A girlz eye view

MACH123

Registrant
So i wrote the first posts in this thread back in 2017 I guess but it seems much longer. I tried to delete it all and get them to delete my account because I felt all exposed and like people (men) didn't understand what I was trying to say.

I don't know when but I found the shemales on porno but I was like "ok there it is, that's me."

So I go around (here) saying "I'm a girl" that's what it means I guess. Because somehow it's ok sucking her thing because she got surgically altered. Probably because I find her attractive as a girl. I don't find men sexually attractive.

But I'm submissive and I want to get picked up.

So I met a guy on another website and he was all about BDSM and I was like WHAT?

But I guess you can meet girls like that (without the penis) who are happy to put you on a leash. Sounds interesting.

So bottom line for me it's not about gender or orientation or sex and I feel strongly most of the "community" has missed th boat on this.

It's about dominance and submission.

The sex I wanna do and see myself doing is submissive. When you are a man with a woman you are dominant unless you make other arrangements? I never met a woman who was dominant in bed. Idk if I could even do that. My wife is a Dom from hell like you couldn't believe but, not in bed.

The male gays are tops and bottoms (it was explained to me) but someone else would have to explain that.

The homosexuality I experienced was out of early childhood and more or less the attitude among the boys I was sexually active with was "can't wait to do this with a girl." This stopped when I was 19. if I'd ever been approached as a girl or a femme or whatever you wanna call it, things might've gone another way but you can't look back and "what if."

So when people say "what do you identify as" which I think is absurd (but I just said I was a girl?) is a boy with girl tendencies.

But even that's not right because the therapist said "she's running everything and she always has." I think she's real and penis me is the fake one.

But I would never alter him in any way. I like him just the way he is.

So I identify with gender confusion/dysphoria. But I don't know that I can say with any certainty "I am that."
 
Thank you for sharing from your heart. With all the pain we have experienced, trying to find who our "true self" is behind the layers of PTSD, DID, Defense Mechanisms, etc. can be a daunting task.

It sounds like you are making progress sorting it all out.

I wish you peace and truth on your journey - this is an important part of your Healing Journey.

(((((((MACH123)))))))

-Kal
 

MACH123

Registrant
I live near the old neighbourhood. My wife and I have been brutally honest recently and it's sweet but I never thought I'd say that stuff to anyone outside a therapists office.

She said to me it must really bother you to go by there but it doesn't. I live a couple towns over.

Where I walked to grade school and waited for the bus for high school. I even took my kids back up in there when they were teenagers to a granite out cropping we called the Indian caves.

It goes with you wherever you go and you can't get away from it, but a little distance helps and looking out the car window at it doesn't phase me. I've just always been here.

So I was kinda surprised when she said it. I think about it all the time. We sold the house 35 years ago. 35 years and a couple towns over and you might as well say it happened on the moon.
 
It was in the same small town. Perp buried in the cemetery directly across the road from my parents. Most of the acts committed on the perps in laws family farm- a half mile away and on my way to work or home every day...I finally realized it WAS triggering what happened there so I drove a couple of miles out of the way while I worked with my trauma T instead of the previous quacks. Now I can drive by and I wonder about the near owners not what happened there so many decades ago.
 

MACH123

Registrant
I never realised how orally fixated I am and what it means. That part of me has become predominant?
Frontal lobe. It's taken about a year but I bonded with my wife through giving her oral sex.

So she really has me now and isn't slow to profit by it. I had to come back over here because I have to say some stuff the women don't understand and the men understand all too well.

It means I'm her bitch. Just like in prison where I've never been thankfully, or have always been. But men all know how this works especially in groups. The pecking order. Someone always gets the short stick. The girl ones get used for sex or the bitch work. Maybe the girl ones want that so the men aren't really at fault? IDK.

That's what my wife is like bless her abusive little heart. I groomed her. It's not "all her fault." She lapses like I do, dominant/submissive, male/female.

But back to giving her head,

I phucking fell madly in love with her (again) and I feel like I'm 14 because that part of me is 14 and she's female (according to the therapist) and I'm like "let's go with that!" How about young love!" My wife's like "you're killing me," which I probably am but getting "licked to death" can't really be all that bad a way to go? She has a massive orgasm.

