A Rambling Vent

[Bobby]

There's no place else to do this, and I'm fairly sure that I'm anonymous, so I'm just going to let it fly. I hope it's okay to do that here. If I say something I shouldn't I'm sure someone will tell me. I was triggered by a movie recently. I didn't expect anything in the movie to be triggering, but in the beginning there was a scene that really sent me reeling...not that night but the next day. I have been reeling ever since. It implied SA but only subtly. Something must have spoken to me. But it was a mother and a child. All of my SA was from my father (and others-all men). During the next week I had new memories of abuse and I was older. I had thought that my abuse had stopped at the age of five or six. I feel that in this memory I was about eight. Still the new memory had nothing to do with a woman in any way.
I have no way of comparing the workings of my mind with others. I'm hoping you can help me there. When I have something working in the back of my mind, there is just this uneasiness that I feel. It's like my mind is working a mile a minute but I can't access what is going on. I know it has something to do with the SA, but I don't know what. It's so frustrating not to be able to get to it. Sometime in the future I may or may not find out what it is, but until then I will be in this constant state of uneasiness. I write poetry, in my journal, hoping to clear my mind. I also want to isolate and not think. My wife asks me what's going on and I try to tell her, but can't exactly.
I hate the fact that most of my memories are returning repressed memories. They have an unreal feeling to them. Some, when I'm with my T and doing EMDR are flashbacks and so real that I feel like they are taking place in the present. I feel them and my body reacts as though I were being abused now instead of then. But I can never put a face on the main perpetrator although I'm almost positive it was my father. I think though that there were others involved. I see their faces. Also in my memories I have seen my father having sex with another boy. I come around a corner into the room and there they are. In this memory, I see his (surprised) face.
But because I can't see his face when I am being SA, I feel like I can't name him as my P. I can't accuse him without proof. He is dead and my family thinks I'm completely out of my mind. He would never do the things I say he did. Actually, I've never said out loud to them the things he did, only that I'm having SA problems.
Do any of you have similar problems with repressed memories? Some articles I read say that they are very real and accurate. Others don't believe them. I'm going crazy here. I am exactly like everything I read about SA victims. If you read the affects of SA on a life, you are reading about my life. Part of me knows that I was SA. Another part of me won't let me admit it. I can't begin healing until I can admit what happened to me, but I think accepting the fact that my father _______ me might be more than I can bear.
I guess I don't know what I'm asking from you here. I just needed to say it out loud to someone who might understand. I would really appreciate hearing from some of you whose memories of SA are either repressed or flashbacks...I have both. I'm also afraid of what you will say. I'm so sure that I was SA, my body is so sure, my mind is so sure, but what if I wasn't? What then? I need to trust my memories. They're so real. For four years I've been in hell. I want so much to accept so I can heal. Sometimes I'm there, and then I go back to the doubting. Sorry about the rambling. If you made it this far, thanks for listening. Bobby

 

[dmcdd]

Some of my memories are so real I'm there - sight, sound, touch and smell. Oddly enough there's never any sound. Other memories are just a nudging feeling that something isn't right. I don't recall most of my childhood.

I don't know what those in the mental health sciences would say, but I personally don't think that it's all that important to dredge up ALL the repressed memories. I recall enough to know who did it, and that it was multiple times. That's enough for me. Now it's gotten to where I remember something new, and I can look at it as "well, there's another one - time was I'd be in a rage now. Glad I'm makin progress".

I'm concentrating hard on living in Now and preparing for Tomorrow. Yesterday is like the wake of a boat - lots of turmoil, shows where I've been, but doesn't have anything to do with which way the boat's bein steered right now.

 

[Aden]

Being unaware of any repressed memories in myself, it is hard to comment accurately on this subject. Unfortunately, I remember everything all too well. At least that is what I believe.

There would be a serious risk that I was going into a state of fantasy if I were to suddenly start remembering things at this point. Yet, I believe such thing happen and that some of the time it is real.

I am in no place to judge your memories. Allow me ask a simple question. What is it that you want to be the truth? Do you accept these memories in support of you desires, or in rejection to your desires? Or just as moments of discovery?

I have no idea what is going on. My suggestion is that you study your own motivations and accept these revelations in accordance with what you believe to be the truth.

