A newbies story

A newbies story
T

tricky

Registrant
Hi Guys, I really don't know where to start.but I guess how I found this site would be a good begining. I came across an article titled "the last taboo" in the AUS version of Men's Health which led me to this site. The artilce was about sexual abuse of Aussie men and boys and it was a good read because I've been holding a secret for about 38 years.

I guess I should go back and explain a bit about my background here. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family. Yep I had the tripple whammy of physical,emotional and sexual abuse. My old man was a violent drunk and I was exposed to domestic violence ever since I can remember (mind u my childhood memories are very sketchy at that) I learnt to survive what was happening to me by withdrawing which eventually led me to become socially isolated and a loner. To compuond the physical and emotional abuse my old man dished out, my eldest brother started sexually abusing me when I was about 5 or 6 yrs of age (I don't know for how long it went on). He never once threatened me because it would always happen when I was asleep so I would continue to pretend to be asleep as he had his way with me. I was a screwed up kid because of what was happening to me I became suicidal at age 12 because I wanted out of the situation I was in. I had built up impenetrable walls around me to prevent anyone getting close to me from an early age because I had enough hurt going on inside me from my family and I couldn't cope with acquaintances or friends (which i tried to keep at a distance) contributing to that hurt.

My whole life I have never been able to form close bonds with other males because at one time or another the male friends I have had have betrayed the trust I placed in them. When I was 17 and close mate co-erced me into having sex with him. I began to think I had victim stamped across my forehead or that men saw me as being gay, but after discussing this with my psychologist I now know that he took advantage of the friendship and basically emotionally raped me because of my lack of self confidence and self esteem.

I find myself craving the mateship that comes with friendship. I've had a couple of failed hetro relationships which at the time I blamed myself for and after each one I was full of self doubt and loathing, it didn't help when I disclosed my abuse to a woman I was engaged to when she threw the knowledge back in my face and told me I was a poof. I loved her dearly and just wanted her to be aware of what she was getting herself into (however misguided I was) by telling her and she betrayed me in the worst possible way and I ended up doubting my sexuality. After the break up I was compelled to do things I'm not sure is "normal" for a survivor as I sought out men to have oral sex with and from time to time throughout my adult life I still find myself seeking out men (even though I am sexually dysfunctional).

I live my life in fear and anxiety with the constant thought in the back of my mind that I did something to perpetuate the abuse and I'm always struggling with my sexuality because of it.

I have been married for the last 13years to a wonderful woman who supports me despite living with a medicated depressive who can't fulfill her needs sexually because I fear the intimacy of sex.

Even though I have been in cognitive therapy for the last couple of years since my latest suicide attempt I still hold back with my therapist because I don't want her to judge me (itellectually I know she won't, but try to tell that to my inner critic) We are currently working on building my self esteem and trying to reduce my anxieties about male relationships as well as trust issues because I don't trust anyone. But I get so frustrated with myself because here I am a 44yo man who hasn't dealt with all the shit that I went through as a kid.

Geeze, I've rambled on but I've held so much inside me for so long I thought this site might just be the place where I can finally get some stuff out of my head.
 
I think perhaps you are further along than you think. Some things I can identify with:

- withdrawing which eventually led me to become socially isolated and a loner
- impenetrable walls
- men saw me as being gay
- close mate co-erced me into having sex with him

I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing your worst and best moments with a loved one. It was your responsibility to share and hers to understand. She didnt hold up her side.
 
Welcome Tricky. I'm glad that you've found this website on your path of recovery. None of us deserved what was done to us. Keep with us so we can learn together how to get to a better place.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality
 
Tricky,

I don't see anything in your post that guys here would consider out of the ordinary for someone who was a victim of abuse, sexual or otherwise. Many of us here have struggled with our sexual identity, even acted out or fantasized about acting out with other men. We've definitely lived our life in fear, anger, and experienced many, if not all, of the other things you've described.

