a different post

a different post
D

Denny

Registrant
i was reading the post on news headline from shadowkid and it reminded me of my stepfather because that's just how he ran things around here, just like its one of those boot camps. he's in the military. he made it seem like he was just wanting to run things the right way around the house but really i believe it was an excuse to hurt us. everything had to be absolutley perfect, in order, clean, on time and done his way or else theres hell to pay. outside work no matter how hot or cold or raining and have to work until its completely done and meets his specifications. no food no water nothing until you're done and its perfect. being punished was things like being starved or having to stand there and he yells in your face with all insults for hours, or push ups more then anybody could ever do, then getting whipped with his belt, having to kneel on the heating grate on bare knees for a long time, having to clean his boots with my mouth and a whole bunch of other things that hurt physically and mentally. a bunch of other things that i cant talk about, i hope that is ok. then he drank a lot too and thats when the real physical abuse and sexual things would happen to us. i'm afraid to talk about that. hes really crazy and dangerous.
but he always punished us somehow and made it be punishment according to what crime you did. so it was always my fault.
i'm sorry for such a long message here, i could go on and on and on.
denny
 
Denny,

Your stepfather was a brutal control freak with no happiness in his life beyond the "thrill" of abuse. Physical, emotional and verbal abuse were all there for a long time before he harmed you sexually, and what he did was terrorize you into accepting the idea that you were bad and deserving of punishment - even to the extent of licking his boots. What a bastard.

I hope you don't think any of this was really your fault. You may have submitted to abuse, but you did so after this guy destroyed your self-esteem and had terrorized you to such an extent that there seemed to be no safety except in doing what he said. It really is the ultimate betrayal of a boy's trust.

You don't need to apologize for the length of your posts - long, short, it's all good! The important thing is to say what you need to say.

Much love,
Larry
 
wow, i never heard anyone talk about him like that. it's all things that i've thought but wouldnt ever say out loud. i'm not sure how to feel about all of it really, i agree totally that hes a control freak and his idea of punishing somebody is way beyond brutal, but as far as for you saying you hope i don't think any of it was my fault, well i do believe some of it was, i did things or didn't do things that made him act a certain way. or i knew when i didn't do a good enough job on something what was at stake. it's true mostly i just did what i had to do so it wouldnt be so bad, but he never knew that, he thought i did things and submitted to him because i liked it. that was a bad trap to get into, once he thought i liked it he never wanted to stop.
 
Denny,

he thought i did things and submitted to him because i liked it.
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That's what he WANTED you to think. Abusers are experts at that. They manipulate and groom a boy so skillfully that the boy will finally believe anything and do anything. I know you have examples that you feel prove you were guilty, but I bet they are things we have seen before. An abuser is very good at molesting a boy and then getting him to think it was all his (the boy's) fault, and even his idea in the first place.

As you see things on this site you will find others talking about exactly that. Not just here and there, but over and over again. That abusers can abuse boys and then twist things around like this just illustrates their power over the boy. The victim is, after all, just a kid.

Much love,
Larry
 
Denny, you didn't stand a chance with your stepfather. A person like that would have found something, anything, to use to show you how you did wrong regardless of what you did. He would have been dissapointed if you did, in fact, do everything just perfectly.
 
I hope you're out of the house and outside of his unkindly influences. Control freaks, I'll NEVER understand them.

Don't EVER think that it was your fault or that you wanted it! Ok?
 
Denny,

I'm so sorry those things happened to you. You didn't deserve any of it. That bastard was so good at what he did that he convinced you that things were your fault. Trust me when I say they weren't. Abuse of any kind is NEVER the child's fault. It does not matter what little or big thing the child supposedly did wrong. Abuse is evil and sick. It was not your fault.

Every child deserves a safe and happy home. Many of us here never had that and we learned to blame ourselves. It's taken us years or even decades to learn that. You've come to the right spot. You'll find much of the support you need here.

Safe Hugs,

John
 
i can think of all kinds of reasons why he had to do some things that he did but i can also think of all kinds of reasons why he didnt have to do certain things to me. most of the things he did because he loved me and he just wanted me to do the right thing and grow up and be a man. but some things, i just don't know, he scared me a lot, i'm really confused about a lot, i have a lot of questions.
denny
 
i did things or didn't do things that made him act a certain way.
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It's physically impossible for a boy to force a grownup to "act a certain way". Adults have free choice. My sister told my dad one time that he used to scare us, and he said he was glad, that he wanted us to be afraid. That was his choice. And if you think about it from an adult point of view, could a child EVER force you to be abusive to him? I don't think so.

