A letter to someone

A letter to someone
T

titan

Registrant
You have no idea what you mean to me. You say you do, but i doubt it sometimes. Before I had you in my life, I had nothing but anger, shame, confusion in my life with nothing to look forward to, cept for the day when I die and all the memories stop haunting me. Your love brought me a glimmer of hope, and for the first time since I was 10, I remembered what its like to be happy.

You were patient with me when I didn't want sex in the beginning, though I could tell you were getting more and more frustrated as months went by...... I saw the pain in your eyes as you believed that my not wanting sex was because I was not physically attracted to you. I told myself I would have to give in, thats the only way i knew to get rif of those doubtbs in your head.

It was hard. I gritted my teeth, many times almost wanting to push you away and just run away. It reminded me too much of what happened to me.But my love for you had me enduring it all the way till it was done. You seem really happy, and i had to force myself to smile, not wanting you to think I didn;t enjoy it.

Things seem to go well for a while.You always wanted to fool around and was puzzled by my less than enthusiatic " performance " All I could say was that I was just tired.

That fateful night I woke up in the middle of night, finding you inside me. I panicked when i realised my hands were tied to the bed post. I begged you to stop, but wasn't sure you heard me as I wasn't able to make myself clear. My mind was overwhelmed with images upon images of what those men did to me, and it felt like I was back when it happened. When you finishes, you untied me, and told me I was great. You were shocked when you hugged me and I started crying like a baby, shivering non-stop. You seem really scared and kept asking me what was wrong, if you had cause me pain unknowingly.

And I told you.....

about how my stepdad raped me when I was 11.
about that time when he brought 2 friends back, how he held me down when I tried to run, and how he cheered them on while they took turns to fuck me. about how he later tied my hands to the bed post and had his turn while his friends watched. about how it was like hell those 4 days for me, being tied to the bedpost, about they had fun with me anytime they wanted. about how he threatened me to keep it our little secret and not tell mom who would be returning from her trip. I was only 14 then.... I told you how he would have his way with me whenever he has the chance, and that it didn't stop till I was 15, when my mom divorced him. I told you of how I seek help and counselling from Pastor **** when I was 17, after being in church and knowing him for 3 years, when I felt I could finally trust him. I told you how he would have me go to his house to spent the night there, where he would spend time talking to me, being like a dad and making me feel safe for the 1st time since it happened. I told you of how he touch me one night when I was asleep in his bed. How he was whispering sweet nothings as he entered me. How he reprimanded me when he's done, saying that I was too weak and that he could see I enjoyed it. About how it happened everyweek after that. That he says that he needed to do it till i learned to hate it, and that proof would be if I didn't cum when he fucked me. But he always made sure I ejacuate before he does.

I told you of how when I couldn't endured it anymore, I left church, swearing never to trust anyone again. How I buried everything deep down inside and tried to be as normal as other normal people. I told you everything that night and was touched deep in my heart as I realised you were weeping for me. You hugged me real tight and rocked me like a baby, telling me that everything would be all right and you'll protect me from now on. I fell asleep in your arms that night, feeling safe again......

We never talk about it again.
Life went on and things went back to normal, You tolerated my sudden mood swings at times, understanding when I didn't want sex sometimes.

But your frustrations is starting to show lately. I know you are sick of how i could be hot one day, and cold the other. You woke me up one night, saying I was thrashing and mumbling in my sleep. I had one of those nightmares again. I needed to talk, but you look uncomfortable and told me I should not talk about it, that I should just forget it all ever happen and gets on with life. You then walked out of the room and slept on the couch that night, leaving me alone in the room, unable to sleep, feeling that i've done something wrong...

I know you'll never get to read this letter. I know how you disapprove of me talking about what happened, visiting sites like these, believing that they do me more harm than good, as they prevent me from....forgetting? So I have stayed away, and started keeping things to myself again, believing that if I try hard enough, maybe i'll forget..

I just want to say sorry to you...... to say sorry for all those things that happen... to say sorry that you found out that you were not the first man to have me...... to say sorry that i'm a unclean person.... to say sorry that you have to bear my burden....
 
TITAN,
Your post tore me up bad man - but I want you to know you are not alone. I have trouble posting to the board these days, every time I type a message, I feel overwhelmed by the insignificance of my story next to others.

