A question(with some pain) about marriage and love from a survivor..

A question(with some pain) about marriage and love from a survivor..
L

LupinIII

Registrant
As many of you might know I am a survivor of incest. My mother, the one with the addictive personality, made me her substitute partner when no men were around and quite frankly it f-ed me up.

Fast forward to me at 25....I meet a woman who is a a little over ten years older than me. A woman who is very sweet but very co-dependent with a controlling family that we eventually wind up being cut off from. We do not have a lot in common besides the basics....but she is affectionate and unconditional in her support and I am independent and the "knight" who takes on her family.

We get married and have two great kids...and go through many many trials and fights...we are all but cut off from our families and do not have babysitting so we never really get to work on our relationships..

Okay now let's move ahead to today. We have eliminated a lot of the toxins injected by our families..but then whammo the specter of incest rears its ugly head...I know that when we got married it was for a lot of unhealthy reasons...I cannot get a grip on wether or not it is a good thing that we are so different..if the things I long for, like someone to share intellectual conversations with or who gets my zany and sometimes dry humor..or understands my writing...is something i need to get elsewhere or if I am robbing myself of an experience...I love my wife but I wish there was more passion...there is plenty of love and affection but there is virtually no spark...the only thing i know for certain is that i dont want my kids to have to go through the whole mommy/daddy seperate thing...and I do love her...but..I want to know what it is like to have a partner with some mutual interests and passions..is this a myth..a pipe dream...is what i have better...is it better for someone philisophical to be with someone who isnt lest they drive each other crazy...i am so confused....i always have been confused about this issue but now i know what was the driving force behind my attraciton to my wife as well as other women...

any wisdom into this issue would be appreciated...
 
i could have wrote this. if your figure it all out let me know.

what i have concluded is that there are reasons i am with my wife, and i do love her and the kids. life is about choices and choices mean sacrificing. i have decided that i have chose to be with deborah, and that even though we are not a perfect match, that is just an illusion. no two people are perfect for one another. deborah has supported and loved me through pure hell as i cheated and lied. she is a good woman, and i would be a fool to trade that for fleeting excitement. the problem with all relationships is that they age, and that spark fades even in the best of them. i have concluded it is up to us to keep that spark alive, or at least an ember of it. this is how i have decided to aproach all of this. i hope it helps.

i found once i made up my mind this was where i was going to be, and gave up on changing, a lot of the internal conflict went away. as i said, this is how i worked it out, and i hope it helps.
 
LupinIII,

I found that many, though not all, of the problems and difficulties in our marriage were related in one way or another to behaviors I brought to the relationship out of my past abuse. Not all, because I am not the only one in the relationship, and everyone carries with them a past that is not all pleasantries.

I don't know if I've ever written about this here before. A few years ago, I felt that our marriage was lacking, particularly lacking in enthusiasm and passion on my wife's part. I thought things were generally ok, but I wanted better than that.

I did some reading on relationships, getting past the mundane, ho hum, same stuff different day kind of slump. It seemed to me that it essentially boils down to sincere, respectful communication. "Co" is the important part of that last word. It has to go both ways. I thought that I needed to be a better listener, to actively listen.

But we had been in this routine for a long time by then. My wife was not in a hurry to communicate, or even to trust that I really wanted that. It took quite an effort to get her to talk to me about what she really felt and thought.

She was thinking of divorce. She did feel, but not for me. I did not want to put my children through divorce. My own parents' divorce was a terribly destabilizing event in my life, literally the start of a path that led to that damn dirty mattress on the perp's apartment floor.

It took a lot of painful discussion to get her to agree to start marriage counseling. In one of those discussions, I heard my voice telling her about the perp. I still don't know why I mentioned that, then of all times. It was the first time I had ever told anyone.

She and I are different in a lot of ways. We are learning again to enjoy those differences, because we can help each other reach for things undeveloped in ourselves. She's never going to be a Mets fan, and I'm never going to care whether the shower curtain matches the towels. We each spoke angrily to the other last night over some of the stress in a remodeling project going on right now. But we were joking as we turned off the lights, and when I kissed her goodbye this morning, it was real.