So I'm her little girlfriend still, I just don't have to pretend I'm the dominant/top anymore because even though male me can perform that with a little help from 5mg of sildenafil, that's only a part.

Just a little more of that please? Or from Oliver, "Please sir, I'd like some more."

Everyone has always had to deal with this part though and she's a pain in the ass, needs lots of attention. You just can't let her around the men, you know how she is about men.
 
I never realised how orally fixated I am and what it means. That part of me has become predominant?
Frontal lobe. It's taken about a year but I bonded with my wife through giving her oral sex.

So she really has me now and isn't slow to profit by it. I had to come back over here because I have to say some stuff the women don't understand and the men understand all too well.

It means I'm her bitch. Just like in prison where I've never been thankfully, or have always been. But men all know how this works especially in groups. The pecking order. Someone always gets the short stick. The girl ones get used for sex or the bitch work. Maybe the girl ones want that so the men aren't really at fault? IDK.

That's what my wife is like bless her abusive little heart. I groomed her. It's not "all her fault." She lapses like I do, dominant/submissive, male/female.

But back to giving her head,

I phucking fell madly in love with her (again) and I feel like I'm 14 because that part of me is 14 and she's female (according to the therapist) and I'm like "let's go with that!" How about young love!" My wife's like "you're killing me," which I probably am but getting "licked to death" can't really be all that bad a way to go? She has a massive orgasm.

So I'm her little girlfriend still, I just don't have to pretend I'm the dominant/top anymore because even though male me can perform that with a little help from 5mg of sildenafil, that's only a part.

Just a little more of that please? Or from Oliver, "Please sir, I'd like some more."

Everyone has always had to deal with this part though and she's a pain in the ass, needs lots of attention. You just can't let her around the men, you know how she is about men.
Mach, I’m sad you deleted previous posts. I don’t know how I missed this thread. I’m pretty sure I have a girl brain. It’s certainly explains a lot of my confusion. I’m definitely a sub; wife is a dom. And it’s pretty much all oral. Although, I’m a little different; I would mod my body in a heartbeat; I wish I could go on HRT.
 

MACH123

Registrant
I was still in process or in a different place lol. I didn't know any of this back then, : ). I had a lot of shame.
 
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I was still in process or in a different place lol. I didn't know any of this back then, : ). I had a lot of shame.
It’s okay; it’s a very confusing process. I keep it all bottled up because I don’t want judgement. It to me a while before it actually thought I might like a different name. Mine is kind of androgynous and I thought I would keep it; but I really like the name Kori. It’s an homage to what my parents would have named me if I was born a girl; Corey.
 

MACH123

Registrant
So this is all coming out still or I'm understanding more and more what it means.

I knew I was orally fixated but I didn't know my primary sex part was my mouth. I learned how to use my mouth way before I was old enough or sexually mature enough and it became the centre of my sexuality.

Then after I was 19 there were no more boys from childhood and all that stopped and I was with women. I enjoyed performing oral for my partners but I was disconnected because I repressed my whole childhood sexual experience as a unit and by so doing shut off the only way I could experience sexual love/bonding which was with my mouth.

I didn't know this of course (when I started regularly sleeping with women) I just did it because I knew she liked it (female partner) but I didn't feel anything really, I just thought it was something you did for a partner. It was the easiest way to help her orgasm usually and I always wanted my partner to orgasm.

Then a few years back I was slowing down in the performance erection department, and I didn't think it was bothering me much then it was. My wife and I didn't do oral sex she always said no she didn't like it. (Married almost 30 years when this started)

So this one time I kinda made her (she didn't really fight back much) and we started doing it and the shit hit the fan, and I fell in love and she fell in love.

I know it's different for her but let's just say we're making it work and if it ain't love, I don't know what is.

It's love for me because it's like it was then. When it all happened and I was doing that. So now I'm really like that (like how I was then) which for me is feeling like a girl or feminine or submissive and it's the first time in my adult life I'm having sex like that and I can let myself be me and enjoy it and I bonded with my wife and I'm in love and I can feel her.

I can feel everyone and everything differently now because something that was missing so long is back in the mix.

It's taking some getting used to.
 
So this is all coming out still or I'm understanding more and more what it means.

