A flashback

A flashback
Bill_1965

Bill_1965

Registrant
What a flashback. I think Im coming out of it now.

Where did this one come from?

I relived the fear and visions of the underwear being torn off my ten year old body as I held on with all my might. I relived the lying there totally numb, paralyzed, unable to move, the first time he stuck his penis in my mouth. I relived the horror and terror of being raped. And the fears and panics that it will happen again. The feeling of being summoned just like a dog to come get this all over again, the fear and shame of what was about to happen again.

And for all this, I could not shed a tear. The tears were there, just waiting to come out, but they couldnt. Why can they come out for other reasons, but not for this? Is it that I have hidden these tears and memories deep within myself for so many years, I dont know how to let them out. Why are the memories coming, but not the tears?

Okay, it is not over. I was a bit premature in declaring I was coming out of it. But it seems manageable now. New visions and feelings and pains are still showing themselves. How I just want to be able to scream and then to cry.


Bill
 
Bill, flashbacks are so horrible to experience. It has been a curse of all who are traumatized that this stuff happens. PErhaps there are no tears because you are still to much in shock to cry.

Don't hesitate to call your therapist if the flashbacks are so real that you need to talk pronto.

Bob
 
Bill,

I don't know where it came from, but I know what reading your post brought up in me. I want to wring the neck of the person tugging that 10 year old's pants.

It's wrong that you should have this experience, that you should feel the need to cry and be denied your tears.

I hope things calm down for you. I hate the person who did this.

Joe
 
Bill, flashbacks are not fun are they? I am not sure what the reason is for having them. I wonder what my body is trying to tell me. Is it a healing thing or not? I hope something positive is comming out of the flashbacks.
 
A day later, they have passed. The fears have subsided. :)

I have come out of it with a little more understanding of what happened, and a knowledge that I dont remember all of it.

With perp #1, tearing off my underwear as I held on with all my strength. I laid there in fear, still holding on to the elastic of my underwear, the only remaining piece that wasnt torn off, as he masturbated. I never did let go of that elastic. This is all I remember of about three months of abuse.

With perp #2, some of the deeply hidden feelings and memories have appeared. The mind control he had over me. The if I didnt go in the room willing how it was pure rape. At about 13 when I finally found the strength to tell him to stop, he escalated it to another level, there went the strength. How I was a little puppy trained to serve him or be punished. How he had this power over me for 7-8 years. Thank god, I finally found the strength to separate myself from him as a sexual servant/slave.

Damn flashbacks. Your right Michael, they are not fun. But there is something to be learned there. I am seeing how I was being used and abused and controlled. Now to put this to good use and forgive myself for it. :confused:

Bill
 
Bill,

Sorry you are having to go thru the pain of the flashbacks. Very unpleasant, very draining. However I do believe that dealing with the memories is like cleaning a wound so it can heal. It takes a little time but healing does happen.

Hang in there. It takes courage and it takes strength and you seem to be applying both.

We are all pulling for you.

Gary
 
Bill: Flashbacks. Not pleasant ever. It is like seeing a horrible movie except with sound and pain.

Damn flashbacks. Your right Michael, they are not fun. But there is something to be learned there. I am seeing how I was being used and abused and controlled. Now to put this to good use and forgive myself for it
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Bill you got it right. You are learning that it was never your fault not ever. In reality there is nothing to forgive except that you blamed yourself. Now you know without a shadow of a doubt who's fault it was. And that makes you stronger Bill. Guess what!!! You are in control now. Aint it a great feeling. His effen future is up to you. Just think about that and let it really sink in. There is no sin or shame attached to you at all.
 
hey bill you may have just hit on what triggers the desire to abuse myself as i was abused in my early childhood. the thoughts of what happened to me by my grandmother at the time i thought it was the right thing for grownups to do as they are supposed to teach and lead, and love us. but as i grew older the things that were done to me in early life seemed to be ok for me to continue later in life as if i had been programed by some one who loved me very much. your story on flashbacks was amazing as i never thought of that as triggering mechanizm but i can now see where it surely could be sorry the things that happened to you were so damn bad and most of all NOT YOUR FAULT BY NO MEANS your story surely helps me to aleast understand some things that were awful cloudy in my mind as i had not thought of flashbacks of what happened to me thanks bill from the duke
 
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