A rant

[outis]

Sorry for posting this here, but I don't want my wife to find it on the public site. Actually, I'm sorry for posting it at all.

I'm trying to keep positive. I'm trying to stay active in our life. I've stopped going online after work in the evening so I can be with my family. I help with dinner, cleanup, homework, etc. I take time to play, goof around, just relax.

My wife was in tears yesterday over me "not being there." She said that even when I'm physically there, I'm not there. When I'm online, or at a meeting, or reading or writing, it's even worse, of course. She refers to these activities as "wound licking." Other times I'm just zoned out, and even the times when I realize that, I can't always get myself grounded.

I had tried to get her to tell me why she was crying, half expecting that she would announce she wants to end our marriage. She told me over and over, "There's nothing wrong. It's my problem. Go take care of your problems."

I finally got something out of her. She feels that I entered our relationship deceptively, by "hiding" my abuse history. Actually, my mother had regaled her with tales of my father's temper and physical abuse, so she can't say she was completely ignorant of all abuse when we got engaged.

I wish I had never brought it (SA) to her. Not that I wish I had continued to keep it secret, but I wish I had not burdened her with it. She asks, "What else do you have hidden?" and I don't know how to answer that. I have not cheated on her. I continued with pot, and sometimes something stronger into the beginning of our marriage, but I managed to "switch" to workaholic around the time our first child was born. (50-60 hours a week an hour away from home by 2001)

I feel like I've done something terrible to her, and I can't undo it. I feel like shit. I can't talk about this with her. She didn't sign up to help me recover. I don't know what I can do that won't make me feel worse. Everything takes away from something else. I had an image yesterday of myself as a rat in a corner. Not some animal with a vicious bite preparing to defend itself. Just vermin.

I need to find a way to make this easier on her. I know I'm not right, but she's hurting while I try to get right, and that's not fair. I brought it to her, and I should find a way to make it easier on her.

It has taken nearly two hours to write this, and it reads back like I hate myself or something. I know things aren't as bad as I feel like they are. But knowing doesn't help.

Sorry to piss on your day.

Joe

 

[Ivanhoe]

Joe,
You're not pissing on my day. You're speaking to what's on my heart. Did any of our partners sign on to see us through our recoveries? Great question, when you consider the "through sickness and health" bit. I know exactly what you're talking, stewing about........well, not exactly, but I think you know what I mean. So many of our concerns could be written by interjecting my name for yours, his name for that guy's name, etc.
I've often thought that I wish that I hadn't brought any of this up to my partner/wife. But, after each episode or tale, she thanks me for letting her know. As if she didn't have enough to worry about what with the kids, work, her own life.
This year got especially tough for her with my abusive, accusatory language of her; talk about misplaced aggression--I should have been taken out and shot--ya, vermin.
We've gotten into couple's counseling with a Licensed Clinical Social Worker-LCSW, similar training that Ken Singer has had, although she specializes in couples. It's been good for us and I'm hopeful for some positive resolutions. We just received the book that we've been waiting for, "The Power Of Two: Secrets to a Strong and Loving Marriage."...Susan Heitler.
I'm one of those simpletons who really believes in marriage. I've just been lousey at it the last couple of years. Even though this site has beamed a strong light into areas of my life and shown me where I'm weak in our marriage, being here at this site has encouraged me to root out some of the negativity in my life, so that I can be there more completely for those whom I love.
I hope that your posting, and your examination of your feelings about your life with your wife and family, will bring you to a place of some positive resolution.
God, you're not alone in this. Every guy here can identify with your dilemma, married or partnered. Let's share whatever insights we come across.
You're a good man for bringing this up.
Your brother in the struggle, hang in there,
David

 

[RickL]

Joe,

I echo what David has said, and I'd like to share some of my perspective with you.

My marriage did not last. It ended 5 years ago, I'm not in a relationship, but I continue to get insights about what was going on.