Aden

 

[Rustam]

Hi Bobby,

I have had/sometimes have many of the same struggles. I had continuous memory of sometimes before the abuse like seeing my dad unzipping etc but the actual abuse memories returned in my late 20s, I wasnt in therapy or anything so I dont fit the false memory idea of implanted memories. I always believed myself but the strength of the belief varied. Age of onset, closeness of the abuser etc all contribute to how much continuous memory we have. The family script is that ours was an ideal childhood and our parents are saints. They actually say that.

The denial for me is something that comes and goes, when it feels too painful to face I doubt myself. Its a safety net all be it a very uncomfortable crazy making one. The certainty has grown with work on this and I know that I have a better quality of life than I thought possible through working on this.

Accepting not accepting the reality is part of the healing, you are doing it. As you say really believing yourself right now is more than you can bear. Its a confusing difficult process and the academic debate about it can be more confusing than anything. Attempts to prove or disprove repression in a lab are to a large extent absurd. How would that happen get parents to abuse very young children in the lab and do follow up studies on memory.

You are doing the healing and living with the uncertainty is part of that, I cant validate your memories but the truth is in you and with time it will become clearer.

Take care,

Rustam.

 

[willtobecomplete]

Bobby,
As I read your post I thought, "Wow, someone that is going through almost exactly what I am right now." It is a very frustrating place to be for any ammount of time. I feel like, "Ok, it's time to move on to the next stage of this deal." Not that I am expecting any miracle resolution, I know I still have not been through the thick of this yet, but atleast I will know for sure and I won't have to feel so uncertain and obsess on who it was. If you wish to find informaition on recovered memories, there is tons on www.jimhopper.com , it will take a while to get though it all, alot of studies, but I found it extremely validating, as to the prevelance of forgetting and remmembering CSA.
Anyway, I got a little to carried away with all this, its like you want to know and you want to know right now, I had to pace myself and not take in so much all at once and have a time to deal with this and limit it to that time. You may have to do the same if dealing with this starts to be to much, to the point of it totally taking over your life.
I hope you find the clarity you are looking for.
Make it a Great Day!

 

[Thomas]

Bobby,

I have all too many memories of the covert incest done to me. The overt incest, the actual physical acts done by a second perpetrator, I have only a few memories of. I find that my case is very similar to dmcdd's:

I recall enough to know who did it, and that it was multiple times.

I have to agree that it's not really necessary to remember everything. Simply knowing that it happened multiple times(and, of course, who did it) gives me the information I need to keep from thinking I'm nuts. I also now know where all my self-destructive behaviors came from. At last, I can work on becoming healthy.

My $0.02 .

Tom

 

[reality2k4]

Bobby,

I meant to reply to this last night but deleted my reply.

Repressed memories are with a lot of us, the mind suppresses terrible events, I think to ease the burden on itself and your body.

You make an interesting parallel, that you cannot put a face on the first perp, I couldn't, maybe through sheer terror of the event.

Other faces are burnt in my mind, and I could never forget them. A lot of my teen years are blocked, but I remember key events clearly.

You are having emdr, which is bringing flashbacks, is it any wonder you are feeling so low?

I have no way of comparing the workings of my mind with others. I'm hoping you can help me there. When I have something working in the back of my mind, there is just this uneasiness that I feel. It's like my mind is working a mile a minute but I can't access what is going on. I know it has something to do with the SA, but I don't know what. It's so frustrating not to be able to get to it.

You can compare your mind with others here' mind going at lightning speed not making any sense of it all, yes, just like my mind. It races all day, then at the end of the day I am dead beat.

It is a bit like being in a dream where the dream flashes so many scenes, but it is not real. Don't be frustrated, just let it be. I know it is very hard not to understand, but the mind is complex in dealing with things.

You have to realise it is starting to heal, by going back and reliving the pain, and there would have been tons of it.

I wrote a poem, I am not very good at writing them, but I wrote it in Word, and it just flowed out.

You are good at poetry, and it is very therapeutic to express in poetry, but you could not believe I wrote it, and thought it was your mind.

Are we so far away in the way we think in the recovery process?

Let your mind recover the memories it wants to, you are healing, but take a break from thinking you are going mad.

You must have gone so much, surviving this when you where a kid, it was a huge burden for any kid to carry.

We beat ourselves up mentally for blowing things out of proportion, but in reality, we faced a mammoth task to just get through childhood.

The conditioning of the past bears mental scars, but the mind can heal, and hopefully you will get through this by understanding you were not alone.

As a boy, you were strong when you should never have had to be, you came through because a kid can take so much, even if it is so unbearable.

Keep expressing yourself in poetry, and ask for answers here, it will all fit,

take care,

ste