A Letter to me as a kid
Hi everybody,
Been working on many things with my T one of which is a letter my younger self. I often still feel like that little boy. This letter has helped me make sense of some things. Sharing it here in hopes it may help one of you too. My original story is here for reference.
To 10 year old Avery,
I am so proud of you. What you have accomplished is truly incredible. People tell you everyday how proud of you they are and for the longest time you were confused as to why. It makes me wonder at what point in the sexual abuse the shame took over and replaced your confidence. I wonder at what point the anxiety took over for happiness. You are told all the time how good of a guy you are. It is time to start believing it. Better days are ahead, Avery. I am one of those people telling you now; how proud I am of you - after all we have gone through.
I look at that picture today and it makes me so sad. Why did your uncle choose you? Was it your hair? Was it your smaller build? Your personality and behaviors? There are a lot of things I go through today that make me think about you. It is hard to separate you and I despite almost twenty years passing. You live with me and you always will. That will remain true forever but I am writing this today to tell you that 27 year old Avery is going to start controlling his life a bit more. He has to do that in honor of that little boy. You deserve nothing but happiness and greatness for allowing me to be here today. Thank you for getting through it all my friend.
How strong you were is genuinely incredible. You got through not only horrendous acts committed towards you but then 16 years of holding on to a reality shattering secret. A secret that was in no way yours to have to keep. How dare your abuser put that weight on you. You were only 10. You were not even five feet tall. You of course did not fully understand this as a little kid and really no little kid should. The thing about getting sexually abused as a child by a family member is that you almost don’t know any better. Therefore, the blame is not on you and never should have been.
What your uncle did was anti human. This is something I have been thinking about recently and I want to explain it to you too. Getting sexually abused by a family member does not make sense and it is not supposed to make sense. Let me explain - Our familial system was developed for survival. Humans evolved in and survived in groups. We are wired to rely on our family to protect. As a kid that is all you knew and rightfully so - your family. That is how it is supposed to be. You did nothing wrong. What your abuser did was take advantage of an innate power dynamic. He took advantage of something that you didn't understand but instinctively knew to be true. Your brain didn’t know any better and that is how you were supposed to feel. All you knew was his care. That is all you were supposed to know. It is not your fault this care was transformed into sexual abuse of a child. Please know that.
What an amazing little boy you are for breaking down that day in December of 2021. I say “little boy” because that was not me writing this today who disclosed the abuse. That was you and I thank you. You finally honored reality for the first time in this regard. Do you know how amazing that is? “The truth hurts” is a common saying and wow do you and I both know that is the case here. You spoke out about your uncle grooming and sexually abusing you. You broke that cycle. What an amazing thing you did. If not for your strength I would not be here today to write this letter to you. You and I both know a lot of people who went through what you did are not here to share their story or get better. We will not be a part of that cycle. The cycle we are a part of today is one of healing, sharing and loving yourself.
Family dynamics have shifted dramatically since the disclosure and that’s okay. We have to work on separating ourselves from that. A lot of shame we held onto about the abuse itself has shifted into shame for breaking up the family. Deep down we know this is not true and I will keep close tabs on those feelings for you. We don’t have to worry about those people. Let’s worry about ourselves for once. Speaking of family. Remember Adam? It breaks my heart to tell you Adam took his own life last month. Crazy enough it was on the one year anniversary of that day you hit rock bottom and told your parents about the abuse you endured. Adam was amazing and he supported you in getting better.
It is January 28th 2024. You started therapy. You found an amazing community of Male Survivors online and you proudly support and are in peer support groups for the nonprofit Empowering Survivors. You played a critical role in delivering 1.6 million meals last year to disabled individuals and seniors in (state I live in). Like those you help feed, we are starting to help us. When I say us I mean me today and you back then. I want us to start working together better. I know you feel you are in danger and at times still it feels like your back in that bedroom. I assure you that you are not and you are okay. I have your back Avery and we will battle forever to keep fighting the good fight for yourself and your brothers who survived it all too.
I look forward to showing you how much better I am doing in the future.