I wish there was some way to help end the pain for adults living with this. I am fighting to do my part.

Be strong, Titan. You are a noble person.

John
 
Hello, Titan,

I am hoping most strongly that you are already working with a therapist. If not, I would urge you to start working with one as soon as possible.

Sexual abuse cuts across all areas of our lives. The harm it does to men like us who have been abused is made even worse because most of us feel that we must keep it to ourselves.

Sharing with understanding individuals is a first step in freedom from the isolation and horror of living alone with what was done to us.

The next step must be to work with a competent, trained therapist experienced in sexual abuse cases.

Our partners and family may want to help. We may wish to simply forget. Unfortunately, experience shows time and again that neither of these options if often successful.

The good news is that with professional help, hard work and time it is possible to recover from the effects of the sexaul abuse.

I think that being in a relationship with a man who would tie you up to have sex with you is not the place you need to be.

It is not your fault that you are not prepared for that type of relationship. Please quit blaming yourself and apologizing.

My experience is that I must put my recovery from sexual abuse FIRST--the relationships that are good for me will then be available to me.

Talk to a counselor or therapist about this situation.

Come back here and let us know how you are doing.

Pleae focus on yourself and your recovery. You are important and deserve love and support.

It is here for you at all times.

Take good care of yourself.

Sincerely,
 
Titan,
I think that you need to talk much more with your boyfriend. He needs to know more how are you feeling about him and about yourself.
Certainly he would need to adjust a little bit to you but that shouldn't be big deal if he really cares for you.

I think that your boyfriend is actually the very FIRST person that truly loves and have you. That is really something very special.

Show him what that love means to you.

Do not be ashamed of your problems. They are very complex; it is not possible to forget and pretend like nothing happened. Talk with him about it.
Also ask him about his problems (he must have them) and try to help him with dealing with them.
Understanding and support of each other is natural part of deep love.

And please, please, try to not think about yourself on such negative way. I know that they tried to take everything from you and that is sometimes causing big confusion, but you are beautiful human being that deserve respect, love and a lot of happiness in life.

I wish you the best,
Ivo
 
Titan,

You've already heard some great words of support from John, Danny and Ivo. I just wanted to add my support and encouragement as well.
Your story brought me back to my own lonliness while I was being abused and trying to look normal in a world so confusing I almost took my own life.
I can't tell you how much that this site has meant to me in that it has brought such support and led me to therapy that's helpful.
I hope that you'll find a therapist that you'll feel comfortable enough with to discuss this pain and sorrow.
You are a good man, you are a brave man for sharing your story and with time and help you will survive this. If you want proof, just look in the mirror and see the kid who's brought you this far. Welcome home, we're glad you're here, you are not alone any longer.

David
 
Danny

No i'm not seeing any therapist right now, I don't think theres any where I am who deals with....such things. And even if there is, I doubt i'll be able to pluck up enough courage to approach one.

Regarding my boyfriend tying me up, its really not his fault. He has talk about that, a fetish thing really, and I believe I did not discouraged him, cause I'm usually a very light sleeper and would have been able to stop him from trying. I don't know why I slept through hsi tying me up, and wasn't sure why i responded in that way. I believe he truely loves me, its just that he doesn't know how to help me work through those issues.

He doesn't unnderstand that all I need is someone to listen...... someone to believe me.....someone to not judge me. Maybe I'm asking for too much, heck I don't know how to deal with what happened myself, what would he know right?
 
Dear Titan,

Thank you for accepting my input with such graciousness. It is truly meant in the spirit of lending assistance to a fellow survivor and I am glad that you see it that way.

May I suggest that you send a private message to Ken Singer, one of our moderators? He is a therapist and may be able to help you find some professional help that will be accessible to you.

Personally I know that for many, many years I deliberately minimized the damage done to me by the abuse. I allowed further abuse to occur by my lovers and tricks and boyfriends and strangers because I never allowed the seriousness of how hurt I had been into my conciousness.

We live in a world where feelings, spiritual and emotional development and other difficult matters are totally minimized. After all, "Things go better with Coke!" right?

Most of us are taught and encouraged to ignore our hurt and pretend. It is no one's fault really--but that doesn't mean it is good or must be accepted.

I think that for me to begin to recover, I had to move (psychologically at least) outside of that pervasive 'oh that's no big deal' mentality and begin to develop some real compassion for myself.

