A few more thoughts about being drugged and raped <triggers, drugs rape>

Two things have come to me. One was a point during the experience, where I was in and out of consciousness, was the rapist being very concerned that I was in danger. He told me I had drank too much, that I needed to wake up, but now I know that wasn't true, but the mix of GHB (which was legal in 1987) and alcohol is extremely unpredictable and potentially lethal. It can have a very serious affect on suppressing breathing. I think he came very close to killing me, I never had a very good tolerance for drugs. Almost anything puts me to sleep, two benedryl and I am down for the count. When he took me back into the room I remember him laying me down on the floor on my left side, and telling me to stay like that so I wouldn't die if I threw up in my sleep.
I once took a muscle relaxant for back pain and I spent the rest of the evening in a panic because the my body wasn't moving like I was telling it to and it reminded me of being drugged by my rapist.
The second was I think I repeated the rape with others when I first really became sexually active. I liked all of kinds of things but I really wanted guys to fuck me while I was face down completely passive with the weight of their body pressing down on mine. (pretty boring right). I think now that it was an attempt to reinact that night, I think I vaguely remember the feeling the weight of my rapists body pressing on me that night. (It's all just tiny bits and pieces) I think trying to reenact aspects of the abuse is a way of trying to gain control over it or integrate it more fully. I reenacted some parts of my abuse on myself as a teenager as part of my sexual self-exploration. I felt a lot of shame about that and believed it just proved how messed up and bad I was.
I've still got a lot of work to do around that teenaged me. He tried his best to make sense of things all alone , but he got a lot wrong, those beliefs still creep in to my life in subtle ways.


I know what you mean, this happened to me in about 1977. In central America. You describe the disruption of your memory well. It's like not only your body was attacked but your mind also. I have memories but then blank spaces and the levels of confusion seems to have gone up and down during the experience. At one point I seem to have forgotten what was going on completely I remember staring out the window at this huge full moon. It was amazing. Then I looked down and saw another moon, much smaller and that Really confused me. I had to go through several scenarios in my mind to try and figure out why I was seeing two moons . I realized each scenario was flawed until I heard this strange wet sucking noise and I realized that the second moon was a reflection on a bald head. That grossed me out! That night was bad enough but the after effects were awful too. And much longer lasting. Thank you for posting this, I really recognized my own experience in your words