a friend has betrayed my trust, bad night, and big trigger for me

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a friend has betrayed my trust, bad night, and big trigger for me
E

Em

Registrant
Having a bad night.

I'm starting to believe that there are no accidents. I've only started my recovery 3 weeks ago, and already there is so much change going on. I'm starting to see things for what they are and it's starting to feel like a little much.

I learned something today that now looking back I should have known. My best female friend, a friend I've had for 7 years, has betrayed my trust. I wont go into the many details, but I have learned with out any doubt today, that she is a drug addict. She is addicted to oxy contin, and i'm not sure what else. She is pregnant, and it is not the result of a rape as she has been telling me for months. I don't know just how deep her lies to me have run, but I have a feeling they are deep. I feel so stupid.

She has lied to me, and my family, she has been manipulating me for years. She has cost my many other friends and extreme stress. He behaviors now make more sense to me but they are terrible. I've lost a friend of 7 years, who is a pregnant drug addict. She was a friend only for my part I know realize. This is troubling to me because before I learned this today she is one of very few people who I told. Now I'm concerned. She can't be trusted.

I believe I can no longer be a part of her life in any way. I didn't know she had a secret life, i suspected at times but was always told that I was just being paranoid.

This is just a little too much. Everything I thought was the truth a month ago has changed, or at least can now be seen in the light. Much of this had been good, but this one, this is not.

I can't help her, i can't trust her. Now, i'm concerned about trusting all over again.

I'm just not sure how to feel or what to think right now. I seemed to be doing so well, and now i learn this.
 
Em,

Sorry you have this to add to your recovery. Remember taking care of your own well-being takes presidence over helping a friend with hers.

Drug usage and abusage is a travisty to ones own's self. It takes over and scrupples and common sense are tossed out.

The break in trust is a tough thing to take. It is a big issue with a lot of us. This break in trust only applies to this case. Please don't use this as an excuse not to trust others in the future. Judge each person on their own merits.

You are doing good, working in the right direction.

Take care,
Bill
 
em,
i promise i am not trying to sound quaint or superficial, but i want to say something that might sound like it at first glance. first off, the knowlege of someone you trusted betraying you, especially with information that you are just now starting to struggle with, is something that shakes anyone who has been there. the betrayal from our perps is one thing, and bad enough, but toss in our current people that we reach out to in hope and fear then be stomped on all over again makes that betrayal even worse. i still find myself reeling over the betrayal of my former wife three years ago at times. this is the part that might sound fishy at first glance. you said you were feeling you were making progress and just starting to face this with people you thought you could trust, now you don't know who or if you can trust again. you have made progress, never doubt that. once a victim becomes a survivor by starting on that journey of healing then the road to healing has definitely begun...never ever doubt that, em. here it is, you have made even more progress then you realize because you were able to accept that someone you thought you could trust is one you cannot. that is a major step towards self empowerment because you are no longer listening to those lies, you are starting to see truth, and that is a really big, big step. we are here for youy, em, and you are safe here. take care.
 
Em. Your trust has been betrayed by one individual. Just remember that fact and she obviously has isues that she cannot handle.
Em you have given us your trust and rest assured that it will not be betrayed here ever.

Please do not let this stall your healing and in confiding in those who you trust and feel will help support you. In my case, as I think with all survivors, we are terribly gun shy at trust because we do not want to be hurt again. But we have to do it if we want our self imposed prison is to crumble.
 
Em
the broken trust is a horrible thing to happen to anyone, even worse for a Survivor whose truat has been shattered in the worst way possible, so the actions of your friend are bound to cut deeply.

But try to focus on the positive's - even when they seem so few.
Firstly, you trusted yourself to share your problems with her. And trusting yourself to make that judgement is a major step you should feel proud of.

Secondly, once again you did nothing wrong. You shared your problem in good faith, not really expecting anything more than understanding and some empathy from a friend.
And it's she who has abused that friendship, not you.

It's ok and natural to feel hurt and betrayed, but don't feel guilty

Dave
 
Em - I hope I can give you some confidence:

If she does betray your trust and tells others what you have told her, I know that this can be a very frightening thought. I was terrified of telling anyone and thought that I would be badly judged if anyone new ( most of this subconscious).