My dad reminds me of the husband on the movie "Sleeping With The Enemy". Well, now I'm the one hanging the towels crooked in the bathroom on purpose. We don't have to be under their control anymore.

Peace.
 
no, i know i didn't force him to act in any way, what i meant was, i didn't do things the right way knowing what he expected and knowing he would be mad, and i slacked off anyway.
denny
 
Denny, my father was not a military man. Actually, he was far from it, but he did have some hard expectations from me. Most of my childhood memories of him is either him hitting me, laughing at me, or scaring me. I remember once he asked me to do something and because I didn't do it fast enough he broke a limb off a tree and whipped me with it. I remember telling him he must hate me and that I hated him several times when I was growing up. His response: he just laughed. I think that he feels guilty about the things he used to do me. All though he never SA me, he physically and emotionally abused me. I am almost 31 years old and to this day I cannot walk across a room or down a hall way without the light being on because he used to jump out and scare me a lot. Several times he used to send me outside at night and wouldn't let me turn the light on and then he would sneak out the back door and come around just to scare me. I think it had a lot to do with his idea of teaching me not to be afraid of the dark. The reason I say I think he feels guilty is because after I became old enough to drive he bought me a car and after I moved out anytime I asked for anything he did his best to get it for me. I think that because of my SA I didn't want anything to do with him even though he wasn't the one to do it. I think I took my anger out on him which completly alienated us from having a relationship when I was growing up. I talk to my father now, but we are not really close like he is with my brother. My dad likes to hunt and fish and I think the reason I didn't want to do any of those things is because I didn't want to be alone with him. That's weird, because I've never said that out loud before. I guess reading everyone's posts is helping me to analyze a lot of my feelings. Denny, I wish your dad knew how to be a father. I'm sure by what you are saying that it doesn't really matter what you do or don't do, I think he would have treated you the same. Please don't put the blame on yourself, he is the adult and he should know what he is doing is wrong. No child, or adult for that matter, should be treated that way.

Take care and know you are in my prayers
 
this is all bringing up a lot of thoughts and memorys but i'm so confused about everything, i don't know what to think. :(
 
proteus i'm sorry he treated you bad, mine was the same way, what you said about hitting you with a tree limb, mine did that to me to, he would make me chose what i wanted him to beat me with and they all looked like bad weapons to me, then if i had like 3 things to chose from and i couldnt chose one he would beat me with all 3 things and that would be my fault. then one time i was suppose to clean the bathroom but i didnt do a good enough job at it, he got the bleach cleaner stuff and he splashed it in my eyes, then when i was crying because that stung real bad he got violent and asked if i wanted it washed out, of course i said yes sir, so he grabbed me by the neck and shoved my head down in the toilet and he held me there, i thought he was going to drown me.
i'm sorry if i said to much there.
do you wish you were close to him now?
denny
 
wow i thought my dad was the biggest asshole in the world ,sounds like hes got company ,but if you think about it ,if its your dad hes supposed to still love you even if you fuck up everytime right? its supposed to be like instinct ,even animals love their young and take care of them protect them . these guys are seriously fucked up ,we are screwed up from what they did to us ,but we cab get better ,they are doomed to be assholes forever. it hurts so much more cause they are supposed to be like other dads but their not,my dad is pure evil ,just be glad we are not like them. shadow
 
thats just what i thought, that he's supposed to love me and be ok when i screw up and do everything wrong. i'm sorry that yours was mean too, i wish he wasn't, but yes glad we're not like them.
 
Denny,

A real father makes sure his son understands that while his Dad may not approve of the things the boy or young man does, he still loves his son unconditionally and will always be there for him.

I know it will be painful for you to face how totally your stepfather failed you, and I have noticed you saying several times that you are sorry for having said "too much". But really, you AREN'T saying too much. You are saying exactly what YOU need to say, so that's what you should do.

That's what we all do here, and when we welcome you we hope that you will do the same. Keep safe, of course, and don't try to do things too fast. But anything and everything you say here will be understood, believed, and accepted as important.

