A little thing called trust

[ForeverFighting]

Falling. And then standing again.
Trusting with the fear that you will hurt me again.
But you don't. You support and pain with me.
I'm more afraid.

I will trust more, expose more, feel more,
with the fear that you will hurt me again.
But you don't.
I'm more afraid.

You're the first one not to hurt me. But I'm flawed.
I'm damaged. I will make you hurt me by doing something,
some action, some word.
It's happened before.
The trust, then something I said, then the pain.

But was it something I said? Or was it an abuser with no regard for life?
Don't leave me. I'm flawed. That's the reason.
So damaged you must leave, for who would want such a damaged person?
And yet you are damaged.
So I trust.
I back away. I fear and hurt and crawl inside myself, hoping to disappear.

They didn't kill my soul. They killed the trust.
My obsession. Fear of falling. Fear of you abandoning me.
The first trust I've ever tasted. I know you'll leave.
I'm not allowed trust fulfilled.
Yet my addiction to that which has never been felt before pursues me.

I will trust again with the fear that, even though you've never hurt me, you will this time.
I'm more afraid. I'm more alone. I cannot endure this.
If only my trust had not been assassinated.
If only it could stand by me, strengthen me, and make me whole.
It has fallen. I must build it for the first time all over again.
I'm afraid.

 

[andrew76]

Foreverfighting,

Man does this ring so true to many of us here and just recently I am one dealing with this issue all over again and it sucks.I know what it's like to not be able to trust and deep down shove it deep down before next thing you know your stuck in a situation where you have to let yourself try even though it is very hard.

 

[Bobby]

I have no words, FF. I just wish I could make it all go away for you. I understand...boy do I understand. I think we all do. We just have to try to believe that if we just hang in there and keep working, it will get better. Doesn't make it any easier now though, does it? I'm so sorry, FF..so very sorry. Bobby

 

[reality2k4]

ForeverFighting,

I remember having a recurrint nightmare, it was about falling uncontrollably. The nightmare, was so graphic that I woke up in a terrified state.

This nightmare was not the primary nightmare but the second one to keep wide awake when it happened for fear of re-living it.

I also had a nightmare, where I was in a lift, and there was no control, over the behaviour of the lift, it was throwing me out of control through the outside of the building, or even through the roof, it was horrifying to say the least, I never got back to sleep after these nightmares.

They were terrifying, but many more were to follow, anybody else been through these?

I maybe try and explain the primary nightmare, which is hard to get into, but I will try,

ste