What I'm saying here, or trying to, is that you've come to a place where what you have to say will be understood and listened to. This is a good place where you will find men who know what it's like to be all the things you described. Men who care about each other and support each other. This is a good place. I hope you feel free to share if and when you want to. You can work toward being in a better place while you're here. That's what we're doing. It is just so much better doing it in the company of others who understand.

Courage my Friend,

John
 
Welcome tricky

All I can say is: been there done that and what I didn't do was done to me. The story you tell is also mine. And I know from what I read, others would say the same.

Welcome to a place where we care for each other. Welcome to a place where personal struggles will be validated.

Hang in there

Darrel
 
Hi tricky.

It hurts reading about the betrayal in your post, betrayal from several sources. Thanks for sharing it though. Giving others a look at your experiences reminds them they are not alone in all this.
 
Write, write, write and continue reading. Thanks for sharing your story. I can only imagine that sharing your story will help. I have felt so free to share the darkest secrets adn uncertaintees with the guys here. They are all great, and so many of the understand me more than I could have imagined anyone would. The TRUST thing is normal. I continue to work on it. My job has me working with many people and sometimes I want to hide in my room (or office) adn just cry. The fear and mistrust is crazy at times, but it's there. It is much better than 2 years ago and get's better each day. Keep on healing and get your story told. We will listen and we will care.
 
Tricky,

I'm a fellow-rambler. Nice to meet you! :-)

I am no expert on being a survivor. In fact, I question my mortality each and every day.
I first stumbled-upon MS about two years ago, during my frantic search for fellow Men who had endured physical/emotional/sexual abuse.
I've only really participated in the past few days, but from the Posts/Replies that I have read over these many months, you will find a wonderful group of Men here.

I wish you all the best in your Healing Path, and hope that you will participate here in the future.

Whicker
 
Thanks for your replies guys, I still don't know what I'm doing here or what I hope to achieve by being here. Hopefully inner peace. I guess it's just nice to know that there is a place where survivors of sexual abuse can come and vent.

Tricky
 
Tricky,

I am so glad you found us bro. All those issues you talk about are problems you will see discussed here over and over again. You are not a failure or a freak or any of the other terrible things you fear. You are a survivor of sexual and other abuse who is trying to come to terms with a lot of difficulties.

You won't be judged here, because we are all here for the same reasons that you are. You are safe and you can be yourself, okay? Set your own pace, just be comfortable and let out what you can.

Saying the things you said above is the step that places you on the path to what you want my friend - peace.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi. I am new here. Is there anyone here in there forties that have turned to alcohol after they realized they did suffer abuse?
I would like to be able to relate to someone.
I feel hopeless sometimes and have not told anyone.
Frank
 
Frank, I am sure there is someone here that is more like you than you could ever imagine. I never turned to drugs and alcohol, ok not never but very briefly, but instead used seclusion and bliss.
 
Frank,

Alcohol was one of my main coping resources as a teenager, and then as a university student. I still have trouble with it now, if things really pile up on me. I don't think I am an alcoholic, but I do have to be careful. I would be happy to talk to you about this of you want. Just PM me.

Much love,
Larry
 
Tricky, Wow, did you ever find the right place! Where else could you write down all of the things you wrote and have everyone who reads it say "yep, I sure understand that. Mmm hmm, it happened to me just like that. I can sure relate to that. Got that one in spades." In other words, Tricky, you've found the flock. I've always realted this place to the ugly duckling story. There I was going through life thinking I was this ugly duckling person and that there was no one else like me anywhere else in the world, and then one day I found this place, and I was just like all these guys who were here and who were kind and caring and loving and seemed to genuinely care about me and....I was a swan!

These guys are swans, Tricky. There's not an ugly bone in their bodies. They are kind and gentle and honest and caring. Talk to us. Ramble. Get it all out. It's so important to be able just to say it all without fear that someone won't understand the things you're saying.

Thirty eight years is a long time, Tricky. You'd better get started with that rambling. You've got a lot of catching up to do....and we're ready to listen while you do it.

