A letter to the one called mother.
-----Original Message-----
From: Vicki
Sent: Monday, October 03, 2005 11:50 AM
To: Rob
Subject: Hello
Hi, just a reminder to finish your email to me. Bobby I would like to know what is going on in your life - sometimes as your mother I would like to know. I talked to my sister and she said you called her back last night and you didn't call me back. Sometimes those kind of things hurt Bobby.
Will you ever let me be a part of your life again or will I always have to stay in the back ground? I cannot change what I did, but I do not have to pay for it for the rest of my life either. My counselor has helped me see that your healing process is out of my hands - that I should not make myself suffer any more over what you are going through. I have healed and am continuing to heal - you will to. It is up to you as to how long.
I am sorry if my words hurt you or upset you. Since I don't really get to talk to you much - this is the only way I can communicate to you.
I do love you,
Mom
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob
Sent: Monday, October 03, 2005 7:24 PM
To: Vicki
Subject: Re: Hello
Did she tell you what time I called her back? It was almost 11 pm. When my cousin and his family left I laid down for a nap and didn't set an alarm. I slept until around 10. Was too late to call then.
As far as paying for it. This price is not one that I set. I do not seek to punish you. Nothing that I do is out of meanness or spite, you taught me better than that. The cold hard truth of the matter is that I walk the fine line between love and hate for you. I can think of no other analogy for you to understand so let me ask you this, Would you ever willingly open up to and let my father back into your life? The one who raped you repeatedly and forced you to do such vile things with him? I do not intend to hurt you but that is the way it is. I realize that that situation was somewhat different. But the betrayal and the shame and the hurt are likely similar. What you did to me crushed and devastated me beyond anything I could ever imagine. Ever since then I have been a scared little boy who could not look anyone in the eye. One who was intimidated by everyone around them on one level or another, especially women. One who could not love anyone else the way they deserved because he didn't love himself. I learned from you that love's coin was sex and submission. This way of thinking cost me my marriage to a woman that I will always love. Do not talk to me of paying the price. I have paid it time and again for something that I had no control over. I did not deserve this but yet it is mine just the same.
Can I ever forgive you? That is a decision that I have to make every day, again and again and again. Some days I can, some I cannot.
Only in the last 2 years have I truly begun to heal. Still I am not half the man I want to be. What is 2 years compared to 15 years of torment? Some would say it is enough, others would say never enough. Who are they to know my heart. It will take as long as it takes, even if that time is until the end of my days. I only know that I will never stop fighting to become the man I want to be. The man I will be. I suppose the good news is that I am already twice the man I would have been had it never happened. It has made me strong in many ways. And I grow stronger...
So, now you know...... I don't know why I have tried to protect you from this except maybe that I dislike causing pain to the people that, at the end of the day, I love.
Don't push me mother, nothing good can come of it. Know that I am doing the best that I can and that, for the moment, I love you best when I don't have to face you. I will pray that God helps ease your pain as you read this.
Rob
From: Vicki
Sent: Monday, October 03, 2005 11:50 AM
To: Rob
Subject: Hello
Hi, just a reminder to finish your email to me. Bobby I would like to know what is going on in your life - sometimes as your mother I would like to know. I talked to my sister and she said you called her back last night and you didn't call me back. Sometimes those kind of things hurt Bobby.
Will you ever let me be a part of your life again or will I always have to stay in the back ground? I cannot change what I did, but I do not have to pay for it for the rest of my life either. My counselor has helped me see that your healing process is out of my hands - that I should not make myself suffer any more over what you are going through. I have healed and am continuing to heal - you will to. It is up to you as to how long.
I am sorry if my words hurt you or upset you. Since I don't really get to talk to you much - this is the only way I can communicate to you.
I do love you,
Mom
-----Original Message-----
From: Rob
Sent: Monday, October 03, 2005 7:24 PM
To: Vicki
Subject: Re: Hello
Did she tell you what time I called her back? It was almost 11 pm. When my cousin and his family left I laid down for a nap and didn't set an alarm. I slept until around 10. Was too late to call then.
As far as paying for it. This price is not one that I set. I do not seek to punish you. Nothing that I do is out of meanness or spite, you taught me better than that. The cold hard truth of the matter is that I walk the fine line between love and hate for you. I can think of no other analogy for you to understand so let me ask you this, Would you ever willingly open up to and let my father back into your life? The one who raped you repeatedly and forced you to do such vile things with him? I do not intend to hurt you but that is the way it is. I realize that that situation was somewhat different. But the betrayal and the shame and the hurt are likely similar. What you did to me crushed and devastated me beyond anything I could ever imagine. Ever since then I have been a scared little boy who could not look anyone in the eye. One who was intimidated by everyone around them on one level or another, especially women. One who could not love anyone else the way they deserved because he didn't love himself. I learned from you that love's coin was sex and submission. This way of thinking cost me my marriage to a woman that I will always love. Do not talk to me of paying the price. I have paid it time and again for something that I had no control over. I did not deserve this but yet it is mine just the same.
Can I ever forgive you? That is a decision that I have to make every day, again and again and again. Some days I can, some I cannot.
Only in the last 2 years have I truly begun to heal. Still I am not half the man I want to be. What is 2 years compared to 15 years of torment? Some would say it is enough, others would say never enough. Who are they to know my heart. It will take as long as it takes, even if that time is until the end of my days. I only know that I will never stop fighting to become the man I want to be. The man I will be. I suppose the good news is that I am already twice the man I would have been had it never happened. It has made me strong in many ways. And I grow stronger...
So, now you know...... I don't know why I have tried to protect you from this except maybe that I dislike causing pain to the people that, at the end of the day, I love.
Don't push me mother, nothing good can come of it. Know that I am doing the best that I can and that, for the moment, I love you best when I don't have to face you. I will pray that God helps ease your pain as you read this.
Rob