A girlz eye view


Hi MACH123. Ok, I read what you wrote, as well as Ceremony. It's really unfortunate that we grew up back when marginalization of anyone "different" was the rule. The term "faggot" was meant to be hurtful, and boys liked to throw it onto anyone weaker, you didn't have to be effeminate. Just diferent, an outsider of any kind.

I have been impressed with the historic struggle for inclusion and equal protection throughout American history. The LGBT community is just the latest example. It takes very brave people to stand up and fight systems, be they government, social, cultural, economic, which are designed to separate and create a sense of "other". The parties who fought for their rights in US v Windsor and Obergefell v Hodges really stood up. Expansion and protection of anyone's rights are that of everyone's rights.
MACH, I identify with some of the stuff you wrote. I saw myself to a certain extent as "submissive" as I was abused by older men when starting at 13. I also saw a "flirtatious", slightly "seductive" side of me that came out after the abuse with men that wasn't there before. I was desperately afraid of being found to be a faggot or "gay". I found aspects of myself to be "feminine" and I hated myself for those parts for a long time. But I don't anymore but I also don't think of them as feminine either. My gender is very clear to me and I see that some of my behaviors were learned and that means that they can be unlearned and new behaviors put in place. I am not supposed to be seductive toward men nor was I ever supposed to be that way. I have grown into a somewhat masculine guy for the most part and I don't see any parts of myself as being girl-like even if they are not uber-masculine. I've done a lot of work with a lot people and I think the number one thing that changed my attitude about being a man was really making a real effort to bond with other men. I did that through 12 step groups and determining to get over my detachment from my own gender. I have found that straight men (that are healthy, for the most part) aren't that complicated and they seek friends and comrades and as adults many have moved past those childhood ideas of what makes one a man. I am 51 and I am more integrated than ever even after having been the "submissive" in sexual relations with men for many years. I understand it and I don't hate myself for it and reading a post like yours where there is also a level of understanding and self-acceptance is helpful for me.

Your post is that of an adult looking back through a crazy history but with adult eyes and with help. The clarity shows. I really appreciate that you specifically mentioned this not being about a "label". It isn't about the current agendas swirling around children's sexuality (dangerous place for activists to be) but about YOUR experience. Keeping it on the personal keeps it so relatable. I also saw your second post about swinging between being abused and being abusive. I've really had to work on that dynamic, too. And my life got very small too and I've been working hard to live fully again too.

Thanks for being so honest in your own words about your experience.

Tom E.

Early on I was afraid to be assertive & ask for what I wanted so I became passive by default, not always wanting to be but unwilling to risk rejection. Sometimes it felt so degrading, just lying there & letting them do it to me. It's pretty sad when I look back, but that was all I knew then. I learned to be a doormat as a kid.


My fiance is a girl, and she is a dominant personality. Something she likes about me is I am submissive for the most part. Now that I am letting her explore dominating me in a sexual way she's having fun. I'm having new experiences. Is it weird that I find it interesting recreating my rape, but with someone I know loves me and I can stop it at any time? I don't think I could do it with a stranger, but being touched and dominated in the same way, yet in a loving way, and knowing I could say the safe word at any time and she'll stop, I just... I can't explain it. Maybe I just really wish the first time had been the same, that my pleas to stop hadn't gone ignored?

I wasn't abused by a man, though not from lack of trying when we visited my aunt. Still, I have fantasies about being dominated by men. I'm younger and grew up in the 90's when things were starting to change, and yet, it is still a big load of what the fuck. It's not something I really tell anybody about.


Dear Mach123: Thanks for sharing some of your most intimate feelings, stories of your past and history. There are elements in your writings with which I can identify, and it helps to see it written down in words. I am sure many here in M-S also can identify with your story and how we act and feel in our relationships with partners, male friends and female friends (and trans friends too).
I like the fact that you respect your maleness as much as your fem side.
And, I love your concluding statement, saying "I am a man, but not all men are the same."


Ceremony, you are an excellent communicator -- just this one post demonstrates your communication skills well. I always enjoy reading what you have to say.


Ceremony said:
But, some triggers foment a rise in mother protector rage, like inside me the Lioness knows my little children of my past, my parts are being attacked and I my Lioness will rise and smite the attacker without mercy...
This brings to my mind the Indian Goddess Durga. She is called Mother (Mata) by her devotees but is also the Protector and Smiter of demons. Nothing to add just wanted to share this thought.


Here I am again all broken from trying to make a woman behave. (Wife, big difference.) 2 bad about that little mishap in the garden (Genesis 3,) which contains the entire spectrum of the relationship between men and women IMHO. Lol. They want you to fuk them before you get married and not after.

Eves outstanding characteristic is rebellion. Adam is a little coward who's afraid to cross her because if he does she won't let him fuk her anymore.

That's the rub. But what do I know? I've only been married 30 years. It's still fireworks in bed. I just have to tie myself in a knot to get it. ; )

So she's getting ready now to make another big mess and then be standing there at the end expecting me to clean it up or blaming me for it. I think I'll stop her this time which probably means divorce. A thirty year battle lol.

I just had a cancer scare. I still might have it in the prostate but they scared the crap out of me and I thought I had it in multiple places which would have been a death sentence pretty much or that was how I felt about it. My dad was only a couple years older than I am now when he died from it.