a new chapter (sorry about the length!)
roadrunner
Registrant
Brothers,
As you know, last November I disclosed to my parents - and in fact to all of my family members who are in my safe circle. It was an amazing experience for me. Just nothing but support, understanding and love. There was nothing that was too much to ask, and they all really did their utmost to make me feel comfortable and safe.
Back then The Rock (my sister Cathie - Lady Rock here on the site) asked me did I want to go visit the grave of the abuser. My answer was an emphatic and panicky NO!!!! I thought I would never be able to do that, and even the thought sent waves of dread and shame through me: it was a visceral thing for me.
When I was there another thing that happened was that my mother asked me if I thought I could write out a letter confronting the abuser. I tried that several times, but I always got so angry and eventually my efforts to write just collapsed in tears and frustration. I felt I was still in his power.
What's happening now is that I am off to the States on the 16th and will be giving some lectures in Philadelphia on the 22nd. Before that I will be back for a visit with the family. The latest things happening with my brothers John, Darrel and Dwayne here, and also with Rik's day in court, got me thinking about whether I could dare to visit the perp's grave and if I did, what I would do and what I would gain.
I got a lot of ideas in the thread I started about "confronting dead perps", and to cut the tale short I will be going to the grave with my sister and mother, and my Dad if he things he can bear it, on the 18th. The Rock will scope the place ahead of time, and my parents will be having a session with my great "interim T" Sharon before I arrive back in the States.
When I am there I will read, or try to read, the following letter to the abuser. Being able to write this without anger, and feeling safe and secure in doing so, convinced me I can do this. I think it will help me. It convinces me that though I have a ton of work yet ahead of me, I am not afraid like I was before. He really does have no power over me now. My task isn't to fight against him anymore, but rather to clear up the wreckage he caused.
I also hope that in some small way it will help others here. In the letter I say I am doing this for me, for Little Larry, for my family, and for all my brothers on MS.
If you want me to add your name to the letter I will be happy to do so, and frankly, I will be grateful for the support. When I read the letter I will burn it there, and Cath has reserved the right for herself to grind the ashes into the grass. I see this as a kind of flame of hope and brotherhood, and when I see the ashes I hope I will see that that's all the power he has over me now - nothing.
I'm not saying I'm not afraid anymore - I am. But I am not afraid of him, and that makes all the difference.
I want to thank all of you who helped me clarify what I need to do. I really do appreciate it. A special word of thanks to Morning Star, whose ideas on making this a more positive experience really gave me a great sense of purpose.
Much love,
Larry
______________________________________________
The End and a Beginning
When I was a child I called you Mr., and when you hurt me you even made me ask for things that you wanted to do, and I had to call you Mr. All through my childhood and adulthood I still thought of you as Mr., even as I began to remember the terrible things you did to me.
Now, however, I will call you nothing. I know I will see your name on your headstone, but it will mean nothing to me. I used to fear you beyond imagining, then later I felt anger I never thought I had in me. But you know what? I dont fear you any longer, and I dont want to waste anger on you either. Both of those feelings take a lot of emotional energy, and you just arent worth it.
You may wonder why Im here. If you are so worthless why am I taking this time for you? The truth is that Im not taking a second for you. This is for me, to begin with. Its for the man I became despite what you did to me. You failed to turn me into another monster like yourself. I am not perfect, but no one is. I am a good and decent person, compassionate and caring, a good son, husband, father and friend, and a success in my career as a university professor. There were times I doubted all of that, largely thanks to you, but I am working past that now. Your sadistic cruelty messed me up, thats true, and more than you will ever know. But I am already a stronger and better man now than I would have been had you never entered my life. I care so much for the pain and hurt of others, and I feel I have a capacity for loving and healing that comes from knowing myself what it really means for a child or anyone to be catastrophically hurt and harmed.
I am here to tell you you lose. You controlled and manipulated me for years, but that was because I was a frightened and confused boy I thought I was alone and I was ashamed. But that little boy is all grown up, and here he is to tell you you are a spineless coward. Had you been alive today I would be at your door to tell you this. Never mind, I will tell you now. The point is I am here; you dont have power over me anymore.
Im also here for Little Larry, the boy you raped and abused, shamed and humiliated, over and over again for four years. He cried and trembled and begged you dont make me do this, but you always seemed to win. He was too afraid and ashamed, too confused; he trusted adults and you lied to him. He thought he was all alone and everything that was happening was his fault. He even thought he liked it, but again, all because you lied to him.
