a helping hand

a helping hand
R

Raphael

Registrant
My therapist suggested this forum to me a year ago but only now i feel the courage to write to you. I don't actually know what to say or where to begin.
I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was six years old. The abuse probably went on for some time but I can't remember. During my teenage years I was molested again by a relative and other men also tried to seduce me but with no success. Even my younger brother molested me during my sleep - he was about 10 and I was about 16. Now I am 34 and I am finally starting to put things together in my mind and try to make sense of it all. Needless to say how hurt, and confused, and sad, and lonely I have felt all along the way... Homosexual feelings kept haunting me and they still do. Somehow they seem stronger now and I am scared. I don't think I am gay (and I completely respect those who are) and so it is very uncomfortable to have these feelings and to be afraid of acting them out.

As I write all of this tears insist in coming to my eyes but I hold them back. there is so much more i wish i could talk about.

will I ever be cured?
 
Raphael,

Will you ever be cured? I hope so, you have made the first steps to finding what this mess is about and I welcome you here.

It is so hard feeling the feelings you mention, I too have had the same feelings, I too had the men following me, and no, it was not a dream. It took me so long to trust any man, but I knew who to trust, and I found out who not to trust.

The feelings you describe, can be seen all over this forum, identify with them, and it is stepping in the right direction, a problem shared is a problem less, it will take time, but you will get there.

Post what you want, when you feel right to do so, keep yourself safe in here, don't take in too much hurt, come here when you feel the need.

I wish you well,

ste
 
Hey Raphael,
I understand what you're going through. I think a lot of guys here do. It's very confusing to be a straight guy introduced to gay sex at a young age. It happened to me at age 7 when a minister started molesting me, and it continued for several years. It left me with a lot of confusion for many years after. The more I understand it, the less power the confusion has over me.

Will you ever be cured? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever be made whole again. But I do think I can get better control over my life.

I look at it this way. Assume the abuse left me missing an arm -- that was the damage instead of the psychiatric problems. Well, I'd never get my arm back. But I could do a lot of things to make my life as good as it could be. That's what I think recovery is -- the process of accepting the loss and the remaining damage that can't be changed, but continuing to make the best of my life despite the loss.
 
Raphael,

I am so sorry you needed to find us, but you are most welcome.

First off, "cure" is a relative term with this. But it will get better. It already has. Because you had the strength to come here. That was something you couldn't do a year ago. That shows progress, my friend. You have more strength than you realize. You survived. And now you are taking your life back. That takes a lot of courage!

As far as the homosexual thoughts go, I know you will find a lot of understanding with that because so many guys here go or went through that.

It's not your fault and it never was. And you are not alone with this anymore.

Call on us when you need us. Call on us if you just want to talk. We are here for you.

Peace,

Marc
 
I'm a little confused Raphael. How could a 10 year old manage to molest a 16 year old? The owness is on the 16 year old, as he is older, stronger, more experienced and therefore in the position of power. Peace, Andrew
 
Hello Raphael,
please welcome. Yes, it needs a lot of courage indeed.
Take it easy at the beginning; do not push yourself too much.

We all need time, all time of this world to heal.

You are mentioning uncontrolled homosexual feelings, something, unfortunately that is very familiar to me, but I am afraid that I do not have any better answer than you toward this issue.
Maybe the reason for such feelings is the fact that, like you, I was also molested at age of 6. Too early to have sex by all standards and very good base for total chaos with sexuality later :( .

Anyway the situation is that we do not have choice, we must survive no matter how hard can be and better days will come.

I wish you the best,
Ivo
 
Raphael
a short while back, in 1996 to about '98 I was acting out sexually with strange men.
I would find them in toilets and we'd have sex.

I've just celebrated my 30th wedding anniversary, and although we have a few small problems our marriage is stronger than ever, even though she knows EVERYTHING.

The fantasies that we have about having sex with other men is NOTHING to with being gay, it's a throw-back to our abuse.
For me the fantasies took over, and I made them real. Or so I thought.
The reality is that having sex with strangers didn't match my fantasies at all, and I now know they never would.
If you haven't acted on your fantasies yet, then I now doubt that you ever will.
Why? because you are doing something about your past abuse, your present life and your future by being in therapy and coming here.

