A healthy lover relationship for me should...

A healthy lover relationship for me should...
M

Marc

Registrant
Hi all,

A few years back I was starting into a relationship that seemed a little... 'not good'.

So I decided to write the following down to answer to myself what I think a healthy relationship for me should be, especially since I have such a lack of trust in my own definitions and interpretations of my thoughts. I'm sure some might take some of these things for granted. Some might see some of these things as unattainable.

And so, I want to start this thread to see;

First, Am I on the 'right' track (Do my thoughts make sense)?

Second, If you have anything to add that I haven't thought of.

With the above in mind...

A healthy lover relationship for me should...

1. Allow me to grow as a person.

2. Offer total monogamy.

3. Allow a voice.

4. Be mutually supportive.

5. Be expressive.

6. Have passion (not just sexuality).

7. Be challenging (but not high maintenance).

8. Allow independance.

9. Be healing.

10. Be loving

11. Encourage trust.

A healthy lover relationship for me should not...

1. Be one-sided.

2. Be silent.

3. Foster codependance.

4. Cause shame, fear or guilt.

5. Be static (always dynamic).

6. Create inequality (of voice or thought).

7. Create regret.

8. Be demeaning.

9. Be guarded at all.

10. Be limiting.
 
Originally posted by Marc:
Doesn't anyone have a 'model' that they aspire to? Or am I out on a limb here? :confused:
Click to expand...
I don't know where I would get the resources to form a model. I think you're supposed to get those from your family when you are small. I just kinda play it by ear.
 
right or wrong, i had to create my own definitions of what was and wasn't healthy. i sat down, much as you did, using the bible and what i felt to create an image in my mind. relationships are very fluid, and much of what makes them pop is negotiating between the two people involved. i have had some rocky points, but as long as i am true to myself, i get through pretty good. i know that isnt the model you want, but that is the best i have.

jeff
 
Marc,

This is one of the places I look for models, :) for all different kinds of behaviors. And I read a lot of books. And I follow my wife's lead. And I listen and learn in Al Anon and SIA meetings. I sure as hell don't want the kind of relationship that my parents have. My brother in law told me this past weekend that my parents are "happy in their misery," and I corrected him to say that they're "comfortable in their misery." I guess I'm starting to recognize how difficult change can be.

FWIW, I like the characteristics you listed. Just not sure what I would add or change.

Thanks,

Joe
 
Marc,

I have looked at and thot about your model. I think such models for relationships like the relationships themselves are very much matters of personal choices & preferences.

However, as far as some of the likely characteristics of healthy relationships in general, it seems to me from what I've read & observed that you are on the right track.

The important thing is are you on the right track for you? With expectations of yourself & of a prospective partner that are realistic yet hopefully optimistic? With healthy intimacy including appropriate healthy boundaries, mutually?

Then of course there is the matter of finding a partner that can share such a relationship with you mutually, both of you making any adjustments you may need to make & can make willingly & in a healthy way for both of you.

One thing that does come to mind for me is that I cannot have a good relationship with my wife or with any body if I'm not in good relationship with myself. A good model helps there too.

Actually I probably had a rough model in mind, tho
I didn't have having a partner in mind & wasn't looking (quite the opposite in fact) when I met my wife.

I've had this terrific wife for 23 years, so I guess I don't think about a model much now. But maybe I should. I know that as I look at your model, I think this is the kind of relationship we strive for; and I think that is a good thing.

Anyway I would say you've got a pretty good model there for yourself Marc.

My friend I think it is great that you are even actually thinking about & trying to make such a relational model. It's not something most "normal"
(there's that dumb word again!) people take much time to do, much less we survivors, who as Josh indicated have really had no models or no good models for relationships, or boundaries in relationships, to go by.

Marc I think you set a good example for us just by having & sharing a model. Even for those of us who have a partner it's good to think about, even in relation to things like close friendships, also even casual acquaintances, coworkers, children, family of origin members, etc.

Some of these people we can't choose, but we can choose how or even whether to relate to them!

I'm like Jeff in that I try to let the Bible and the God of the Bible in prayer guide me, along with friends I can trust and the inner voice that is my true self.

Certainly helped my wife & I in deciding to get married, as we read the Bible & prayed together regularly. This is how we got to know each other, our expectations & priorities, hopes & dreams.

While we didn't list things just as you did the ideas, characteristics & outcome was quite similar, individual to us of course.

Musta made a lot of difference. I sure didn't do that with my first wife & our marriage was a miserable tho thankfully brief disaster.

I know that's a "religious" answer, but that is my model, or the foundation of it anyway.

Marc thanks for the model & for the very idea of it. Takes me back just thinking about it. Probably
a model I need to be using more in our relationship & in many aspects of our lives right now.

Take care Marc & I hope you and the partner that you will be good for and that will be good for you you find each other.

Victor
 
I read this post a couple of days ago and I wanted to reply then but I was a little busy. Anyway, I'm in the middle of a book called The Road Less Traveled by M. Scott Peck. It's quite famous so maybe you have all heard about it. One of his main theses is that healthy love and healthy relationships promote spiritual growth. Basically if spiritual growth isn't happening then there is something wrong in the relationship. I truthfully don't know a thing about relationships since I've never been in one, but this concept appears to be extremely valid.
That's my two cents.
mike
 
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