Maybe you thought all this made you powerful and strong. But it never did. There is no strength in an adult molesting an 11-year-old boy, no pride in vicious and disgusting lies, and no skill proven if a trusting confused child believes the lies. And guess what? Despite everything you did he got through he survived. There were times he wanted to die and even thought of taking his own life. But even though he had no tools or skills beyond those of a child, he used them to fight back as best he could. He was still a good kid and he did his best to cope. Now he lives on as the spirit of wonder, fun, and innocent curiosity in a grown man, and he needs to see that his struggle bore rich fruit. I am bringing him here so he too will see how powerless and worthless you are, how your evil could not suffocate the hope and courage of a terrified child.
I am also here for my family, and especially my Dad. I want you to know that all the sick things you loved to do werent nearly as terrible as the way you tried to come between me and my Dad. You knew that in order to keep things going you had to wreck my feelings for my Dad, who would have saved me in a second if he had had the slightest idea what was happening. You always had new lies about how I wasnt loved or wanted, and so many nights I wondered is this my last night before I get thrown out or sent to an orphanage like you said. I cried the tears of an unwanted and frightened boy because of you. Maybe you wonder why I am telling you this? Because here again you lost. I can see I never really believed what you were saying I was just confused and frightened, and what you were suggesting was so scary to a little boy. And guess who my best male friend is as an adult? My Dad.
Im also here for the rest of my family. When you hurt a child its like you are trying to drive a stake into the heart of his family. But you couldnt do that. I was always loved and wanted and cherished by my family, and nothing you could do to me made them abandon me. Today they are the ones around me helping me to recover from what you did. When I told them I had been abused not a one of them doubted me, not even for a second. They know what you did and they know who you are. Even more than me, they can see how totally you have lost.
I am also here as a spiritual and moral person who knows right from wrong. As a boy I wondered why God had abandoned me, and when I saw pictures of Jesus taking care of children I wondered why not me. But He didnt abandon me. When you were hurting me I used to convince myself that this wasnt really me this was happening to. I would go away to a corner of the ceiling and curl up there and refuse to look down at the horrors below me. I was safe there. And God was with me. God was also with me when I thought about suicide and how I would do it. He told me dont use the knife and dont step in front of the train. He was with me when I wondered how I would make it through the night or how I could live another day. He was also with me when I was going crazy on alcohol and drugs in my efforts to numb out and forget what you had done to me. He helped me to find my way. I am a good man today because He guided me, gave me hope and assured me that my life had a point to it and was worth living.
Today He gives me the strength I need to see that doing church work, like you did, doesnt make it the work of the church or make you a good person. I can see that your interest in the Scout troop was just as a place to feast: a place to watch boys having fun, get close to them, and eventually move in to hurt them. I have the strength to tell others what happened and to expose you as a pedophile who hurt lots of kids five at least that I know of, including your own son, and probably lots more. Your reputation as a wealthy and dignified community leader just fades away like smoke in the face of this terrible truth. Your life was a total waste since you dedicated it only to harm. I wonder if you ever felt that.
And I am here too for the many brothers I have around the world who suffered as I did but who are fighting back like I am to reclaim their lives. We can talk now and discover we arent alone. We stand together and give each other strength. All these guys have helped me so much, and in a way I am bringing them with me here today. Their support will give me strength, and perhaps what I am doing today will give them strength. I hope so. But that is up to us now, not you.
We dont just use this strength for our own healing. We tell the rest of the world about your kind and how you use tricks and lies to hurt innocent children. The world is listening. Predators like you are hunted now like the animals you are. They end up in jail, where criminals treat them like you treated us. They are shamed as you shamed us, but with on big difference: we were innocent, while they deserve their shame. Your photos are in public registers and people know if you live near them.
Finally, I am here to purify this holy place. This cemetery is sacred ground and a place where families can come to honor their loved ones and remember their lives. You had nothing worthy of honor in your life, and did you know, your son did not come to your funeral? After today I think I will be able to remember this wood, the old stone church we used to go to, and our Scout cabin on the hill with all the joy and warmth that a man should be able to feel about his youth. You simply wont be able to rob me of this anymore.
