***Warning! Major Emotional Triggers***
Caro...
I must respond to you, even though I've had the clear message that I am to "hush." I guess that I am going to make up for all that I have wanted to say.. but I don't think many will read this anyway.
You said: "I feel it though this probably won't make sense for a lot of logical and down to earth people."
I fell in love with a very special man who I have felt is "beautiful, sweet and sensitive man he is inside," just as you say. I have never met him in real life and he stopped even communicating with me four years ago. I only "feel" him with my hair follicles and "read" him with my intuition. How "NUTS" is that? No one could ever consider me his "partner" in any way since he broke the "connection" between us nearly four years ago and has denied all of my requests to reconnect us since that time. For reasons which even I don't understand, I have been loyal and faithful to him... while he has denied that I even exist. Maybe I truly am "NUTS".... I had no idea there was such a connection between Love and Insanity .. but then I have never been in love before... And, I am a mature person not given to fantasies.
I have only ever seen his tail feathers ever since I fell in love with him because no matter what I do or don't do, he only runs away from me and hides in the shadows... never fully gone, but also never ever present. If I pursue, he gets nasty.. If I stop pursuing, he gets nastier. Go figure!
Unfortunately, what is in my heart is there to stay and it seems that I can't run away from it like he so easily runs away from me... but I can find myself suddenly grumpy and frustrated over the seeming impossibility of ever sharing any kind of truth and love and reality with him... which is all I have prayed for for a very long time..and also have put all of my efforts, and heart, and soul into trying to pursue and accomplish in partnership with him... with the only seeming result being that he has treated me like some kind of evil pariah out to get him. I'm about the best person anyone could be and being treated like I am some kind of evildoer is very hard on me when I have never earned such a title and refuse to own it. To say that I am frustrated is truly an understatement. To say that no matter how hard I jump up and down and scream and shake myself to try to shake him out of my heart but I still can't is also an understatement. I can't even fathom in my wildest dreams what it would be like to have someone love me so much... as much as I have loved him .. and still do... and have the loving person be the high quality that I am. Would I be willing to throw that away? Would I run away from that at all costs? I do have an answer to these questions.. My answer is that I was also an abused child and adult and I knew something was wrong ... I asked for a temporary, six month, run away timeout....but I knew that he was too important to me for me to run away forever. I knew that come Hell or high-water, I would find the reason why I felt I needed to run.. and I would turn around and run toward him.. NOT away. I asked for six months.. I didn't get it.. but I have gritted my teeth and faced my evil demons alone and I have vanquished them.... I am also grateful to him for the changes he brought to my life, whether he did it intentionally or it was some sidestream which I was struggling against to just keep my nose out of the water.. But, I DID keep my nose out of the water only because I loved him so much I was willing to swim oceans and climb mountains to be with him.. Love was driving me that hard.. Love which all my screaming and hollering and jumping up and down has not been shaken out nor dislodged from my heart.
I don't even know why I am here.. or even how I got here. I don't even know if he has suffered CSA or if I am just imagining all of this. Maybe it's only the Law of Synchronicity which brought me here to discover, confront, and recover from my own SA and other abuses beginning at age 9 and continuing to recent times. I don't know if he is here or if my reality has been reduced to all smoke and mirrors. I do know that his behavior seems to fit the profiles of both CSA and PTSD and that the PTSD is definitely from Viet Nam and could be compounded by CSA, as well. I don't even know why I am writing this... maybe it's only "automatic writing" straight out of my brain and my brain is pushing it out because it is intolerable just holding it in there with no vent for an outlet.. and none of this would make sense to any "logical and down to earth people".... and I would like to consider myself both very "logical" and very "down to earth."
Today was a landmark for me as I finally put the final touches on my own abuse issues with my father.. NOT SEXUAL but still abuse in very deep and negatively shaping ways.. ways which prevented me from being able to engage in a relationship with this man four years ago without asking for a timeout so I could try to figure out why I was so afraid and what I could do to overcome my mysterious fears. That "timeout" has taken more than four years.. and may have been half of the cost of the relationship. But, I will not take his half of the responsibility. I spoke the Truth and he just vanished... I pursued and I just sniffed the tail feathers of a disappearing eagle.. never getting close enough to even feel the downdrafts...
Well, I have lots of questions and no real answers accept the ones I found for me.. ABOUT me.. When I want Truth and Love, I can look inside and always find them. But, what I see outside of me seems to be very uncertain and confusing. What I do know for a fact is that when I check my heart, I see that ALL my fears of relationship are gone and I see that there is still this unconditional Love still rooted to the spot. Even I don't understand it.. but there it is... What does it mean? I don't know anymore.. I am just one half of a relationship which has never been reconnected... one partner of a partnership which has never been accepted. When I stand at the crossroads and see one path leading to Love and another leading to Regret, it seems pretty logical to me which one to take.. but then maybe there is some disparity between "sight" and "perception" which has me looking at a green horse and seeing it as green and him seeing it as purple.. or maybe I am just imagining all of this. I recall a movie years ago with Ingrid Bergman called "Gaslight" and there have been some times when I was pretty sure I was starring in it...
Just my two dollars worth so you don't think you are the only one living in the "Twilight Zone" ... I would say that there are at least two of us there... maybe more.. Who knows....
I've taken up praying to the "Great Spirit" but I'm not sure he listens to Jews.....
Just keep growing stronger as gaining seasoning and strength can be justification for almost anything.. And as a final note: Someone here recently said that abused children end up either being "victims, abusers, or protectors." I am proud to report that I am a "Protector."
