a fuzzy memory
I'm four, thereabouts. In a neighbors apartment. With another little boy. An older man is there. His dad I think. Pudgy, glasses. Laughing. My father comes in angrily. He and I walk home. I'm in my underwear, holding my clothes. Looking at the cracks in the sidewalk. My face feels hot.
There's something that happened before the SA in my early teens. And this is, funnily enough, about the only memory I have of my early childhood. But nothing else has ever come to me. And my father is not alive anymore. It's so hard to pick up the pieces and move on, fix the current acting out issues, when everything is such a blur. Even the perp in my teens - who was a pedophile and slept with me in the same small bed for six months, and had sex pictures everywhere.
I don't remember contact. I remember him begging me to have sex with him, and trying in a lighthearted, manipulative way several times - I refused...as far as I can remember. I'm drowning here. Financially close to utter ruin. And these memories cause me to behave like a robot, make unsound decisions. And nothing comes.
I really don't know how to fix faster than I am. The AA, therapy, etc. It's not fast enough. I don't see how I'm going to keep going. In fact I think my mind is forcing me to crash and burn and I can't stop it. Causing me to check out, to make mistakes, to cause my own destruction and force my family to leave me. And I don't know how to stop it. If only I could remember. And if not, I wish there was some way to heal without this understanding of my situation and my past.
On and on. With you, my brothers. What a miserable hand we've been dealt. Yet there must be a way to heal. It does makes fighters of us and I'm fighting tooth and nail, determined to beat this thing. But I can't heal fast enough. My life is a complete train wreck if examined closely, or honestly. A real disaster.
Onward. Peace to all.
There's something that happened before the SA in my early teens. And this is, funnily enough, about the only memory I have of my early childhood. But nothing else has ever come to me. And my father is not alive anymore. It's so hard to pick up the pieces and move on, fix the current acting out issues, when everything is such a blur. Even the perp in my teens - who was a pedophile and slept with me in the same small bed for six months, and had sex pictures everywhere.
I don't remember contact. I remember him begging me to have sex with him, and trying in a lighthearted, manipulative way several times - I refused...as far as I can remember. I'm drowning here. Financially close to utter ruin. And these memories cause me to behave like a robot, make unsound decisions. And nothing comes.
I really don't know how to fix faster than I am. The AA, therapy, etc. It's not fast enough. I don't see how I'm going to keep going. In fact I think my mind is forcing me to crash and burn and I can't stop it. Causing me to check out, to make mistakes, to cause my own destruction and force my family to leave me. And I don't know how to stop it. If only I could remember. And if not, I wish there was some way to heal without this understanding of my situation and my past.
On and on. With you, my brothers. What a miserable hand we've been dealt. Yet there must be a way to heal. It does makes fighters of us and I'm fighting tooth and nail, determined to beat this thing. But I can't heal fast enough. My life is a complete train wreck if examined closely, or honestly. A real disaster.
Onward. Peace to all.