I know my work for recovery is not done, but now I look forward to it. I will get back the life I was meant to have and I can help others do the same. Fear of you will no longer hold me back, and I can do what I need to do knowing that I am a good man. I was never the dirty guilty boy you tried to convince me I was.
I dont know if I will be able to read through all the things I want to say to you here. But if I cannot do that it doesnt mean you win. It just means what you did is below disgust and shame. If I tremble it means that a good man doesnt like to be in the presence of evil; it means that a clean person feels out of place where there is filth.
What will I do now? I want you to know I didnt come here for what I fear and I dont live like that now. I am strong for myself and others. They are strong for me. Our bond is a bond of love, the way it should be between men of all ages. We care. You never did.
Why this paper? I bet you are curious. This paper is my testament of rejection to everything you did to me and tried to make me believe about myself. I reject what you did to my best friend; my tears for him are forever, but now they are tears of support and healing, not of shame. I reject what all of your kind does; I reject the terror and fear and shame my work is to cleanse the tears and help my brothers focus on the whole and decent truth that has always been ours.
I am finished now. This is the end of what I have to say. Maybe you will have noticed that I didnt need the rhetoric of rage to defeat you. I havent once cursed you or inveighed against you. I didnt need to do that. I can maintain my boundaries and serenity and still expose you easily for the human poison you are.
Now I will do the easiest thing of all. These pages contain my text and the names of all the brothers who are with me as I stand against you. They are guys who dont know me except as a survivor from what you did to me. Most I will never see in person. We have different ways of looking at life and we see recovery from childhood sexual abuse in diffrerent ways. But we are brothers against you and everything you stand for. I am searching for the flame that will burn this text over your grave.
This is important to me. It means I am genuinely finished with you. As the flames consume this paper they will symbolize the bond between me, my family, and all my brothers against you. They will set me free and show my brothers that they too can be free. All that will be left afterwards will be burnt ashes something that may serve to purify the ground polluted by your grave here.
I may come back here in the future, but not to this spot. I will appreciate the church, the Scout cabin and the wood, and I will feel peace in this hallowed place. But you will be nothing to me, just as your life was nothing. You will have no power to hurt me or my friends. We will exult in our childhood and how we have prevailed, and we will give no thought to how you wasted your life in evil and cruelty. We have made our choice, just as you made yours.
As you know, last November I disclosed to my parents - and in fact to all of my family members who are in my safe circle. It was an amazing experience for me. Just nothing but support, understanding and love. There was nothing that was too much to ask, and they all really did their utmost to make me feel comfortable and safe.
Back then The Rock (my sister Cathie - Lady Rock here on the site) asked me did I want to go visit the grave of the abuser. My answer was an emphatic and panicky NO!!!! I thought I would never be able to do that, and even the thought sent waves of dread and shame through me: it was a visceral thing for me.
When I was there another thing that happened was that my mother asked me if I thought I could write out a letter confronting the abuser. I tried that several times, but I always got so angry and eventually my efforts to write just collapsed in tears and frustration. I felt I was still in his power.
What's happening now is that I am off to the States on the 16th and will be giving some lectures in Philadelphia on the 22nd. Before that I will be back for a visit with the family. The latest things happening with my brothers John, Darrel and Dwayne here, and also with Rik's day in court, got me thinking about whether I could dare to visit the perp's grave and if I did, what I would do and what I would gain.
I got a lot of ideas in the thread I started about "confronting dead perps", and to cut the tale short I will be going to the grave with my sister and mother, and my Dad if he things he can bear it, on the 18th. The Rock will scope the place ahead of time, and my parents will be having a session with my great "interim T" Sharon before I arrive back in the States.
When I am there I will read, or try to read, the following letter to the abuser. Being able to write this without anger, and feeling safe and secure in doing so, convinced me I can do this. I think it will help me. It convinces me that though I have a ton of work yet ahead of me, I am not afraid like I was before. He really does have no power over me now. My task isn't to fight against him anymore, but rather to clear up the wreckage he caused.
I also hope that in some small way it will help others here. In the letter I say I am doing this for me, for Little Larry, for my family, and for all my brothers on MS.
If you want me to add your name to the letter I will be happy to do so, and frankly, I will be grateful for the support. When I read the letter I will burn it there, and Cath has reserved the right for herself to grind the ashes into the grass. I see this as a kind of flame of hope and brotherhood, and when I see the ashes I hope I will see that that's all the power he has over me now - nothing.