Keep in touch,
- Avery
Been working on many things with my T one of which is a letter my younger self. I often still feel like that little boy. This letter has helped me make sense of some things. Sharing it here in hopes it may help one of you too. My original story is here for reference.
To 10 year old Avery,
I am so proud of you. What you have accomplished is truly incredible. People tell you everyday how proud of you they are and for the longest time you were confused as to why. It makes me wonder at what point in the sexual abuse the shame took over and replaced your confidence. I wonder at what point the anxiety took over for happiness. You are told all the time how good of a guy you are. It is time to start believing it. Better days are ahead, Avery. I am one of those people telling you now; how proud I am of you - after all we have gone through.
I look at that picture today and it makes me so sad. Why did your uncle choose you? Was it your hair? Was it your smaller build? Your personality and behaviors? There are a lot of things I go through today that make me think about you. It is hard to separate you and I despite almost twenty years passing. You live with me and you always will. That will remain true forever but I am writing this today to tell you that 27 year old Avery is going to start controlling his life a bit more. He has to do that in honor of that little boy. You deserve nothing but happiness and greatness for allowing me to be here today. Thank you for getting through it all my friend.
How strong you were is genuinely incredible. You got through not only horrendous acts committed towards you but then 16 years of holding on to a reality shattering secret. A secret that was in no way yours to have to keep. How dare your abuser put that weight on you. You were only 10. You were not even five feet tall. You of course did not fully understand this as a little kid and really no little kid should. The thing about getting sexually abused as a child by a family member is that you almost don’t know any better. Therefore, the blame is not on you and never should have been.
What your uncle did was anti human. This is something I have been thinking about recently and I want to explain it to you too. Getting sexually abused by a family member does not make sense and it is not supposed to make sense. Let me explain - Our familial system was developed for survival. Humans evolved in and survived in groups. We are wired to rely on our family to protect. As a kid that is all you knew and rightfully so - your family. That is how it is supposed to be. You did nothing wrong. What your abuser did was take advantage of an innate power dynamic. He took advantage of something that you didn't understand but instinctively knew to be true. Your brain didn’t know any better and that is how you were supposed to feel. All you knew was his care. That is all you were supposed to know. It is not your fault this care was transformed into sexual abuse of a child. Please know that.
What an amazing little boy you are for breaking down that day in December of 2021. I say “little boy” because that was not me writing this today who disclosed the abuse. That was you and I thank you. You finally honored reality for the first time in this regard. Do you know how amazing that is? “The truth hurts” is a common saying and wow do you and I both know that is the case here. You spoke out about your uncle grooming and sexually abusing you. You broke that cycle. What an amazing thing you did. If not for your strength I would not be here today to write this letter to you. You and I both know a lot of people who went through what you did are not here to share their story or get better. We will not be a part of that cycle. The cycle we are a part of today is one of healing, sharing and loving yourself.
Family dynamics have shifted dramatically since the disclosure and that’s okay. We have to work on separating ourselves from that. A lot of shame we held onto about the abuse itself has shifted into shame for breaking up the family. Deep down we know this is not true and I will keep close tabs on those feelings for you. We don’t have to worry about those people. Let’s worry about ourselves for once. Speaking of family. Remember Adam? It breaks my heart to tell you Adam took his own life last month. Crazy enough it was on the one year anniversary of that day you hit rock bottom and told your parents about the abuse you endured. Adam was amazing and he supported you in getting better.
It is January 28th 2024. You started therapy. You found an amazing community of Male Survivors online and you proudly support and are in peer support groups for the nonprofit Empowering Survivors. You played a critical role in delivering 1.6 million meals last year to disabled individuals and seniors in (state I live in). Like those you help feed, we are starting to help us. When I say us I mean me today and you back then. I want us to start working together better. I know you feel you are in danger and at times still it feels like your back in that bedroom. I assure you that you are not and you are okay. I have your back Avery and we will battle forever to keep fighting the good fight for yourself and your brothers who survived it all too.
I look forward to showing you how much better I am doing in the future.
Keep in touch,
- Avery