I SO remember my wife accusing me of all the things you talk about--the zoning out, not being "present", etc. Ironically, I had memories of my dad fondling me in the bathtub, which I had shared with her, but I just didn't feel it was a big deal. Of course, the abuse in my case was also emotional, physical and verbal. My mother's needs were not met by my dad, so she, unwittingly I feel, used me to meet her emotional needs. Bottom line: I had parents, yet I was an orphan. And I've just now been coming to terms with how my need for being "parented" has driven my behavior my whole life.

But getting back to my former wife, I now see that, while my issues were sizable, she also had a certain expectation that came out, that was part of her fantasy. My issues dashed her hopes for her girlish fantasy to come true. For example, I remember her saying to me once that she was wanting a husband to be her chivalrous knight in shining armor. While that may sound reasonable, but her projecting of that fantasy onto me, and her continual disappointment that I did not meet that fantasy, created a big rift.

So the point is, these issues of abuse are part of your human history. You may not have been as clear about your reality when you married. We tend to get better perspective as time goes by (as I said above--I thought my dad's sexual abuse of me was nothing at all). Also, energy devoted to your own recovery may mean energy that you don't have to fulfill what might be her fantasy expectations of what a husband would be like. She may be grieving over that, but fact is, girlish fantasies about how a husband should be is not the equal of deep love and support.

So I want to say that it IS good that you brought up your issues of sexual abuse. And yes, she might not have signed up to help you recover--you have to principally do that--she did marry you, and we can't always predict the future hardships our spouses my face.

It doesn't mean you should talk about your abuse/recovery issues incessantly, but to pretned they're not there is just like the dysfunctional stuff I grew up with--which REALLY does not work. Point is, own YOUR stuff, and recognize she must own HER stuff. You can help her by seeing that distinction, and supporting her in finding her own peace.

I don't mean to sound like I know it all, just sharing a perspective I have now that I wish I knew years ago. If I did, I might be married. But, in my case, I was such denial that only divorce could shake me up enough to really work on my recovery. I'm still working at it. All I can do is keep my head up, pursue healthy friendships and look toward the future.

Rick

 

[outis]

I hope that your posting, and your examination of your feelings about your life with your wife and family, will bring you to a place of some positive resolution.
God, you're not alone in this. Every guy here can identify with your dilemma, married or partnered. Let's share whatever insights we come across.
You're a good man for bringing this up.

David,

Thanks for the encouragement and the clarity. I think I understood that this is common to survivors trying to start/maintain/enhance relationships, but it just got to the point I had to say something to someone.

I know (I've asked, twice) that my wife does not want to know any of the details that I do recall from the SA. I wonder if she thinks she was gypped, ripped off, if she got less than she bargained for in our marriage. That bothers me, and I'll have to find a way to bring it up with her for discussion, once I'm a little more level headed.

It doesn't mean you should talk about your abuse/recovery issues incessantly, but to pretned they're not there is just like the dysfunctional stuff I grew up with--which REALLY does not work. Point is, own YOUR stuff, and recognize she must own HER stuff. You can help her by seeing that distinction, and supporting her in finding her own peace.

Rick,

There's a lot of good there in your post, insight that David talked of sharing. Pretending it wasn't there is what let it grow to such a monster inside me.

I think I do need to put this into a better perspective, and learn to see how much is my stuff, how I can work on that, how much is her stuff, and what concrete actions, if any, I can take to support her while she works on her stuff.

Men, thank you for your kind words. I wrote in my journal last night that instead of bouncing up and down, I've been caught in the current, dragging along the bottom. I feel this morning like I'm getting up out of the sediment.



Thanks,

Joe

 

[Wuamei]

My wife was in tears yesterday over me "not being there." She said that even when I'm physically there, I'm not there. When I'm online, or at a meeting, or reading or writing, it's even worse, of course.

If I had a penny for every time I've heard that from my wife...

I finally got something out of her. She feels that I entered our relationship deceptively, by "hiding" my abuse history.