I believe people get together for a reason. Relationships take effort, and the good ones are worth that effort. If you stay in it and both work at it, you will each get the partner that you need.

As a practical matter, find a babysitter. Check with your coworkers, people where you worship, people where your neighbors and coworkers worship if you're not regular church-goers. We are pretty well cut off from family, too. From Thanksgiving weekend, 1992, until around the same time in 2002, we never went out except to meet for lunch during the workday. (For a lot of that time we worked for the same employer.) Nothing I can think of will do more for your relationship than leaving the kids with someone safe and taking off to relate to one another.

So, if you wanted any advice from a guy who's still in marriage counseling, there it is. Take what you like, etc.

Thanks,

Joe
 
a great answer outis.

deborah and i are working very hard, and you are very right, communication is the key. i am learning how to really relate and talk to her. fortunately, because it was mostly my failure, we havent resorted to counseling, but things are much better since i started talking and listening to her.

lets face it. many women would quickly run from a man with our problems. a woman that supports and loves you despite of those is worth fighting for.
 
Thanks guys...this helps a lot. I know that somewhere in my perfectionist head I linked the idea that the perfect woman could save me...since the one who gave birth to me f-ed things up so badly...I appreciate the feedback.
 
I think it appears that for some people, the only other person they need in their life is their partner. That person meets all their needs. There will be other people who's partner only meets part of their needs. Other needs will need to be met elsewhere. I am not talking of or condoning at all cheating on a partner. But friends, family, coworkers, other members of society can perhaps meet some of the needs you are not finding with your wife. (Please do keep in mind that I do not have experience with marriage at all). Another thought I have, perhaps counseling with both of you, you could both express your needs openly, and perhaps realize what is 'missing' and what can be done to retrieve that. I wish you and your spouse good luck.

Leosha
 
LUPINIII-

I know how you are feeling. I married a woman because she picked me. I am now starting to see the lie I have lived as a result of my years of abuse. I felt unworthy to be able to choose my own mate. THings haven't been well for years in my marriage. No major fighting or anything like that. Just emotionally its been dead. We have not grown closer over the years, actually farther apart. We don't have much in common and we have no friends. I finally had enough and I asked my wife for a separation back in March. She said she wanted to fight for our marriage. Mainly because we have three little girls. We are going to counciling but I continue to struggle. It hasn't been until this past week that I made a break through. I cannot ignore my past anymore. I am finally ready to address my sexual abuse. I know that it has caused me to live a life of lies. My wife is a beautiful woman and She is deserving of a man that can love her for who she is. I am not that man. I know that I am just beginning to walk down a long road to recovering and becoming a survivor. It will be a painful road and my wife and three children don't deserve to deal with my childhood demons. I don't know what I should do. Stay or go and be alone while I finally grow up. I still struggle but at least I have started the journey.
 
let me say this, before anyone discounts your marriage or relationship, you have to give it a fair shot. you have to be part of it before you can condemn it. by that i mean, survivors tend to put up walls to hide behind. they fill a relationship with lies and secretes. before you leave, dont you at least owe that relationship all you have to give? that means dropping the walls, and laying it out there. it means investing honesty and openness in a relationship that has never had those. it means putting your fears aside, and laying it all out there for your mate.

recovery doesnt have to be an ending, but can be a new beginning. it is a chance to say i screwed up, let's start over. if you havent grown together, chances are you havent really put your heart in it. you have to share all of this pain, all of these feelings. i think you'll be surprised what two people can achieve if they are honest, and sacrifice for each other.
 
My_own_prison,
She said she wanted to fight for our marriage....My wife is a beautiful woman
Click to expand...
You have a lot going for you. Don't underestimate what a great man you are. It took a powerful man to withstand what you did.

In my own case, fighting for our marriage has been a big part of learning to see myself more clearly. I believe we are going to make it because my wife is a beautiful woman, and she and I together are fighting for our marriage.

Thanks,

Joe
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top