I would urge you to do the same. Feel the hurt and confusion of the past with the eyes and heart of an adult. Show love, compassion and tenderness to yourself, to that young boy you once were.

When I began to develop love and compassion for myself, I also began to outgrow the need to have boyfriends who 'didn't understand' or strangers who didn't care be a part of my life.

I didn't have to push abusive or unsympathetic people away from me. After some time healing and growing past the limitations of the effects of the abuse, it simply began to happen.

And I liked it. I liked feeling good about myself. And I acted like I knew I deserved better.

If after you do some healing from the abuse, you still want a lover to tie you up and have sex with you without your knowledge, then I would say that is your choice.

But at the stage you are at now, your boyfriends actions strike me as callous and indifferent.

And your reaction to it seems to be one of someone who doesn't feel like he deserves any better.

I hope that my remarks are not too direct, and certainly hope that are not hurtful to you. You have been hurt enough.

I do hope they will encourage you to write to Ken and see about some professional help. And I also hope you will be encouraged to begin treating yourself with kindness and tenderness.

I truly appreciate you coming here and sharing this with us. It helps me so much to hear the stories of other survivors. I am always amazed at how strong we really are.

You are a testament to that strength.

Thanks for sharing it with us.

Regards,
 
Danny

Thanks danny. I don't mind you being direct and all, I know you're trying to help. Just being able to talk about things makes me feel better.

When my boyfriend tied me up, he didn't know about what happened. It was after that when I told him about it. He did it coz he thought it was a fun and kinky thing, not because he's insensitive or anything. He's never done anything like that since.

I'm not as courageous or noble as you says I am. I'm just a guy whos trying hard to make sense of why things happened.
 
Wow, I have visited this site for only a short time, and therefore I have read but a few of the posts on here. Today I read Titan's "letter" and so much emotion came crashing down upon me. I sat at my computer trying to fight the tears that filled my eyes and soul.

Titan, I do hope you take the suggestions from all those caring survivors who sympathize with you and your situation. I was molested at the age of 5 to maybe 10 or so. Besides the physical abuse I endured I was constantly told I was a faggot, queer and that I would grow up wanting strictly only men. I was repeatedly drilled and brainwashed that I was here to only service men and I had no say in the matter, I was always reminded I would be a nobody. In fact, when I began to divert my studies toward medicine, contemplating becoming a physician, perhaps a therapist, I was mocked on and laughed at and told it would never happen. I was constantly told I was dirt and nothing was worthy of me. Well, when this is hammered into you from a young age it really manifested into a self fulfilling prophecy. To make matters worse, my pops would get angry with me for misbehaving and call me a faggot, then he would tell me (in the room with other siblings and/or friends)"you would cry if someone looked at you cross eyed." I never really understood the meaning of this but I knew he was putting me down and it made me feel worthless and even angry at times. As I grew older I lashed back with nasty remarks that were not respectful for a son to say to his father, I realize that now. On the other hand pops had no rite to belittle me as he did.

