A Heartwarming Note

[KMCINVA]

A friend's father passed this week. His wife wrote a thank you to everyone. One part of it hit me and made me realize a lot about my life and how these two people made their marriage and partnership work for they had been together for 47 years.

HOPE - XXXX (husband) and I have always been able to dream big and do cool things together because we knew we would be okay no matter what happens. That has been a gift between us for our entire life together. We were very different in every way possible. But we knew how to partner and complement each other’s gifts. And we created a safety net for each other to take risks and try things. We knew how to pick each other up when one of us fell down. Falling down was simply part of learning for us. Every day we remind each other we are going to be okay. “We can do this.”


Her words reminded me of many supporters here who have stood by and are there to pick up the survivor. I realized I never had anyone to pick me up, but rather felt knocked down, alone or abandoned until now. And now is unique and different, but where it leads I do not know but for the first time I have someone who encourages me to heal, to dream and to be happy and not making me feel alone or second to many others, or fearful that when out I will become the brunt of the jokes she will tell.

 

[Tom E.]

Wow, beautiful.

 

[HealingHope]

I'm so happy for you, Kevin. Such a connection is so very precious.
Blessings. HH

 

[WG]

At times we almost don't believe someone so good can actually be in our lives and connected to us - yet there they are.
My wife and I have been married 35 years. Her folks have died, my Dad and grandparents have died - and within the next year our first son died. Life isn't supposed to happen like that - it's supposed to be the other way around - the younger ones are supposed to stand in front of the older ones in the casket.Then several cousins in the next few years. The most devastating one was our first son - the whispers came - 'Well of course your child would die - you're not worth having a kid. ' And on and on. Financial set backs, job changes, moving, in-laws and out-laws. Weddings, funerals, birthdays and new cars. We have had 3 more children. 10 days ago my wife had a stroke. I am suddenly retired - never thought I'd land in this place! However, something my folks (there were a few things they did well) taught me : save your money for when you need it. I did. I've worked since I was 16 and paid into social security and retirement. Now it's there for us. Plenty to live on. However, again this is where loving someone comes in , you do what you need to do for the ones you love until you don't need to do it anymore. How long will this all last? A lifetime. She's learning to walk and talk again. Swallowing without choking, learning to use her left side again. I'm there. Appointments, laundry, shopping, cleaning, driving (she cannot drive for a year or more), bathing, dressing, cooking and dishes. It's what we do as husbands or life partners in one form or another.
When I put on this ring 35 years ago I didn't say "I think so" I didn't say "Until you don't look like I want you to any longer" or "I might" I said "I do". That's for life. She would tell you the same thing. It's a commitment and a long road - we do it together.
I hope you have the same blessed life we've had.

 

[woodenshoes]

Wg
Sorry for what has happened and glad you are a stand up guy. Your wife blessed you now you are there for her. Thinking of you.

Ws

 

[Ceremony]

Hi Kevin, haven't seen you in a bit, maybe it's me? When I read this 13 days ago, I knew it was a very good thing for you to get to this point with your partner. She's seemed a dream to read of, some here share similarly.

I know the story of old, it's a long story, drawn out by your abusive wife and kids caught in that trap. Their emotional and physical abuse of you was despicable. Single minds, who have difficulty grasping why someone is the way they are, don't have money, their wives dole out abuse, their kids lock them in a room, spit on them; single minds, blinders minds, well, it's hard for me to forgive all around. My fight has been for a lifetime that I'm aware.

Since my parents neglect, my poverty, no one to show me anything and when I got attention it was punishment for something stupid I did. I know I was a really good kid, always seeking to know if I did things right, but, that neediness was scorned and derided. Too needy, go the f away. Blunted, shunned, friendless and moving every year to new bullies, no wonder I got molested and in the end raped like I did at 16.

I endured another hours long yelling by my wife last night. I'm angry that I have money problems. That I am a failure because I had no support and that I see that and that I am angry that my life has been one rug pulled out after another. I'm angry that there's so much love in my heart that's left unrequited and must shrivel, but for some outpouring I get to share and some to my son or daughter. Some people have it in their mind that they've done all the right things. Me, I think I did the right things with big mistakes paralleling them at the same time.