I'm not saying I'm not afraid anymore - I am. But I am not afraid of him, and that makes all the difference.
I want to thank all of you who helped me clarify what I need to do. I really do appreciate it. A special word of thanks to Morning Star, whose ideas on making this a more positive experience really gave me a great sense of purpose.
Much love,
Larry
______________________________________________
The End and a Beginning
When I was a child I called you Mr., and when you hurt me you even made me ask for things that you wanted to do, and I had to call you Mr. All through my childhood and adulthood I still thought of you as Mr., even as I began to remember the terrible things you did to me.
Now, however, I will call you nothing. I know I will see your name on your headstone, but it will mean nothing to me. I used to fear you beyond imagining, then later I felt anger I never thought I had in me. But you know what? I dont fear you any longer, and I dont want to waste anger on you either. Both of those feelings take a lot of emotional energy, and you just arent worth it.
You may wonder why Im here. If you are so worthless why am I taking this time for you? The truth is that Im not taking a second for you. This is for me, to begin with. Its for the man I became despite what you did to me. You failed to turn me into another monster like yourself. I am not perfect, but no one is. I am a good and decent person, compassionate and caring, a good son, husband, father and friend, and a success in my career as a university professor. There were times I doubted all of that, largely thanks to you, but I am working past that now. Your sadistic cruelty messed me up, thats true, and more than you will ever know. But I am already a stronger and better man now than I would have been had you never entered my life. I care so much for the pain and hurt of others, and I feel I have a capacity for loving and healing that comes from knowing myself what it really means for a child or anyone to be catastrophically hurt and harmed.
I am here to tell you you lose. You controlled and manipulated me for years, but that was because I was a frightened and confused boy I thought I was alone and I was ashamed. But that little boy is all grown up, and here he is to tell you you are a spineless coward. Had you been alive today I would be at your door to tell you this. Never mind, I will tell you now. The point is I am here; you dont have power over me anymore.
Im also here for Little Larry, the boy you raped and abused, shamed and humiliated, over and over again for four years. He cried and trembled and begged you dont make me do this, but you always seemed to win. He was too afraid and ashamed, too confused; he trusted adults and you lied to him. He thought he was all alone and everything that was happening was his fault. He even thought he liked it, but again, all because you lied to him.
Maybe you thought all this made you powerful and strong. But it never did. There is no strength in an adult molesting an 11-year-old boy, no pride in vicious and disgusting lies, and no skill proven if a trusting confused child believes the lies. And guess what? Despite everything you did he got through he survived. There were times he wanted to die and even thought of taking his own life. But even though he had no tools or skills beyond those of a child, he used them to fight back as best he could. He was still a good kid and he did his best to cope. Now he lives on as the spirit of wonder, fun, and innocent curiosity in a grown man, and he needs to see that his struggle bore rich fruit. I am bringing him here so he too will see how powerless and worthless you are, how your evil could not suffocate the hope and courage of a terrified child.
I am also here for my family, and especially my Dad. I want you to know that all the sick things you loved to do werent nearly as terrible as the way you tried to come between me and my Dad. You knew that in order to keep things going you had to wreck my feelings for my Dad, who would have saved me in a second if he had had the slightest idea what was happening. You always had new lies about how I wasnt loved or wanted, and so many nights I wondered is this my last night before I get thrown out or sent to an orphanage like you said. I cried the tears of an unwanted and frightened boy because of you. Maybe you wonder why I am telling you this? Because here again you lost. I can see I never really believed what you were saying I was just confused and frightened, and what you were suggesting was so scary to a little boy. And guess who my best male friend is as an adult? My Dad.
Im also here for the rest of my family. When you hurt a child its like you are trying to drive a stake into the heart of his family. But you couldnt do that. I was always loved and wanted and cherished by my family, and nothing you could do to me made them abandon me. Today they are the ones around me helping me to recover from what you did. When I told them I had been abused not a one of them doubted me, not even for a second. They know what you did and they know who you are. Even more than me, they can see how totally you have lost.