Growing up I always believed I was worthless and that I would amount to nothing. I didn't seem to mind the fact I would grow up loving only men until I hit puberty and the realization of what that meant hit home. I recall asking my molester then why do other people, who are couples like our parents love a man and a woman? He told me I was different, but that was OK to be different. The molestation ended when he moved away. He returned to the area when I was about 14 and even moved into our house for a few months until he got settled and "his feet on the ground." He didn't try anything sexually on me but made sure I was repeatedly punished for things I never did. He controlled my every move. My mom believed him and was adamant that I pay him respect and apologize for whatever story he concocted. He would give me this ugly laugh and then remind me that all I was and will be is a fagot who was worth nothing. He told me it wasn't worth my living. At one time a "BB" gun was shot and nearly missed my head by mere inches. The shot shattered our neighbor's car that was by my side when this incident happened. Later on I would come to learn through a friend of a friend that it was my molester who made this shot. He wanted me dead and out of the way! When he finally moved out of our house he jokingly told my mother that perhaps there were times when he stretched the truth, and that I didn't do half the things he alleged I did. My mom apologized...the damage had been done! Thankfully I delved into work, and worked as many hours allowed and then some. My escape was work! I worked at a restaurant, in the kitchen washing dishes. I realized I really enjoyed watching the cook create his wonderful meals and began studying what he did. He showed me a lot of different tricks in the restaurant industry. This ignited a passion within that I would be a chef one day and I would amount to be someone. My dreams of being involved in the medical field diminished as I grew older for I developed anorexia and missed out on a lot of schooling. When I attempted to setup my classes for college prep my guidance counselor advised me to rethink this decision for it didnt appear that I would be able to carry through on anything in the medical field. She claimed I missed too much school due to ulcers, which really was anorexia nervosa. (The food thing was my way of controlling my life, which I always felt was worthless. ) She then handed me over to the head of the guidance department. This guy would end up making advances toward me, telling me atory of how a hitch hiker he picked up wanted to give him a blow job. Proceeding cautiously he told me he had to turn him down and then asked me what I thought? Did he make the right decision or did he offend the guy. Sitting there I didnt know how to respond. I became a nervous wreck fumbling my books. He then commented that I had let my hair grow longer and that he applauded my trying out new things. He asked me what else did I want to try that I may have or have not tried? Believe it or not I still questioned myself, and whether I misunderstood this guys advances. We had several meetings in which the door was closed and we engaged in really strange conversations. I refrained from telling my mother for she would have ventured into the office and probably hit the guy. The last thing I needed was a confrontation! So I kept quiet And I believe this was a sign to him that I wanted more.

I know that I grew up believing in my heart that I was worth nothing more than to be a toy for men to use. Again, I lived out this self fulfilling prophecy by engaging in sexual encounters at Adult Bookstores. I would only do the performing and never wanted anyone to touch me. This reverts back to the molestation for the molester would have me doing the performing. When I asked him once if he could do the same to me he looked at me with such utter disgust and said I'm not queer! As a child I was devastated and it was at this point I started putting things together. I realized that what he was doing was wrong. I recall going to my mother who had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room and wanting her to wake up so I could tell her why I was sobbing. She slept as I cried. I pulled myself together. I went back to bed and didn't try to utter another word on the matter. My pops would always look at me with disdain. When I became an adult and tried to reveal what had happened my father didn't want to hear of it. He had such disgust for me that the following week the molester came for a visit and pops hugged , joked and conversed with him, totally casting me aside as if I was "worthless and a liar.

Years later my dad and I made our peace and I learned to love him despite his imperfections. We all make mistakes, I only hope within himself that he could have acknowledged the mistakes he made along the way. He would never admit anything of the kind to any of his children. He wasnt a bad man by far; he worked hard to support a huge family and that was his way of saying I love you. He had his own hang-ups on homosexuality that he really needed help with!

I believe all of those survivors here and elsewhere are really brave and strong human beings! Wow, how strong we must have been in order to survive what we have. It is through such posts as the ones posted here that we learn of our strengths and convictions, and believe that we have overcome a lot of adversities! It is knowing that we share in our experiences that helps us to be centered. I thought I had dealt with this issue years ago but realize I have continued to hide my true feelings.

Thank you everyone for sharing your life experiences. In reading about other survivors has only helped me to realize I am not alone in this struggle. Who I am and what my true sexuality is I yet to answer. Am I gay? Could I be straight and have never allowed myself to experience such? Questions, questions, and more questions, all of which I dont have the answers for, and yet I believe in time I will. The only difference is that I now can say its alright to be whoever I turn out to be! There is no shame either way. Saying is one thing, believing in your heart and soul is another. One step at a time I guess. What I do know is by reading the stories others share I truly realize I am NOT ALONE. I have been amazed at the similarities in thoughts and feelings! It is in reading this that made me realize and believe I can make it and put this nightmare behind me once and for all! Im sure at various times there will be something that will make me look back and wonder why? What is important is that I can then move on and realize that was my past; today and tomorrow is my future!

I will continue to be a participant here because I believe it may help someone else! It is in sharing with each other that I have really been able to start to feel comfortable with who I may be. Perhaps there will come a day when I can be sure of just that but for now I am satisfied with taking small baby steps toward the future. I hope I can be as inspiring to others as they have inspired me!

Keep writing your thoughts and feelings, it is a therapeutic way of dealing with such trauma.

