A long walk with me.
I have spent over 2 hours with my therapist today and I am emotionally drained beyond belief.I did not even imagine how hard this was going to be! The start of two-chair work or Gestalt therapy has not been an easy one. I sat across from my across from my 12 year old self and began to relive the entire abuse. How do you look Kieran straight in the eye and not dissolve into tears,rage and yes,self pity.There I was, a kid,wallowing in this pig sty of stuff that happened so long ago,but today was as clear as it was yesterday. God, I hated this and wanted the whole session to stop.We finally did when my therapist felt I was getting too upset and maybe take a break. You know,there is a boy over there who for many reasons,cannot come to terms yet with all those times of abuse,of not telling of shame,of guilt and an inability to forgive himself. We talked about me as a child just being in the wrong place at the wrong time when my abuser picked me as a victim. He has told me time and time again that I did nothing to initiate the abuse,and that my initial "OK" to responding to his touches were only the actions of a naive,trusting kid.That's fine,but my present self cannot come to terms with the ,I did nothing,I didn't tell,I must have liked it because I kept it my own "secret" between me and my abuser,the one who took a piece of my life away,my innocence and changed my life forever.Can I ever cross this line,and come to terms with this!! I have just taken a "long" walk and tried to let everything go again.I have to curl up with my wife and let her know my feelings,but with days like today I think I just started again on this never ending spiral. There must be a place for me to heal,I just want to find it.