I told 3 friends after 32 years (that's how long I was scared for)when I was drunk, I wanted to tell them but I didn't actually intend to...it just got to the point where it burst out...they were supportive and none judged me.

Recently (Dec 18th 2003) my head 'popped' and I had to tell more people (boss/co-workers/additonal friends)...they supported me and again, no one judged me. It hadn't been enough for me that 3 people were aware and sort of understood, I wanted to understand! I am lucky that if anyone does judge me in the future, there are enough people to tell them where to go.

The main thing here is for you to understand that you did nothing wrong - once you begin to understand and believe that, it is much more difficult for anyone else to hurt you.

As you stated you don't want to go into details of your 'friends' addiction or betrayal, but it sounds as though she has issues also (I am not judging here only observing).

Have belief in yourself, that is the important thing. I am not much further down the road to recovery than yourself, but don't concentrate on the one negative, look at the positive steps you are taking, and the support you have here.

Come on...I challenge you to overtake me on the road to recovery...have faith...Rik
 
I am so sorry thiw was just thrust on you as it has been. Drug addictions are terrible things that over-rule our morals so perhaps we lie, perhaps we don't all depends on the person and how far they will go to hide things.

Remember you come first, you need to take care of yourself. Trust is something we all have issues with, but this just shows that she is not trust worthy while on drugs, perhaps it was only because of the drugs, perhaps not, in time you may find out. But remember her actions do not mean that no one is trustworthy, there are people out there you can trust.

To be honest, I have betrayed a very good friends trust, but thankfully he has given me another chance. I know how terrible it must be, I learned from my friend. A betrayal of trust is a terrible thing, and one that you will have to work through along with the rest of your recovery. I wish you good luck, and remember to take care of yourself.

scott
 
Thanks for your responses. This is tough one for me. I feel betrayed by all of my friends lies, i feel angry for her unknowingly involving me into her world that she kept secret from me, i'm angry at her for betraying the trust of my family, i'm mad at myself for not listening to others when they warned me not to trust her, i'm angry at her for being a drug addict and all the terrible behaviors that go with it, i'm angry at her for doing what she's doing to her unborn baby. And i'm sad. A friend I thought i had for 7 years in a way didn't really exist, and what did exist i can never let back into my life.

She really wasn't a great friend, just one that i was very close to. I guess i used to think i deserved to have a friend like her. Someone very selfish.

Now i realize i deserve better. And that it's not selfish for me to put myself first for a change.

I guess there are no accidents, so many things beyond coincidence are happening all at once and all of them seem to be leading to my life changing. Changing for the better it feels like.

More and more i'm realizing that i was living such a lie for 20 years. At times even lieing to myself about what happened to me and all the ways i've been affected. The truth really can set you free sometimes. I feel like i've opened the door to my prison cell and i'm looking around past the bars, preparing to slowy walk out for good.

I can't do anything about what i've done with my time up to now. It's hard for me not to be filled with thousands of regrets. But i have to keep in mind that i can only do right with the time i have now.

I'll miss my friend. I'll never know how much of her was real and how much was a fraud that I fell for. I see things more clearly now, and i will try to trust myself to be a better judge of character and not be manipulated by anyone again. I will trust myself that i can handle trusting another person. I will soon try to forgive my friend, not for her, but for me. I can not help her. I do not have that power. Despite my anger i wish i could help her. But, for 7 years I couldn't even see her for what she was, so I am not the person that can save her. She needs to save herself, and i need to save myself. I will try not to feel guilty. Whenever I have fun, or do anything for myself, or even make choices that i know are in my best interest, i feel terrible guilt. I will keep telling myself that I shouldn't, that I do not have a reason to feel guilty.

I will try not to worry about what she does with the information I have told her about me. Others probably can see more clearly that I ever did that she is not honest, and so maybe she wouldn't have any credibility anyways. Besides, I told her only the truth, and it happened, i'm owning that, and it wont destroy me if that is known by anyone, even people I would never choose to tell.

sorry if I'm rambling a bit, i've been up all night thinking about this. I feel better after i post on here, and much better after i read other's replies. Thanks you. I'm going to put it out of my mind, get some sleep, and have a good day tomorrow.

Thanks guys,

Em
 
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