A (not so) Brief Introduction
I grew up on Long Island, New York. Because my mother had to work a full time job it was important to my family that I started school as young as they would take me. I began first grade at age 5 in 1959 and high school at 13 in 1967. Beginning in 1970, at age 16, until my graduation in 1971, at age 17, I was sexually abused by the moderator of an extracurricular club I belonged to at my private, all boys high school. He groomed me by encouraging my trust and was able to lure/trick me into a situation where he touched my genitals in an inappropriate way. He then used the threat of exposing what had happened to frighten and shame me into not revealing what he had done.
My abuser would require me to stay after school so he could have time with me after my classmates had gone home. He progressively escalated the abuse throughout the school year including taking Polaroid photographs of the degrading acts he was making me perform in order to reinforce my silence.
I endured this for my entire senior year, my only goal being to survive until graduation when my hostage-like ordeal would be over and I could pretend it never happened. Needless to say, my studies and college prep work were completely derailed during this critical time in my life.
After graduation I believed that I had finally escaped, and as long as I never looked back, I could begin my life again. But it became more and more difficult to apply myself to my college school work. I dropped out of college within months and proceeded to struggle for several years. I could not hold onto a job for more than a few months at a time. At 18, I enlisted in the US Air Force but received an Undesirable Discharge nine months later after three AWOLs and 30 days in the stockade. Nor could I maintain any friendships or romantic relationships during this time. After a few more years, I settled down enough to hold a job in an industry which ultimately became my career of the past 42 years.
In 1978, I got married. The pornography addiction I developed after high school interfered with intimacy in my marriage and with our efforts to conceive a child. In 1986 we adopted a baby girl from South America. I continued to struggle with compulsive spending, drugs and pornography during our marriage. We divorced when my daughter was only 5 years old (she is 30 today), seriously impacting her and my wife’s lives as well.
At this point I began my 12 Step Recovery. It was only then that the memory of my experiences nineteen years earlier first returned to me. Over the next ten years I moved six times, changed jobs three times, and was involved in several relationships. 12 Step meetings and therapy were the only consistent part of my life.
In 1999 I met my life partner, Maria, and in 2000 we moved in together. In 2001 I had a relapse with compulsive spending and hit a bottom with my drug use and addiction to pornography which threatened our relationship. I began treatment for my sex addiction, consisting of a two hour group therapy session every week and a biweekly individual therapy session. I have continued this program for 15 years. Thankfully, today, only because of the work I have done and the help I have received to recover from my traumatic time during adolescence, I am several years sober in all my programs. Maria and I are domestic partners and still together after nearly 18 years.
My life has been an agonizing ordeal of self-hatred, shame, disappointment and failure that has had seriously negative consequences for not only myself, but for my friends, employers, and loved ones. I have been dealing with the consequences of that trauma for 45 years and have paid a tremendous price in time, money and emotional work to get to where I can tell my story and know that the shame of those events does not belong to me anymore (nor ever did).
I found it hard to conceive of how this could ever be made right and I be made whole again. What happened to me could not be undone, nor could the life I might have had be given back to me and my family. I did know, however, that the individual that stole my life from me at 16 and the institutions that allowed this to occur, needed to take responsibility for it.
In the last few months I reached the point where I was ready and able to disclose (in writing), to my former school and the religious order that ran it, the sexual abuse I endured while I was a student there (45 years prior), and make the appropriate law enforcement entities aware of my abuser’s name and last known address.
From the moment it dawned on me that my letter had been delivered and read, I’ve experienced a flood of new energy and a clarity of purpose. It has helped me to become more involved and relatively outspoken on this issue. I consistently write letters to publications and politicians and comment on articles relevant to the issue of Child Sexual Abuse.
Although I still wonder why it had to be so painful and difficult to get to this point, I know that I have survived the worst and now I am thriving. My life today is abundant, fulfilling and I feel very fortunate.
My abuser would require me to stay after school so he could have time with me after my classmates had gone home. He progressively escalated the abuse throughout the school year including taking Polaroid photographs of the degrading acts he was making me perform in order to reinforce my silence.
I endured this for my entire senior year, my only goal being to survive until graduation when my hostage-like ordeal would be over and I could pretend it never happened. Needless to say, my studies and college prep work were completely derailed during this critical time in my life.
After graduation I believed that I had finally escaped, and as long as I never looked back, I could begin my life again. But it became more and more difficult to apply myself to my college school work. I dropped out of college within months and proceeded to struggle for several years. I could not hold onto a job for more than a few months at a time. At 18, I enlisted in the US Air Force but received an Undesirable Discharge nine months later after three AWOLs and 30 days in the stockade. Nor could I maintain any friendships or romantic relationships during this time. After a few more years, I settled down enough to hold a job in an industry which ultimately became my career of the past 42 years.
In 1978, I got married. The pornography addiction I developed after high school interfered with intimacy in my marriage and with our efforts to conceive a child. In 1986 we adopted a baby girl from South America. I continued to struggle with compulsive spending, drugs and pornography during our marriage. We divorced when my daughter was only 5 years old (she is 30 today), seriously impacting her and my wife’s lives as well.
At this point I began my 12 Step Recovery. It was only then that the memory of my experiences nineteen years earlier first returned to me. Over the next ten years I moved six times, changed jobs three times, and was involved in several relationships. 12 Step meetings and therapy were the only consistent part of my life.
In 1999 I met my life partner, Maria, and in 2000 we moved in together. In 2001 I had a relapse with compulsive spending and hit a bottom with my drug use and addiction to pornography which threatened our relationship. I began treatment for my sex addiction, consisting of a two hour group therapy session every week and a biweekly individual therapy session. I have continued this program for 15 years. Thankfully, today, only because of the work I have done and the help I have received to recover from my traumatic time during adolescence, I am several years sober in all my programs. Maria and I are domestic partners and still together after nearly 18 years.
My life has been an agonizing ordeal of self-hatred, shame, disappointment and failure that has had seriously negative consequences for not only myself, but for my friends, employers, and loved ones. I have been dealing with the consequences of that trauma for 45 years and have paid a tremendous price in time, money and emotional work to get to where I can tell my story and know that the shame of those events does not belong to me anymore (nor ever did).
I found it hard to conceive of how this could ever be made right and I be made whole again. What happened to me could not be undone, nor could the life I might have had be given back to me and my family. I did know, however, that the individual that stole my life from me at 16 and the institutions that allowed this to occur, needed to take responsibility for it.
In the last few months I reached the point where I was ready and able to disclose (in writing), to my former school and the religious order that ran it, the sexual abuse I endured while I was a student there (45 years prior), and make the appropriate law enforcement entities aware of my abuser’s name and last known address.
From the moment it dawned on me that my letter had been delivered and read, I’ve experienced a flood of new energy and a clarity of purpose. It has helped me to become more involved and relatively outspoken on this issue. I consistently write letters to publications and politicians and comment on articles relevant to the issue of Child Sexual Abuse.
Although I still wonder why it had to be so painful and difficult to get to this point, I know that I have survived the worst and now I am thriving. My life today is abundant, fulfilling and I feel very fortunate.
