Tom E.
I am so sorry to read of your pain, the wish to relive childhood. I can tell you I was not abused by my parents, it was a priest. It robbed me of any childhood joy, always feeling outside the norm. My parents were good and I could not accept because I was damaged. I know it is far different than what you lived. I use to wish I could relive my childhood and be that happy-go-lucky kid. It was not meant to be. I also wish I could have lived in environment as I was unraveling that was full of love and free of abuse. I know that can never be. Today all I know is I need to live in the present and enjoy and be grateful for the wonderful people in my life. I stopped looking back because it cannot be changed.
Kevin
Tom E.
Time and healing bring the goodness to life. I never thought possible. Sometimes we live in environments that do not allow us to see the present and future. This view is often compounded by our own inability to look beyond our past which we let shape us. I NOW know as I unraveled without support, love and subjected to triggers I would never heal. For love, compassion is what a survivor needs. It took me 57 years to find those people who would pull, love and support me. I can tell you, my father asked me one time as I took him home from dialysis as he told his story. The story was coffee he had with men from my hometown. One man told of his son and his abuse at the church, two sons served as altar boys. Only after these boys suffered addictions and divorce did they divulge the secret of their pain--abuse by a priest. My father knew I was an altar boy at this time. He asked me if anything happened, I shrugged it off and he said to me if it did he was here for me. I was not ready. When my mother was dying, she was in assisted living, and lying nonresponsive an aid from prior came. When she met me she said you are Kevin, your mother worried and felt so bad what happened to me. I guess my father told her his thoughts of that day. I know they would have been there for me. I thought marriage and children would have brought the same. I learned we all have issues and suffer in our own way. The children have not acknowledged my abuse, despite knowing of the abuse. I witnessed abuse in their mother's family--which they deny and I will never forget it for I saw it. They deny spitting, locking a survivor, stalking of a survivor has devastating effects on a survivor. I know what I lived and my emotions during those times. Someone called the Diocese trying to protect the truth of what was done to me. So I learned people are people and truth is often denied to protect the truth of being perfect, ideal or like survivors to bury the pain. Denial once practiced to hide truth is difficult to change and influences how one sees abuse and themselves. I am a prime example, I denied or attempted to hide my abuse, look how it negatively impacted my life and the perception I held of myself. I think how it caused pain to me and others and the physical and psychological impacts from neurocardiogenic syncope, nightmares, flashbacks and so much more. I know there was abuse in my family, which I do not deny and never have. Honesty and believing in yourself will help you on your journey.
I am not perfect, I made many mistakes, I buried the abuse and suffered and others suffered because I could not face the abuse. At the same time I suffered because others could not face what they did. I forgive them, the abuser not so. Sadly, many think the being sorry is only from me and not them. I have forgiven myself for the abuse because it was not my fault. This was a tough journey, pain and hurt, denial, dissociation. I still struggle but I have true unconditional love in my life.
I wish you well, reach out anytime. Remember families are complicated.
Kevin