I knew I was orally fixated but I didn't know my primary sex part was my mouth. I learned how to use my mouth way before I was old enough or sexually mature enough and it became the centre of my sexuality.

Then after I was 19 there were no more boys from childhood and all that stopped and I was with women. I enjoyed performing oral for my partners but I was disconnected because I repressed my whole childhood sexual experience as a unit and by so doing shut off the only way I could experience sexual love/bonding which was with my mouth.

I didn't know this of course (when I started regularly sleeping with women) I just did it because I knew she liked it (female partner) but I didn't feel anything really, I just thought it was something you did for a partner. It was the easiest way to help her orgasm usually and I always wanted my partner to orgasm.

Then a few years back I was slowing down in the performance erection department, and I didn't think it was bothering me much then it was. My wife and I didn't do oral sex she always said no she didn't like it. (Married almost 30 years when this started)

So this one time I kinda made her (she didn't really fight back much) and we started doing it and the shit hit the fan, and I fell in love and she fell in love.

I know it's different for her but let's just say we're making it work and if it ain't love, I don't know what is.

It's love for me because it's like it was then. When it all happened and I was doing that. So now I'm really like that (like how I was then) which for me is feeling like a girl or feminine or submissive and it's the first time in my adult life I'm having sex like that and I can let myself be me and enjoy it and I bonded with my wife and I'm in love and I can feel her.

I can feel everyone and everything differently now because something that was missing so long is back in the mix.

It's taking some getting used to.
Same. I don’t like using my penis. Except, my wife says that it’s obvious that I think my butt is my best sex organ. Just since I was a kid I thought that was what it was suppose to be used for. Well, other than the obvious...
 

MACH123

Registrant
So I read someone in another thread about a mixed group of survivors or a survivors meeting that's mixed gender. So helpful. My therapist thinks I should be able to do the men thing I resent it. I'm going to "straighten her out" again this week because she started her nonsense about the weekends again. I really don't want to hear it.

The different ways it influences us and how it plays out in our sexuality now. But everyone gives you the same answers it has to be all men because the women would be uncomfortable and vice versa.

There are people who realize these groups have to be mixed for some of us. Even my therapist knows it she just thinks the subset that I am is not so common. I definitely belong to a group but, as a percentage of the whole, it's a smaller group.

But I want to talk about sex because I'm waiting to give my wife head like I do every week now. She only lets me do it once a week, I thinks she's selfish. I only get "my way" with her once a week and she gives me one or two quickies in between which I'm living with but barely.

She has a bunch of excuses naturally but I think the more reluctant partner always does.

But when we do it it's all fireworks and stuff and like a typical dom she tells me I should shut up and be happy with what I'm getting. I tolerate it ok for someone who's "on" all the time. But maybe it's just her. Since we started the oral sex thing it's crazy which has led me more and more to the belief that my original abuse, meaning introduction to sex, was my mother or some other female who had access when I was really young and that's how I learned it.

Then I was abused by an older male or I wanted him to do it I really don't remember.

But I'm really happy I'm able to do oral sex on her now and I'm really getting off on it I just wish she'd like me to do it more often.

Women.
 

MACH123

Registrant
I can trace most of how i feel to my sexuality and wanting to be a girl or rather, girl me trying to come out. She is a CSA creation according to my therapist, I agree but I don't think she does (meaning girl me)

So I got to feel a primary feeling around my trauma yesterday and it's a trigger from something other people love meaning dogs. It's a shame I ended up with horror attached to dogs but that's how it is. It's a trauma feeling, not a real feeling. But by the same token it's so real I think the prisons are full of people who act it out in one way or another.

I'm in a mood, I'm one of my lesser defined personalities. sigh.

Being "triggered" for me is being raped. I started saying the R word awhile ago and with my wife who dismissed and invalidated those feelings as too extreme or over the top. But it's true, when you are "running your dog on the beach in spite of the leash law," I feel raped. Trying to call the police is impossible because I'm fawning meaning "I'm freezing while a sex act is being performed on me." It was always like that while I was being punched black and blue in school. Holding still for it, not being able to fight back.

The fact that I like it only complicates the situation because I'm liking loving my abuser and hating him/her and I'm liking me/she/her and hating myself at the same time. It comes up everywhere, every time. All human interaction contain some parts of it, sometimes more, sometimes less.
 
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