hurting them. If they don't its their fault they weren't "man" or "boy" enuf.
One word for that, or how about one picture:

By definition when we were sexually abused, at whatever age, this means someone had power over us
& abused it in a sexual way.

Jeff you are so right it was not our adult self, or at least not our present probably somewhat healthier & more knowledgeable adult self that was abused. We've got to remember that. The exercise you share could help.

Too bad I don't have pics of myself as a child. Probably no way to get any either.

But I can still use my imagination and find a way to do this.

Thanks Jeff

Victor

 

[hdan]

I agree. I have actually looked at a picture of myself and done exactly what was suggested. I won't ever be able to tell that kid (me) that it was his fault - because it wasn't. I was forced into it unwillingly, and in my case, by the very people who were supposed to be most protective of me. Thanks for the reminders.

 

[Lloydy]

Jeff
my picture of young Dave hangs on the wall just above my computer monitor.

He smiles down on me, and I smile back

Dave

 

[Leosha]

I do not have picture of me at age it starts, but I do have some of during that time it goes on. I do not know that it is supposed to help though, because it is picture of me, and I hate me. But I look at picture of my roommate right now, when she is maybe age I was when it starts. And I can not tell her that, I can not say it is her fault, or that she wants that. She is so small at that age, so very sweet and looks so much like child, not someone who might want these things done. I see how you mean this might work.