A lot of anger

[Iantt]

First off, I have to say that what was done to my boyfriend makes me mad beyond belief. I never thought I could be so angry. I have to clean up the damn mess they left behind.

And he is so angry himself. And a lot of it seems directed at me. Because I find him crying and ask him what is going on and he just screams that I don't understand. It seems that all I do now is wrong. He just won't let me in.

I am stuffing down my own anger because I didnt do this to him. But it gets harder everyday. Tonight he has locked me out of the bedroom. I don't have any idea what to do.

Can you help me here?

Ian

 

[Aden]

Ian,

Sounds like a difficult situation. When the people around me are hurt and angry, I tend to take it personally. Even when I know that the anger is for someone else, I feel like it is directed toward me. Because many of us are very uncomfortable with expressing anger, when we do, it often comes out misdirected. So what happens is that he is misdirecting his anger and you are making yourself a willing target.

My first suggestion is that you encourage your boyfriend to get some counseling. If he already is, suggest that he discuss with his therapist appropriate ways to direct his anger. Secondly, you might want to consider some counseling for yourself on how to deal with that misdirected anger. Many of us are too sensitive to the emotions of other people and professional guidance can help sort it out.

Short of counseling, I suggest this: When the people we care about hurt and dont know how to handle it without hurting us in return, the best thing we can do is just back off. Leave him alone. Let him suffer on his own. That is a difficult, painful thing to do. When our loved ones suffer we naturally want to help. But sometime in their confusion they see our attempts to help as an intrusion into their private pain. They are embarrassed and feel vulnerable. Time to deal with the hurt in the privacy of their own soul is what they often need the most.

What he absolutely does not need is to be given the idea that he must heal on your schedule. The present difficulty in your relationship is something that is between the two of you to work out. You may have to make some hard decisions about that. But overcoming the pain of his abuse is something only he can do, and it must be in his own way at his own time. If you want to hang on to him, you will have to respect that limitation.

Take that with a grain of salt...

Aden

 

[Ivanhoe]

Ian and Aden, you guys could open a law office or something...pardon my attempt at humor.

I think that Aden has just about covered the subject, but I would add, and I'm sure you both would already be thinking about doing the same thing. I would let your boyfriend know that you are there for him and you hurt when he hurts. That you will do what it takes if he wants you there.
But like Aden says, it can be quite a ride and you might want to think about what you're in for.
I don't know how my wife has lasted this long with me.
God, good luck to you...and him.

David.

PS We're here for both of you.

 

[Caetel]

I can relate to that, I have gone through one of the worst situations ever, especially because it's a no win situation for me: being the accused and the target of his verbal violence and abuse but while being trapped because the guy I love is avoiding a face to face explanation.
I know he has a right to be angry but I shouldn't be the one to be called "a bitch" and be humiliated. I have gone through the last few days praying and meditating. My love has been transformed, I am pretty good at protecting myself now and I realized that healing IS happening. My love is hurting himself bad, he makes himself unhappy and is getting very good at proving the world he is just a bastard who does not deserve love. I am left in a place (my own heart) where I feel very lonely but at the same time peaceful because the intentions of my own love have been transformed from love to Love. This is a place where expectations are just inexistant ( believe pain comes from expectations). Thanks to my love one, I have been transformed in such a way that I can say today that my Love for him just IS whatever happens now.
I hope this can help you.

 

[SAR]

Ian,

How can we not be angry when we see someone we love this way?

I told my boyfriend a little while after he disclosed that I would never disrespect him or his decisons about how he handled his family-- but that if the day came that he ever disclosed to his mother about the abuse, I'd like ten minutes alone with her afterwards. I think I'm angrier at her than I am at his perps-- she didn't just open the door for the abuse, she opened all the windows too and set places for them at the table.

But that is ME and MY anger, and now I keep it from him-- not in a deceptive or withdrawing way, just I don't think he should have to help me carry it.

It's hard, but part of your healing is learning to separate your anger at them from any anger you feel toward him, for hurting you.

That will be a part of his healing, too, but maybe not for a while. Until then it is harder than a survivor probably wants to believe-- because underneath, he doesn't want to hurt you.

You've just got to have faith that when he's ready to let you in, he'll invite you in. And that years of living and loving together means more to him and you than whatever is happening to him today.

S