Bobby
 
Frank, Welcome to you, too. I see that Larry has made contact with you. That's a good thing. Anyway, welcome.

Bobby
 
I can't say I'm coping too well at the moment. I've had 2 sleepless and one very restless night's sleep over the last 3 days. I'm not at risk guys, I've just had "thought rush" as a friend calls it. I've been smoking like a bloody chimmney and drinking coffee like there's no tomorrow. (guess I should try to lay off both of them for a while)

I started this journey I've got to finish it however long it takes. I want to be able to feel anything other than anger, frustration or guilt. I feel guilty because I hate my parents for their phsyical and emotional abuse. My psycholgist once asked me why I still have contact with them considering I was tossed out at 16 because I couldn't pay board. I couldn't really answer her. We had a breakthrough at some stage that I am still trying to please them and want their recognition. I think more than anything I want their love although I'm sure I'll never get it because I'm positive they don't know how to love. But, what really gets me about my parents is that they will be demonstrative to my married sister's partners and my wife but they don't know how to show the same feelings to their own kids. As a result all of my siblings and myself struggle with being able to unconditionally love someone - none of us knows what it is

I don't know if I mentioned this before but I'm the youngest of 5 children, there's a very large gap of 13 yrs between my eldest sister and me (my brother, the rapist, is a couple of years younger than her).

Does anyone else feel like they are stuck in a time warp? Ever since I had total recall of what happened to me I can't seem to get out of that period of my life. Why did I have to have that bloody flashback? My life was going along ok before that, well maybe not but I was a bit happier before it all came crashing down around me - at least I had some emotions. It's weird you know, all I seem to remember is all the abuse. I've looked through old family albums to try to remember good times but I can't remember any of the times when we as a family seemed to be having fun.

My parents once asked me why I had no contact with my brother and wouldn't invite him to my wedding. He even called me to ask why. All I could say was that I don't know you so why would I have a stranger at my wedding. I hate HIM and if I had the chance I would like to punch the living shit out of him. I doubt I ever will get that chance because I have nothing to do with him and besides that would make me just as bad as him.

I'm getting tired as it's 9.32am here and I haven't slept as yet and writing this has been a bit emotionally draining. God I'm fucked up!! I can't seem to seperate the abuse I recieved from my parents from the rape of my brother. I guess they are both intertwined somehow. After reading through some of the other posts on here I'm stil not sure if I'm in the right place I kind of think I've dealt internally with being raped. But have I really? probably not because it still affects me as a man. I was impotent whe it happened and since my total recall I remain so. I feign away from sex I don't like my wife touching me and when she has I feel nothing. I've become so detached from my body it's like I have turned off my sexuality and I can't find the switch to turn it back on again. I've always been a master of dissociation that's how I got through the abuse. But how do you find yourself again ?

tricky
 
Tricky

Even though I have been in cognitive therapy for the last couple of years since my latest suicide attempt I still hold back with my therapist because I don't want her to judge me (itellectually I know she won't, but try to tell that to my inner critic)
Click to expand...
"been there, done that !"
But in the end I just said "f**k it, I have to tell it all from now on" and that's what I did, and for me it worked.

It's tempting to say that you had a lucky escape from your former fiancee.
I certainly think that you did the right thing in disclosing, and her reaction only showed her true colours.
But what does that sort of thing do to our self esteem and self worth? I leaves it in tatters is what it does, and then the survivor is left to pick up the pieces. It's a crap deal.

Take care
Dave
 
Thanks Dave,
I'm begining to think along those lines and although I can't verbalise some things to my counsellor because I find them embarrassing to talk about I have written them down and given my thoughts to her on paper and I have had positive results but i'm only scratching the surface and I hope by coming here I will feel comfortable to let it all out. I know eventually I am going to have to say it out loud - scary prospect but I know it's something I have to do to really heal

Thanks again for your words of wisdom one and all

tricky
 
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