A male survivor seeking advice

A male survivor seeking advice
Hello, again, friends.

Today is hell. I have not prevented the older kids from continuing to visit the woman who bore them. This weekend is their regular time over at the TH with her. It is also two full weeks since I have laid eyes on my youngest son.

When their mother called the phone company and disconnected the phone service here last month, I bought my daughter a cell phone. That turned out to be a very good purchase, because I was able to talk with the kids while they were over there. (Her mother refused to let my daughter call me one night before she had her own cell.)

Yesterday she forgot to take the cell phone with her. I have only been able to get through once to their mother's cell phone and she was not with the kids then. I want to make arrangements to take the phone to my daughter, but I don't want her mother making a big scene of keeping my son away from me. I've been over there several times in the last two weeks, and their mother or their grandmother always keeps my son away from the door when I get there.

This is killing me inside. This is far and away the longest time any of the kids ever went without seeing a parent. Even when she first left she dropped in to claim more items every few days, until I changed the locks.

The woman is sick. Her mother is as bad, if not worse. I want to scream. I know she's trying to get a reaction from me, and I am doing my best to follow the C's advice (and my lawyer's advice) so that I do not contribute to the kids' pain or give the bitch ammunition to use against me in court.

The best news I heard this week: The C told me she expects the court will order psych evals for both of us. I know my issues and I've been working hard and making progress for years. My soon to be ex-wife told me again last week at the courthouse that she "doesn't need counseling." Bring on those evaluations.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Joe, you are a daddy through and through. No matter where the kids are. :(
Dads have a lot of jobs, they have to be the ones who listen and keep the peace, but they are also the ones who step in and get tough. I know you can do both when the time is right.

SAR
 
Wow, I didn't realize how long I'd been away.

SAR, if this is stepping in and getting tough, I'm all for it. Next week we finally have a custody hearing which I hope will lead to a court order returning my youngest son home to me and his siblings. The hoops I have been jumping through to see him are crazy. I've gone by the TH when I knew his mother wasn't there. I've sat in the waiting room at his C's office waiting for the session to end. Today I waited at the bus stop (because his mother enrolled him to repeat last year's grade at a new school), and his grandmother almost yanked his arm out of the socket trying to pull him away from me.

Ya know, if that had been one of his mother's boyfriends I coulda made a day of it.

One week to go, and I pray that the court will do him justice.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Wow Joe! You are truly a remarkable father to care for your children the way you do. Should I ever have children of my own, I will be strong for them just like you are for yours. Your kind of devotion to your children is a true inspiration.

I believe you and your children will prevail!

MR
 
Thanks, friends. I believe that everyone who posts here would do as much or more for their own kids. The kind of people who become part of the community here are the kind of people who take action against child abuse.

I will know in less than a week if my son is coming home again. His siblings are visiting his mother this weekend, as they do every two weeks, because I won't make them pawns in her sick game.

This is tiring, because I have to be careful not to get so down that I can't be there for the two kids she didn't "choose." She used to say to the 5 year old, in front of his brother and sister, that he could come live with her and "be an only child."

To me, that's a form of abuse. And it has to stop.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Hello, my friends.

We were in court on Thursday. The children are to be reunited. My soon to be ex is ordered to bring my son here by 6:00 p.m. tonight, and all three children will be with me for the week. Then she'll pick them up next Sunday, and I'll bring them back home the following Sunday, etc. until the final divorce proceedings in October.

My son is coming home in the next half hour. Until today, I didn't believe the world was large enough to contain so much joy!

Thanks for all the support, prayers, messages, and everything. You people are the greatest.

Joe
 
Joe, Great News!!! Thanks for sharing, now there is even more joy in the world because I know we are all rejoicing with you :)
 
Joe,

Until today, I didn't believe the world was large enough to contain so much joy!
Click to expand...
What great news! I am so happy for you.

Larry
 
AWESOME!!

Let us know how your weekend went.

MR
 
YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Here's the latest.

After almost a week now of having all three kids back home, I'm heading to my 5 yo son's favorite water park tomorrow with him, my daughter, and her friend.

We went to Mass tonight, so the kids stayed up late. My boy fell asleep, half on my lap, watching "The Incredibles," and I carried him to bed a few minutes ago.

It's going to be hard seeing all three go with their mother tomorrow. The last time they were to go with her for a week, only two of them made it back home. I don't think she'd do that now, with the court order in place, but it will be hard for me to see them heading out Sunday night.

Thanks again for all the love, support, and prayers.

Joe
 
Joe

I have been away from the forum for a while now and just read your thread... it is quite a story and by the time I got to the end here it was feeling so familiar. My mother was a total whack job too. When she and my dad got divorced I was actually happy. When I spent time with my dad things felt normal, safe, fun, happy... etc

I just wanted to let you know that even though I didn't always let my dad see it, I thrived off his attetion and love for me... and it has been a memory I cherish to this day.

I hope all continues to go well.

W
 
Joe, any new news about your situation with the courts and custody of your children?

MR
 
Wow, what a heart warming story of courage. I only hope that I can be as strong as you are when I am a father (one day). As a survivor, I always worry how I will adequately protect my children. You are a great model.
 
Joe,

Yes, please update us if you can. As I recall there was to be some resolution in October.

I do hope all this is going well for you.

Take care,
Larry
 
I'm back.

We did not get divorced in October. We did not have all the appraisals (We own three houses) ready, and we had no agreement on custody. The lawyers wanted to avoid a court fight, or else my soon to be x wanted that.

The lawyers are trying to schedule a meeting for the four of us. I saw my kids' mother at my six year old's parent teacher conference today. She said the meeting is to dicuss the property division, and she told me what she wants (one property and cash). I don't know if that will work for me, but it's someplace to start. I just want to get through this and protect my kids.

I started a group therapy that's been helpful (entirely focused on the present, discussion of the past and/or any trauma is not allowed) and difficult (just because we don't discuss it there doesn't stop it from coming up inside). I'm real tired these days, but that'll pass, I suppose.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Good to hear from you Joe. I'm sure I speak for the majority here when I say our thoughts are with you.

MR
 
Joe,

I hope all this works out. It will be complicated and a mess, looks like, but try to take it one day at a time. You seem to be maintaining a good attitude, but sure, I can imagine it is very wearying.

Glad you're back,
Larry
 
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