Take care and stay strong!
 
titan,dude!please,dont say your sorry !!you have nothing to be sorry about ,should you be sorry for being human and having feelings? . .i see so many of us constantly saying we are sorry for things that are not our fault .its just one of the things abuse does to us makes us great blame takers. adam
 
Titan,

So many others have commented on other important points. I just want to put in a word on this one:

So I have stayed away, and started keeping things to myself again, believing that if I try hard enough, maybe i'll forget..
Click to expand...
Unfortunately we don't get to forget; we go into denial and then it comes surging back years later, having wrecked so much of our lives in the meantime.

What we get is peace. We get to live our lives with all the joy and fulfillment that should be ours. We get to deny the old memories any ability to further harm us.

All that takes a lot of work, and for a good start on that this is a great place.

Much love,
Larry
 
Adam,you are absolutely correct, in general /I believe those who have been victimized tend to make apologizes even when there is no call for it. We tend to take the blame internally and externally always thinking we are at fault for anything that goes wrong.

Larry,
You are so profoundly correct! Surviving abuse is a long road that must originally take you back to the beginning to that awful tragedy that afflicted us all. Once we learn to face this daemon head on the first step toward the future has begun! So has the hard part working through the horrible memories we fought so hard to forget. As you stated; Unfortunately we don't get to forget; we go into denial and then it comes surging back years later, having wrecked so much of our lives in the meantime.
With all our courageous efforts to fight and rid ourselves of the feeling of worthlessness, dirt and that we are beyond help the memories must be recalled and dealt with. It is only then that the first step forward begins.

Personally speaking, in dealing with the years of abuse I thought once I verbalized what had transpired my world would be better, the nightmares would stop, well this was not the case. The first person I confided in was my mom. This was too overwhelming for her to keep to herself, as promised. She felt by sharing my years of abuse with family that I would get over the tragedy and be done with it. My moms first reaction was, You dont have any feelings toward men do you? Her tone had such fear in it I replied immediately with Absolutely Not! when indeed I did have such feelings, strong feelings at that. The one stipulation I asked of her was that she could never divulge this information to my father. I already had a bad relationship with him and he always would call me a faggot or a queer whenever I got out of hand. Well, I should have considered this more for it was really too much to ask her to keep to herself. What I didnt expect was that she would turn around and use this secret as a weapon against me. I was almost 18 and I dealt with the nightmares and the reality I loved men by lashing out with my mouth, I could be very disrespectful at times, which was wrong. On the other hand what my mom did was really very harmful to me mentally. By using this secret as a weapon to keep me in control she infused the anger I had deep within. Well, there came a day when I called her on her bluff to tell my father the secret, and she did. It took a very long time after that for me to forgive her for having used my abuse against me.

After the secret was told I thought I would get the respect from my dad that I deserved. The opposite was true. Pops did not believe what I said was true. His way of dealing with this was to dote over the molester when we got together at a family reunion a week or so later. Pops laughed and played sports with the molester and totally ignored me. This blew me away. I felt dirtier then ever, and so worthless I sought suicide as an answer. I dealt with my pain with anorexia and bulimia, after this I really forged ahead allowing food to be my whole world. I would exercise and loose weight to the point it was a very serious issue. In the meantime, I found myself shriveling up into that little boy who wanted so badly to have someone rescue me. Fear conquered my every being!

I freaked out and allowed my illness to manifest into something physically dangerous. I never tld anyone about this for it was my secret to keep, and I controlled it! I continued to work at a local pizzeria/restaurant and became very good friends with the owner and his wife. This was a very crucial time of my life, so I shut down regarding any thing to do with having feelings and pretended all was OK. I didn't complete the course I had been traveling on, instead I took a detour that left me standing still. For almost 20 years I chose to do anything else other than find peace within my soul. The past was still haunting the present, and it is where I am today.

Several weeks ago the molester tried to contact me and wanted to come for a visit. He has been separated from his wife and four children. At this time I am living alone getting medical treatment for an injury I incurred years ago. Fear took over and I began to shake and shiver then get so angry with myself. I am now a man and I still allow this jerk to have control over my life. I refused to see him, and he tried to insist we get together. I don't believe he wants to harm me today but he has in the past made remarks that I was a nobody who would amount to nothing and that I would never find a woman I would fall in love with. When he told me this only a few years ago I was determined to prove him wrong! I began to date women, but found the stress of dating to be too much for me. I shut down, delved into work and here I am today. I wish I could move on and get past my fears of finding someone I can love. I just want to love someone and to be loved. I am so tired of always feeling and being alone.