Much love,
Larry
 
My father was a control freak and for every rule you figured out, he'd change it. He made them up on the spot. Here's some of the ways that my father controlled us. He was a control freak. There wasn't much nor anyone else could do about it. Hope what I'm writing here helps you to know you're not alone. And sometimes the way we see things about how we grew up is for our own protection until we get strong enough to allow ourselves to see a different view.

I remember getting beat when I was putting silverware away wrong in the silverware drawer and I was only 8 years old.

I remember being beat because I was playing around with the front door and accidently locked it after going outside.

I remember moving wrong or whispering something to one of my brothers only to have a belt taken to me down in the church bathroom of the basement.

When I was 5, I remember getting kicked hard in the butt because I didn't get dishes clean when I was supposed to wash them.

When my older brother screwed up and got in a fight with my younger brother while my parents were gone, my older brother called the minister to talk to someone. When my parents found out after they had gotten home at 2am that night, they woke all 3 of us and beat us all. I had nothing to do with this.

We were not allowed to go to dances because that meant you might have sex with someone.

My two brothers could date, but I was not allowed to (my father was keeping me for himself).

We could not go to a resturant that served alcohol because if someone saw us they would think we were alcoholics.

We could not take a shower except on Saturday nights before we went to church on Sunday morning and we lived on a farm.

I was required to know exactly what my father wanted, when he wanted it and how he wanted it. Anything less, meant I got beat.

If I got beat and I cried, I got beat harder. If I didn't cry, I got beat harder.

If I didn't do what my father wanted, I got told how bad of a kid I was and how much I didn't love my parents. If that didn't work, you would get the silent treatment.

I could keep going here for some time if I really thought about it. Like I said at the beginning, we protect ourselves until we are ready to deal with things because at the time these things were too horrible. We can rationalize everything all we want but in the end, the way we were treated was not the way a kid should be treated.

There is hope though and with time, courage, support and determination you can heal. I still struggle with the silent effects of all of this but I'm slowly reclaiming my life.

I just wanted you to know that you weren't alone. There are others who have been through similar things and we understand.

Don
 
Denny, to anwser your question, "do you wish you were close to him now?" In a way I do, but just because I feel like I missed what it was like having a father in my life when I was growing up. I wish my father would have been different. I wish he would have been the father he was to my brother instead of the father he was to me. I remember seeing boys I knew with their dads, seeing dads on TV, seeing my own next door neighbor with his dad and wondering why my dad couldn't be like that. I don't think my father even remembers the things he did to me. I have never brought the subject up and I think it would cause more problems that it would solve if I did. The last time I had a real open conversation with my dad was on Father's Day this year when out of no where I started talking about my feelings about wanting to be a father and not being able to ever be one. I believe that my father has changed some what since I was a child. As I grew older, he grew older, my sisters and brother came along. He changed. Just my luck he changed for them, but not for me.
 
I remember putting dirt on my cousin's dog. My dad beat me so hard I wet my pants, but he wouldn't let me change. He made me go to town with him, and I remember being so embarrassed because of the smell in the car.

I remember joking that I wouldn't help paint my bedroom. The next thing I knew he was on me, screaming, slamming my head into the couch, and there was blood all over my mouth.

Every door had to remain open at all times so he could see what I was doing. The bathroom door could not be locked. We were allowed a certain number of squares of toilet paper. One time he just walked into the bathtub to join me taking a shower as a teen. I freaked and bailed out. He couldn't understand why I had such a need for privacy. Maybe because he controlled my every waking moment?

Sometimes I feel the loss, but not for what I did have. The loss is what I didn't get to have. My dad has supposedly changed, too, with age. I don't believe it, though. I've been told here many times, and I believe it--we don't owe our abusers anything. There are men out there, good father figures. I've met a few. They're good friends whom I can talk to and who actually care about me. They fill the void that never will be my father.
 
This thread is amazing. The brutality is overwhelming. People just don't know that all this is going on and that it's as common as it is. How you all survived is a miracle to me and a tribute to the strength/utter will to survive of children. I am just left devastated by what happened to all of you, and how you had to live. I was sexually abused, but not physically abused like you were. The constant threat of violence must have been horrible. I am so sorry. Bobby
 
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