Joe, I don't know her "side", and I can understand
her having that feeling, but that's not really fair to you or to your marriage. No one shares every single thing about themselves before marriage, even what they do remember. That's part of what marriage is about.

I feel like I've done something terrible to her, and I can't undo it. I feel like shit. I can't talk about this with her. She didn't sign up to help me recover. I don't know what I can do that won't make me feel worse. Everything takes away from something else.

No, Joe, something terrible was done to you.

Yes it affects her & that hurts. Sometimes the way my SA affects my wife hurts me more than its effects on me.

Actually our wives did sign up to help us recover, at least in the sense of being supportive
as we work our recovery. It's called "for better or for worse." That is of course a two way street and there are things we can do to make things easier on them & support them too. I don't think not talking about our SA at all is one of them.

I had an image yesterday of myself as a rat in a corner. Not some animal with a vicious bite preparing to defend itself. Just vermin.

Bro Joe, you couldn't possibly be a rat. You're a wolf! A survivor!

OOOHHHWWWHHHHOOOOOOO!

Victor

 

[outis]

No one shares every single thing about themselves before marriage, even what they do remember.

Victor,

You're right, but I can see where this might be something so far off her radar back in '91 that she's in a kind of shock over it now.

Actually our wives did sign up to help us recover, at least in the sense of being supportive
as we work our recovery. It's called "for better or for worse." That is of course a two way street and there are things we can do to make things easier on them & support them too.

Are there things you have been able to do for your wife? My wife has come here and read some of the posts, though I'm not sure how much or how long ago. She registered, but has never posted.

Bro Joe, you couldn't possibly be a rat. You're a wolf! A survivor!

Thanks, I needed that. Actually, by the Chinese restaurant placemat zodiac, I was born in the year of the rat (1960), and my kids really enjoy that! But I like being part of the wolf pack now, even though I remain partial to cats.


AAAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!


Joe

 

[Ken Followell]

Guys,

I have no insight to offer here. I am so in the midst of dealing with how to be a survivor in marriage that nothing seems clear to me right now. Just knowing that I am not alone helps but a light at the end of this dark tunnel sure would be welcomed.

Ken

 

[The Dean]

When You Are the Partner of a Rape or Incest Survivor: A Workbook for You

Joe and David and Rick et al. This is the title of a book I found at our bookstore. I do not know if it is good or not. But it sounds like your spouses could use some help understanding you and your relationships.

I hope if you get it that it is in fact good. If you go to our book store and search by the name you will get a page where you can see a fuller explanation and sometimes even reviews.

Bob

 

[Wuamei]

No one shares every single thing about themselves before marriage, even what they do remember.

Victor,

You're right, but I can see where this might be something so far off her radar back in '91 that she's in a kind of shock over it now.

Joe, good point & good possibility.

Actually our wives did sign up to help us recover, at least in the sense of being supportive
as we work our recovery. It's called "for better or for worse." That is of course a two way street and there are things we can do to make things easier on them & support them too.

Are there things you have been able to do for your wife? My wife has come here and read some of the posts, though I'm not sure how much or how long ago. She registered, but has never posted.

My wife has read a few things from here but never registered or anything. We talk about stuff I write, about my feelings, her feelings, etc. Even to a point about my T times. Also I've given her stuff about male survivors to read from online and also some books. Got a workbook we could go thru together but she's not ready for that yet and that's ok.

Of course I also try to help her with her stuff. And since I don't work fulltime be helpful around the house. When I haven't been in a car wreck!

Bro Joe, you couldn't possibly be a rat. You're a wolf! A survivor!

Thanks, I needed that. Actually, by the Chinese restaurant placemat zodiac, I was born in the year of the rat (1960), and my kids really enjoy that! But I like being part of the wolf pack now, even though I remain partial to cats.


AAAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH!


Joe [/QB][/QUOTE]

Hey Joe wolves love cats!

Victor