I desire to find that peace you speak of in your comment, as well as the "joy and fulfillment that should be ours." As I try to believe this I tend to tell myself it will never come to be. I am in my early 40s already, when will all the pain STOP?

Well, again thanks for your insight. I come to this site periodically and find comfort in knowing I am not alone, that my feelings are actually common amongst us all.

Peace to all.
 
Eddie,
I am so sorry for what happened to you. your story is very close to mine and the memories of betrayal are ovewhelming. the abuser in my life tries to act as if all is ok and he should forget it and move on. I am 46 and the thought of seeing him shuts me down like it will happen again. The sickest part is that I almost desire him to do those thigs to me. I was a little boy, all alone, and fearful and he filled a place in me that comforted and killed me at the same time. the betrayal when my mother started to sexually abuse me when she found out. I wish you peace. Please know that you are not alone.
 
Eddie,

As I try to believe this I tend to tell myself it will never come to be. I am in my early 40s already, when will all the pain STOP?
Click to expand...
Just as our abuse histories are all different and we are all different individuals, the course of our recovery will also differ. This isn't something we can cope with alone and a therapist needs to be involved. That said, however, it all depends on us.

We need to face our issues honestly, do the work even when it hurts, refuse to be discouraged, and trust our T to get us through the rough spots with the least possible pain and trauma.

Above all, we need to remember that the truth cannot hurt us and that none of the events and feelings we run up against are our fault. We need to face our feelings and work with them, but at the same time we should refuse to allow them to define us.

There will be many disappointing and frustrating days, but things do get better with time.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry, as always your words of wisdom are taken to heart! I will think about what you said regarding a therapist, I assumed that since I spoke with one in my 20s I concurred this threshold and didnt need to open this door again. When I read what you had to say it did make sense and perhaps I still need to speak with a therapist who can help me deal with the past. I would love to bury it one day to never think of it again. When I try this from time to time I end up with awful nightmares all revolving the abuse. So, perhaps I have unfinished issues that need to be addressed.

I agree with you that the truth will NEVER hurt us and that blame must not be draped on our shoulders unlike our molesters. Feelings are a very sensitive area and I believe at times we end up with mixed emotions thinking we (or I) deserved to have endeavored all the years of abuse. I had to have done something that allowed my abuser to know I would be weak, as well as all the other men like my guidance counselor, boss and family priest friend.

Mixed feelings occur when I think back and recall the various times when I found the sexual acts appealing, the filth and shame I feel for ever to have had such feelings can be overwhelming at times. In realty I can understand that I was only a child who endured abuse for some time and learned to enjoy these acts in order to deal with myself. Perhaps I even enjoyed it because I was gay and deserved what I got? This is what I play with in my mind at my worst of hours.

Your words always help Larry. I read all that is written and apply your responses to my thoughts and feelings. I work hard at dealing with the issue and believe I have gotten past the worst part. What I never conquered was allowing myself to feel for someone else. I was too frightened to learn I was gay as I have said before. It is the one issue I never dealt with and continue to struggle with.

I wish you much peace friend,
 
Hi Sonny;
Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts with me. I take your words to heart and it is in getting such responses as your that I am able to deal with my abusive years as a child.

In speaking about the asshole molester, in my case he had the audacity to think I should just forget all those years and live life for today. According to him (a few years back) we were all younger and did foolish things. When I asked him why he chose me he told me it was because I could hear and he was born hearing impaired. (I learned sign language at a very young age having siblings who were deaf as well as cousins). So God gave me ears to hear and in turn I used my hands to help those who could not talk for themselves. Instead of being grateful that I was there for him and all those who were deaf he decided to punish me through years of abuse. Im not sure if that was the only reason. I had been a decent looking kid and I got a lot of attention when I was really young. I think he was jealous of this as well. Whatever the case may be he was a sick SOB!

I am a religious human being and know I must come to terms with this so I can one day forgive him. If God can forgive me my sins then why cant I forgive this animal?

Sonny if you ever feel the need to talk we are all here for you. If you feel the need to have a one on one talk, I am always available!

Take care friend,Peace be with you.
 
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