A Question. . .

[sunshine2]

I find it very interesting that so many of our survivors here kept quiet for so long. My fiance, Doug, is 24, he was abused from toddler to about eleven. He was always very much up front and open with me about what happened to him as a kid - right down to the parts of his psyche that were angry not only with the mother that abused him but the therapists who victimized him as well (he had two, one man, one woman, that both came on to him).

For a long time sex and anger were the same for him, but he never hid it, never kept it a secret. He made it very clear that he felt he wasn't all right, that he was having angry thoughts and that he wanted to "fix" that. Until he "fixed" those feelings, we would not be intimate. He was always open about his feelings of abandonment and lonliness. His sadness that his father refused to remove him from that situation yet he's still very devoted to the man. His anger at being used and "taken" by others who felt they had the right to abuse him verbally because he was "different" because he'd been burned during the abuse. His long time anger, that we finally over came, regarding therapy and his feelings that it was all useless because it didn't provide anything to really stop his pain. All of the different parts that made up his suffering were never hid from his family, his friends or myself. I guess that just makes me wonder - is that even normal? Is Doug's an unusual case?

Where is the line between sharing and not sharing? Where and when exactly is it determined that "now is the time to share this pain"? I know that every case is different, I guess I'm just wondering why some victims are willing to be so vocal in spite of the shame while others keep silent for many years.

 

[beautifuldisaster]

No expert here, but like all things human....each is very unique in personality and situation.

Situation (what cannot be controlled)
+ Reaction (what we do/can control)
-----------
Outcome

 

[Rustam]

I would agree with the previous post that everyone has an individual reaction. I don't think there is a normal

Just a thought I had, If it is the case that his reality about the abuse was reflected back to him and understood by a non-abusing adult soon after it happened, then the secrecy would be much less likely I expect. If it was never hidden and secret then that could explain his openness about it.

Rustam

 

[SAR]

sunshine2,

This struck me in your post:

He was always open about his feelings of abandonment and lonliness. His sadness that his father refused to remove him from that situation yet he's still very devoted to the man. His anger at being used and "taken" by others who felt they had the right to abuse him verbally because he was "different" because he'd been burned during the abuse. His long time anger, that we finally over came, regarding therapy and his feelings that it was all useless because it didn't provide anything to really stop his pain. All of the different parts that made up his suffering were never hid from his family, his friends or myself.

I don't know if it's normal, but I think it puts your fiance ahead of the game that he can recognize and articulate his feelings this well. It's much easier to be open about your suffering if you have a language for it. I don't think many kids are allowed to explore and verbalize their "negative" feelings-- I know plenty of very smart people, including survivors, who couldn't describe the difference between feeling lonely and feeling abandoned-- obviously they know the difference between the two words, but not how to distinguish between the two feelings.

Rustam makes a good point. A survivor's whole environment influences his decision to tell or not to tell. As a child he may think that no one who will believe him or respect how he feels about what has happened.

If your feelings are minimized constantly, if your trust is betrayed in little ways, if you have already been labelled a problem, why would you choose to share a painful secret? How many times do adults say to kids "That's nothing to cry about," or "Of course you like ____," or retell their children's secrets over the phone to friends, or cut them off in the middle of their stories? When you think about all the ways that even well-meaning adults can damage children's trust in them, it's not surprising that so many kids don't tell.

 

[ak]

I can say I am from differnt culture, and that is part the shame and why not speaking of it before. It is something not spoken of so much even of girls in our country, and definitely not to boys. And also, I was away of home while it was hapening, in a different city further away of my family, so really did not have anyone there I feel I could talk to or trust. I am glad that some people can tell right away, can tell sooner then others. I am 19, so maybe I am one sooner than others. But I have close friend who help me to come here and start work at it. Not so much people have that kind of suport or help.

Andrei