I am also here as a spiritual and moral person who knows right from wrong. As a boy I wondered why God had abandoned me, and when I saw pictures of Jesus taking care of children I wondered why not me. But He didnt abandon me. When you were hurting me I used to convince myself that this wasnt really me this was happening to. I would go away to a corner of the ceiling and curl up there and refuse to look down at the horrors below me. I was safe there. And God was with me. God was also with me when I thought about suicide and how I would do it. He told me dont use the knife and dont step in front of the train. He was with me when I wondered how I would make it through the night or how I could live another day. He was also with me when I was going crazy on alcohol and drugs in my efforts to numb out and forget what you had done to me. He helped me to find my way. I am a good man today because He guided me, gave me hope and assured me that my life had a point to it and was worth living.
Today He gives me the strength I need to see that doing church work, like you did, doesnt make it the work of the church or make you a good person. I can see that your interest in the Scout troop was just as a place to feast: a place to watch boys having fun, get close to them, and eventually move in to hurt them. I have the strength to tell others what happened and to expose you as a pedophile who hurt lots of kids five at least that I know of, including your own son, and probably lots more. Your reputation as a wealthy and dignified community leader just fades away like smoke in the face of this terrible truth. Your life was a total waste since you dedicated it only to harm. I wonder if you ever felt that.
And I am here too for the many brothers I have around the world who suffered as I did but who are fighting back like I am to reclaim their lives. We can talk now and discover we arent alone. We stand together and give each other strength. All these guys have helped me so much, and in a way I am bringing them with me here today. Their support will give me strength, and perhaps what I am doing today will give them strength. I hope so. But that is up to us now, not you.
We dont just use this strength for our own healing. We tell the rest of the world about your kind and how you use tricks and lies to hurt innocent children. The world is listening. Predators like you are hunted now like the animals you are. They end up in jail, where criminals treat them like you treated us. They are shamed as you shamed us, but with on big difference: we were innocent, while they deserve their shame. Your photos are in public registers and people know if you live near them.
Finally, I am here to purify this holy place. This cemetery is sacred ground and a place where families can come to honor their loved ones and remember their lives. You had nothing worthy of honor in your life, and did you know, your son did not come to your funeral? After today I think I will be able to remember this wood, the old stone church we used to go to, and our Scout cabin on the hill with all the joy and warmth that a man should be able to feel about his youth. You simply wont be able to rob me of this anymore.
I know my work for recovery is not done, but now I look forward to it. I will get back the life I was meant to have and I can help others do the same. Fear of you will no longer hold me back, and I can do what I need to do knowing that I am a good man. I was never the dirty guilty boy you tried to convince me I was.
I dont know if I will be able to read through all the things I want to say to you here. But if I cannot do that it doesnt mean you win. It just means what you did is below disgust and shame. If I tremble it means that a good man doesnt like to be in the presence of evil; it means that a clean person feels out of place where there is filth.
What will I do now? I want you to know I didnt come here for what I fear and I dont live like that now. I am strong for myself and others. They are strong for me. Our bond is a bond of love, the way it should be between men of all ages. We care. You never did.
Why this paper? I bet you are curious. This paper is my testament of rejection to everything you did to me and tried to make me believe about myself. I reject what you did to my best friend; my tears for him are forever, but now they are tears of support and healing, not of shame. I reject what all of your kind does; I reject the terror and fear and shame my work is to cleanse the tears and help my brothers focus on the whole and decent truth that has always been ours.
I am finished now. This is the end of what I have to say. Maybe you will have noticed that I didnt need the rhetoric of rage to defeat you. I havent once cursed you or inveighed against you. I didnt need to do that. I can maintain my boundaries and serenity and still expose you easily for the human poison you are.
Now I will do the easiest thing of all. These pages contain my text and the names of all the brothers who are with me as I stand against you. They are guys who dont know me except as a survivor from what you did to me. Most I will never see in person. We have different ways of looking at life and we see recovery from childhood sexual abuse in diffrerent ways. But we are brothers against you and everything you stand for. I am searching for the flame that will burn this text over your grave.
This is important to me. It means I am genuinely finished with you. As the flames consume this paper they will symbolize the bond between me, my family, and all my brothers against you. They will set me free and show my brothers that they too can be free. All that will be left afterwards will be burnt ashes something that may serve to purify the ground polluted by your grave here.
I may come back here in the future, but not to this spot. I will appreciate the church, the Scout cabin and the wood, and I will feel peace in this hallowed place. But you will be nothing to me, just as your life was nothing. You will have no power to hurt me or my friends. We will exult in our childhood and how we have prevailed, and we will give no thought to how you wasted your life in evil and cruelty. We have made our choice, just as you made yours.
