a letter to friend not sent - because it's TRIGGERING

[markgreyblue]

Hi ,

Things were very good today - and I kind of overworked myself into a tired state -

when that happens the mind latches on to some negative ideas - or moments when things are not perfect - and blow that up into a paranoia - like a theory of self negative
and self look down - inferior view -

I get fatigued very easily it seems - or maybe as some have pointed out - I try to do way too much -
with too much at stake - for each thing I do -

The following could be read
but it will have MANY TRIGGERS -

so maybe skip it -


Right now - I am regretting somehow - the past that was dealt to me - the mind as it twisted to deal and live through it -

and now - the limitation I have been overcoming on the road to healing from it all and keep a achieving the things I need and want to --

I feel I have done as best I could to be a good person - and survive and take care of myself - according to the need - wants and fears I had inside -growing up -

I feel though, now at once happy - and kind of sad - that I was so misunderstood - and still am -- though it's just a feeling and maybe -

an habitual paranoia -

but I just need to not focus on the fears of what people may think - and get on with the work of my life - needs and wants. I try to live and walk what I say and do - with scrupulous attention
to care for others - yet the pressure to this - caused explosive needs to vent in probably a really confusing way -

no less confusing to me -
but the journey required me to make sense of it -
I could not just explode - and so My vents -
were more venting to get past the impact of life than anything - I have had had quite an intense few years - and getting past hurt and healing from them - sometimes we do not know what we are 'in' until we get out of it -

It's a bit sad but I will be happy once things are a bit further in the past -

Thanks for being there, I guess in essence I forgive myself - for doing what I had to do -

and also handling it all so so.

Happy Saturday -


Mark

 

[RICK57]

Mark - those of us in this world that understand what it is to hurt, rarely seek to hurt others! That is why we never understand why others should have hurt us!

Be a good person regardless of how others are. In the end we do not answer to others.

I believe that eventually we will all feel the sunshine. Remember that a little rain helps everything to grow!

Best wishes ...Rik

 

[Derdlecar]

Mark,

In this life, we do what we have to do to get to where we have to go, sometimes we don't know where we have to go, much less what we have to do to get there so we just do something even if it is the wrong thing, at least we will know that that particular thing doesn't get us there. So we try something else and life goes on if you can call it that. But eventually we can look back over the road traveled and see we are no longer where we were and we are not where we want to be, but the place we are now is better than where we were so we must be going the right direction even if it isn't the direction we thought we needed to go in the first place. But that's ok because life starts to be worth living, and the sun starts to shine just a little bit now and then.

I hope this rambling helps.

Hang in there my friend

Darrel