A Letter To My Children
A Letter to My Children
I wish you a Healthy and Happy Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is a time to gather in unity with those you love and have supported you in good and bad times. To celebrate the struggles and victories in life. It is a time to teach of the past so the heritage and struggles and victories of the past are not forgotten. It is a time to prepare the heart for thanks, to share the abundance of heart to help others.
I am resolved in knowing I had times of joy, times of sadness and through it I found the people who were there for me, who could see my struggles and reach out for a soul that was destroyed decades ago, re-wounded and ignored in recent times. I found peace but strife, anger and lack of understanding of others was so strong that it has negated the goodness of many.
I pray and hope one day you will take a look at your life and face the cross you carry that has so impacted you. I have learned others around can see the truth denied by the one who carries the cross, your demon.
I have not been a perfect being and I do not deny it. Nor has anyone I have ever met. I prepare with calmness and peace lifes inevitable. For I had love and many wonderful aspects of my life. I had burden, denied and escalated by some. A burden that becomes a casualty.
I have loved you but love does not require one to like what has been done. What I may have done you may not like. You must know the depth and truth of what happened and was done on an emotional, physical and medical level. I cannot educate you, you must educate yourself on CSA, dissociation, PTSD, triggers to understand the depth of the wounds a victim suffers. You must leave the baggage of the past and the ignorance of others to learn and to educate yourself. To pronounce understanding without learning are words of the uneducated, the words of people who are destructive and ignorant. I understand certain events may have happened, and I know they were not conscious and I know the triggers that set the mind into motion and caused the schism between the mind and the being. Laugh you may, but that will be a laugh that shows the character of the person. I have lived a life with many unknown hours and days.
Your mother I loved and these past years have been difficult. You may think because I am unable to take care of everything I am being vengeful, hurtful or negligent. I am not, I am lost within myself and have been for years. No one took notice. I have been for so long and over the past ten plus years it has become worse. You may not have seen it, or maybe you choose not to see it but I know you have seen my letters and cries for help. I never intended for her to feel hurt. I have learned from a wise and kind woman, relationships require the two to invest in their relationship, to put each other ahead of all others. Sometimes it does not happen and if one is a CSA survivor, unknown to the partner, the consequences are compounded and destructive. I lived these emotions of the abuse, abandonment when sick, torment and lack of positive response to the cries for help silently. Unfortunately, when the two people do not invest but choose others no matter who they may be first the outcome can be very severe. Your mother can be a kind and loving person and remember that when I am gone. She loves you and together you need to heal the wounds left many years ago from gaps in time of her presence. Many wonderful things happened together but life can get in the way, the past can haunt and together it can be devastating.
I know my struggles, I know the levels of despair I lived as cries for help were ignored, laughed at, used to escalate the damage of ones soul. I know the lost time in my life was an escape, some say to escape the memories, others to find love the child did not have, to escape the torment around me. A torment you may choose to deny but for a victim it is real, it seeps into the soul and heart. Fear of not knowing what truly happened, what actually was done has frightened me for a lifetime. Today I am resolved that I will never know nor can I change what happens in dissociative fugues.
Soon you will read my words in my letter and then you can choose what to believe. One thing you will know is I am thankful you were in my life and you can take the good memories into the future if you choose for I will not be there to tell, laugh or smile. If you do, I will have left you with something. Remember no guilt because guilt is used to control and manipulate by others and more destructively used by oneself against oneself.
I wish you a very Happy, Healthy and Healing Thanksgiving
I wish you a Healthy and Happy Thanksgiving.
Thanksgiving is a time to gather in unity with those you love and have supported you in good and bad times. To celebrate the struggles and victories in life. It is a time to teach of the past so the heritage and struggles and victories of the past are not forgotten. It is a time to prepare the heart for thanks, to share the abundance of heart to help others.
I am resolved in knowing I had times of joy, times of sadness and through it I found the people who were there for me, who could see my struggles and reach out for a soul that was destroyed decades ago, re-wounded and ignored in recent times. I found peace but strife, anger and lack of understanding of others was so strong that it has negated the goodness of many.
I pray and hope one day you will take a look at your life and face the cross you carry that has so impacted you. I have learned others around can see the truth denied by the one who carries the cross, your demon.
I have not been a perfect being and I do not deny it. Nor has anyone I have ever met. I prepare with calmness and peace lifes inevitable. For I had love and many wonderful aspects of my life. I had burden, denied and escalated by some. A burden that becomes a casualty.
I have loved you but love does not require one to like what has been done. What I may have done you may not like. You must know the depth and truth of what happened and was done on an emotional, physical and medical level. I cannot educate you, you must educate yourself on CSA, dissociation, PTSD, triggers to understand the depth of the wounds a victim suffers. You must leave the baggage of the past and the ignorance of others to learn and to educate yourself. To pronounce understanding without learning are words of the uneducated, the words of people who are destructive and ignorant. I understand certain events may have happened, and I know they were not conscious and I know the triggers that set the mind into motion and caused the schism between the mind and the being. Laugh you may, but that will be a laugh that shows the character of the person. I have lived a life with many unknown hours and days.
Your mother I loved and these past years have been difficult. You may think because I am unable to take care of everything I am being vengeful, hurtful or negligent. I am not, I am lost within myself and have been for years. No one took notice. I have been for so long and over the past ten plus years it has become worse. You may not have seen it, or maybe you choose not to see it but I know you have seen my letters and cries for help. I never intended for her to feel hurt. I have learned from a wise and kind woman, relationships require the two to invest in their relationship, to put each other ahead of all others. Sometimes it does not happen and if one is a CSA survivor, unknown to the partner, the consequences are compounded and destructive. I lived these emotions of the abuse, abandonment when sick, torment and lack of positive response to the cries for help silently. Unfortunately, when the two people do not invest but choose others no matter who they may be first the outcome can be very severe. Your mother can be a kind and loving person and remember that when I am gone. She loves you and together you need to heal the wounds left many years ago from gaps in time of her presence. Many wonderful things happened together but life can get in the way, the past can haunt and together it can be devastating.
I know my struggles, I know the levels of despair I lived as cries for help were ignored, laughed at, used to escalate the damage of ones soul. I know the lost time in my life was an escape, some say to escape the memories, others to find love the child did not have, to escape the torment around me. A torment you may choose to deny but for a victim it is real, it seeps into the soul and heart. Fear of not knowing what truly happened, what actually was done has frightened me for a lifetime. Today I am resolved that I will never know nor can I change what happens in dissociative fugues.
Soon you will read my words in my letter and then you can choose what to believe. One thing you will know is I am thankful you were in my life and you can take the good memories into the future if you choose for I will not be there to tell, laugh or smile. If you do, I will have left you with something. Remember no guilt because guilt is used to control and manipulate by others and more destructively used by oneself against oneself.
I wish you a very Happy, Healthy and Healing Thanksgiving