Being easily emotional, hurt or angry sabotages being positive. My wife debilitated by the marriage she wasn't ready for, our daughter, her life being changed and then I'm the brunt of blame. I'm unable to rise the ladder, hurt by her anger, her rage at me, which only fed the rage I've always had at society for hating me. Society for abusing me, for by nature, the weakest have to relegate themselves to be nothing and like it. Ohhh, we don't like it.

I had one chance and blew it. In my early 20's, might have seen going to college as a possible life, but I got her pregnant. We always had protection, but then that one time. God damn or thank God for our daughter. That life seemed to bring me a chance to be a man, a father, a person who wouldn't do to her life what my parents did to me. But, in so many ways I did the same to her. Her mother kept a stable job, I kept fucking up with my emotional failing. It's only since last Summer that I know why.

I hate the neglected, bullied, molested and raped childhood so much. It sucks! But, I whine for me, and it's stupid, because so many had is far worse, far, far worse. I'm just one story, and I hate comparing.

So, I feel sadness, I anger easily, and my wife is an asshole.

Hmmm.... I had a lot to get out, and my intention at the beginning was to see how it can change and someone might come along to repair my terribly ruined heart. Baggage it seems I would bring. But, not necessarily. I am doing EMDR and it does something. It has something that I am knowing is different. I want love, and have always been loyal, it's hard to understand why love and loyalty are worthless to my wife. I listen. I try to hug and snuggle but it's always rebuke. So, gawwwwd what am I to do? And money is the root of all evil. Ruining my marriage because it's all she sees and it's all she will focus. I fail with money for running out, and I fail with money because the jobs I chose didn't made it run out. Yeah, that's the thing about choosing a job, it being a choice can be debated. It took me almost 2 years to go from being self employed to working for the company I've been with for 6 years. The company almost did good for me, and then pulled the rug out. Doomed me. But, hey it was my choice to chose them, my choice to stay, my choice that my emotions are so fucked up.

All the therapists that did nothing for me was my choice... the insurance pushes to them, it's someone who knew someone and try them, they're really good... so many things influence and sabotage, and then these f'ing emotions...

But,

 

[KMCINVA]

Ceremony

Sorry for the lack of responses. I am sort of on the road--a long story with several important meetings throughout the day with the hope it will bring the final resolution, and I know there is no such thing as a true ending to the effects of CSA, to this part of my journey. I have been on edge for a few weeks over this doing the mind game what will it be, what if it is this or will really happen, how will I react. I think and maybe it will be over. So many times I have thought this is it, the day it will resolve, a telephone call it is over, then another twist, a widening of the investigation and so on. I am in good spirits and blocking out all distractions and negative forces until today is done. Will it be today--I do not know and I hope giving all I can--but I no longer build up expectations but rather approach it as though it is part of the process to get to the end of this part of the journey so I can once again find the life robbed so long ago and robbed by those that chose to torment and trigger the past. My focus is changing and I am learning and accepting my healing is up to me, learning to think differently, learning to avoid the traps of the triggers, learning to associate with positive thinkers, learning to avoid negative and destructive people with vengeance and malice in their hearts. Despite struggling for resolution and it did take a major emotional and psychological toll there is a silver lining it gave me new insights into life and myself--I wish there could have been a less painful, disruptive and nearly fatal way to get to this understanding and acceptance.

I have only shared with one person, who has been my rock. Strangely during this time many things at work fell apart--not due to me and the financial impact troublesome. Despite this she kept me focused on the most important thing in life, me finding life and peace and not letting those that were so instrumental in my near demise take over my life.

It is an early day, meeting for breakfast shortly to go over what to expect and I have been through it so many times, I think I got the drill but different for it is to prepare me for whatever may come or for that matter what may not come today.

Thank you for reaching out. I have to go or I will be late.

Kevin

 

[WG]

Kevin- my dear brother - you are a real example of what it takes to walk through something so horrific. Look at you! Moving through the day, staying strong, talking here and with your trusted person. Walking forward as a strong man does. Good for you my friend. Good for you.