Since he has not given me access to communicate authentically with him in over four years and he may or may not be here reading, I would like to pose this question to him.. just in case he is here:
You would say "good-bye" rather than pay the price of saying "hello," and you would opt for a fantasy relationship as a satisfactory alternative to the love of a good partner and two loving arms around you for a lifetime?
Really, I have to say that I can handle anything but the constant barrage of lies.. I just have reached a point of saturation with the lies and I am gaging on them and they make me want to run away. I wonder if anyone ever included in his bedtime reading the story called "The Boy Who Cried Wolf." I can handle any truth... but I can't tolerate the lies anymore.. even smelling them is turning my stomach. I need them to end.
Stated facts, no matter how bleak, I can cope with, but the elaborate stories intended to conceal him behind that "wall of silence" I just can't stand any longer. Are these continual messages from his abusers of the past saying that they still control him and he's not allowed to be himself.. not allowed to come out and be with me.. not allowed to grow up from a helpless boy to a self-determined man? I resent them still owning him. I want him to own himself... own himself free and clear. He is always so thinly diguised that I am never fooled but I am supposed to make believe that I am. I won't anymore! All lies are destructive but these blow out the last flickering embers of his life. I can't stand by helplessly just watching him yanked into Hell. Yet, when I tug on him to try to free him from them, he takes up arms with them against me.. and the side of Good loses and the side of Evil wins. It's not supposed to work that way. It does not compute with me. The result is that I am so emeshed in his lies with him that now I am lost in the tangled mess.. like being tangled in a massive black jungle in a scary dark forest at night. I can't do it anymore.. The emperor is decidedly naked in his "new clothes!" I have tugged and tugged and I cannot yank him away from his abusers.. not when he clings so devotedly to them and refuses to budge. Truth is the only way, but when I hold it up, it's like the Cross held up before the Vampire... if I can get the Vampire to stand still in the tiny space before the dawn as he is just entering his casket... If I could catch the abusers at that most vulnerable moment and hold up the "Cross" of Truth, maybe it would melt the Vampires and they would let him go... Maybe that's what I am trying to do now.. why I am even here.. the answer to my own question?
It seems to me that there is a time to decide what you want and need and then ask for them and make some kind of commitments. If a person has so little faith in their own commitments to themselves, how can they hope to have another human being commit their precious lives to them? Time for some real deep reality check and self truth. If a man will just dump a woman who loves him without even a simple word to try to hold onto her, then he is not really dumping her; he is dumping himself and his own bid for love and happiness in his life. I don't believe he is dumping me when he fails to commit, but that he has failed to commit to himself and he is really dumping his options for love and happiness and accepting without any fight at all.. a life of regret.
Darwin taught us about Mother Nature's laws of survival and self-preservation. The human sprit is hard-wired (imprinted) to survive at all costs. This is the same spirit which enables a child to survive CSA and, hopefully, to help the adult man to survive the aftermath... if he is willing to COMMIT to the battle for survival. Someone recently wrote in a post here in MS something about survival "not coming to him".... and I know I am paraphrasing that.
The Earth Mother needs to be always in balance and harmony with all living things and elements on the planet. If any of her creatures refuse to participate in this striving for balance by accommodating and adapting with all its might, then it fails to survive because nothing out of balance can exist in harmony with the Earth Mother. I have found my balance with the Earth Mother by MY COMMITTMENT to fight the hardest battle of my life and doing it with the full commitments of Truth and Love... Now I am hoping that he will COMMIT to that battle, too. Truth and Love fight on the side of Good and Lies and Distrust take up arms with Evil. I have tried to pull him out of Hell as I was pulling myself out.. but he has seemed rooted to the spot. If he cannot COMMIT to me, then he has NOT COMMITTED to himself to COMMIT to the battle for suvival. That's what his lies mean to me. It means to me that he does not want to COMMIT to himself to fight the battle because he fears he will fail.. so he won't make any COMMITMENTS to me. By wrapping himself in robes and masks of lies, he tells both of us that he refuses to COMMIT to the battle for survival... If he won't COMMIT to himself, can he really expect anyone else to commit to him? Maybe I speak too much TRUTH here, but my intentions are the best. I do it out of Unconditional Love because walking away from him is a very serious irretrievable move for me to consider here in the world of reality. But in the world of fantasy and lies, I guess to him it's like when an actor gets Killed on TV and they spray catsup on him.. and then you just see him in a lot more movies. Kids figure that they can shoot people all day long and it's just meaningless.. and then when someone shoots them, they are stunned by the reality of the pain they suddenly feel... Truth and Love are Prime Reality...
Time will tell......as it always does. He is NOT a "bird with a broken wing." I will not molly coddle him as if he were a helpless child. He is a MAN!!! Given the opportunity, I would love him and hold him and nurture him and emotionally support him so he could parent and mature ...and make healthy.. his own inner child. But he is an Eagle and Eagles love the freedom of the updrafts and they know the way to the rainbow.. It is natural for an Eagle to courageously turn its powerful face to the sunshine of Truth and Love and leap off the edge and simply do what Eagles do..... Fly >>>>>>>>>>>>>
Hopfully with me......
The Truth shall set your free... but maybe you will get pissed first.... So be it.. At least it is Truth and it is Freedom.... Freedom from abuse... even if that means freedom from "self" abuse.
He won't believe this now, but I truly love him with all my heart and soul.. enough to finally put all of the Truth on the table desperately hoping to save a relationship which is in the throws of death due to lies and severe neglect. I would be his "strong healing partner" if he just asked me... but he has never asked and when I offer, he just lies and runs away... Enough!
Judi