My therapist keeps telling me, and the rest of the guys in the group, that "once you share your fantasy with someone it's no longer a fantasy"
And I'm finding that to be true.
Don't withold stuff from your therapist, I know that's easy for me to say, but share your deepest darkest thoughts - obviously you do have to trust your therapist, but if you do, share.
The more I share, the better I get.

Dave
 
raphael,

welcome to this site from me as well.

as others have said, sory you, i , and us have had to be here but it is what it is and we have to deal with it the best we can.

your coming here is a big step. going to a good therapist is helpful too.

as for will we be cured. i don't know when and how we will know it if it does occur.

i am thinking it is different for all of us and our own individual needs.

i think we are in the process of healing and i am getting cured but that is like marc said, a relative term. i will be better when i complete all my "to do's" in a step by step process and in doing that, one of the last things will be me being able to be "proud of me being a survivor", not afraid to tell people, maybe be a public advocate of some sort. not living the repression and facade i had for so long.

i am so not there now, i just have been here for about 7 months. have been in t for that long too.

anyhow, take care, welcome , and don't worry about the guy feelings or what you are, you are a human being, and on this site, we were abused, it was not our fault, and we don't care what somebody is or thinks about or fantasizes about (so long as they are not at risk to themselves or others). that is thier business.

guy
 
Dear friends,

Thank you so much for all your warm replies. It feels very good to have found a group of friends who understand what I am going through, whom I can trust, who are not judgemental, with whom I can share my feelings and fears, and whose life experience can help me see things in a new light. Thank you all. Thank you, my therapist Dr. B. Thank You, God!

It was not easy to come here and as a result I did not sleep very well last night. Had strange dreams, had a dream with my older brother who abused me and in the dream he abused me verbally and physically. I woke up in tears and in pain... My wife was sleeping by my side and I wished I could talk to her. She knows about the SA but I never had the courage to talk to her about how I feel now, about these feelings and fantasies. It was encouraging to hear you, Dave, and how your wife knows everything.

Andrew, I agree it is very confusing and in fact I was always so embarassed to say what happened between me and my younger brother, how could he have molested me?! The situation was that over the course of some time he would come to my bedroom in the middle of the night, when I was already asleep, and he would put his penis inside my mouth. Of course I would wake up after a while but felt powerless to do anything. I felt paralised. I guess I had been trained to suck my brothers dick and I had to be quiet. How would my younger brother get the idea that he should get out of his bed and do that, it really beats me! Now I think that my family probably talked about me, had questions about my masculinity, and my younger brother probably heard that and decided to do what he did. You see how confusing it is... and for many years I carried the guilt and shame that I had molested my younger brother, but I swear, I did not start that! I come to realize that bothe my younger brother and I, and probably even my older brother, we are all the victims of a family that was very ill.

Thank you, Dave, for saying that I will probably not act on my fantasies. This is one of my greatest fears at the moment because they seem to be so strong, and I so weak, that I am afraid they will control my life. But it is true, I am fighting them, and I am trying the best I can. I really want to be in control of my life and my feelings and my actions. About two years ago I became addicted to going into the net and browsing gay web sites, looking for images that would resemble my own SA, and then masturbate. That was when I looked for help and found Dr. B. I had no control and would spend hours searching for pics of oral sex, sometimes even at my work place, with the risk of being caught. Dr. B helped me and I got much much better. Recently the urge was taking over again and specially yesterday, I channeled the urge to brwose the web to find MaleSurvivor.org and write to you guys. I guess I am turning the computer from a poisonous tool to a healing channel.

Sorry for the loooong message. Thank you for listening and for being there for me.

Love and prayers,
Raphael
 
Raphael
I bet we look at the same porn sites?
Next time we see each other there we can throw each other off!

For me the use of porn has greatly subsided, but it still comes around occassionaly.
Now though, I try very hard to NOT feel the huge amount of guilt and shame about looking at porn that I did before, I'd rather not look at it, but I don't beat myself up over it any more.
Instead I look at the trigger that led me there, and with a bit of practice I can now see various things that trigger me. Which makes it easier to stop before I start.
Which is what you did yesterday I guess.

Many of the reasons we're here and in therapy are associated to the guilt and shame we feel over our past abuse, so why add more on top?

Dave
 
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