A cut below

[Koveri]

I'm dealing with something I haven't seen discussed on this forum. Yet anyway. Maybe it isn't a CSA issue.

Like most of us I have several bad compulsions. One is to drink too much. That doesn't seem out of the ordinary. However, I have another long time compulsion that I haven't seen mentioned. I have been cutting myself on not so rare occasions. It's not a suicidal thing at all. I cut to bleed, but not my wrist or anything vital. I cut my scrotum just enough for an issue of blood. Why, I don't know. I remember five different perps growing up but I don't remember any of them doing this to me. The dumb thing is, I enjoy the sting of the pain. I've just, in this past year, started to remember/face all of my childhood shit, so maybe this compulsion will go away in time. I feel like an idiot after I've done it and makes for laundry problems, too.

So just wondering if this is a not so uncommon thing with CSA or if this might be related to the physical abuse when I was 4 (which was before the CSA 5-15). Anyone with a similar experience?

Koveri

 

[Trevor]

ya i cut myself to
cuz it helps the pain in my
head go away and it makes
me feel real

 

[reality2k4]

Dont cut down there, the infection rate is pretty bad, and you may not be a strong enough guy to ask for emergency services.

You can lose the manhood you have by doing it, and maybe that is the problem.
You need to address it pretty quick, and find some other way of addressing this guilt.

Please be careful,

ste

 

[John Oarc]

I have never done this but I have worked with patients who have. Something that I find interesting with this has to do with mood altering. Changing the external to alter the internal turmoil.

Please don't take this wrong I am only using this as a comparison because it is all I have to work with.

I worked in a mental illness facility and we had some people that would perform self injurous behavior to experience anything other than silence or a stressful task. Some people would slam their head into a wall, and it was explained to me that these people would expereince seeing stars or lights and that seems to be mood altering to me. These people were blind, mute and deaf so it was a way to experience something. Tactile, visual, any means to stimulate the mind into another place away from mental pain and anquish.

If you think about it, smoking, drinking, anything that we do that we know will cause harm is a self destructive process. It is slower than the other more invasive means but it is no different in my humble opinion.

Changing the mood seems to be the need, I am not sure but shame seems to be the fuel driving the need to harm ones self.

I hope this helps,

 

[Koveri]

I know I cut myself much more when my head feels like it is going to explode. There is immense pressure inside, like an overinflated tyre. Getting drunk also helps the pain. Maybe I cut because it moves the pain to a different spot. I don't know. Maybe the pain from cutting is under my control (unlike the headache). I need to have some kind of control over what I feel. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like there is this huge reservoir of thick shit inside me and I want to get it out. I want to drain it like blood. I don't know. Am I after the pain or the blood? I don't know. The therapist I'm seeing never wants to talk about the CSA. He's more into trying to get me to change my risky sexual behaviour.

No risk of losing my manhood. There is no manhood to lose. I was neutered (sterilized) when I was 27. The cost of it was my wedding gift from my parents. After the wedding (I was married a virgin) I realized that I wasn't capable of having sex with a woman. I just went all numb. (We get the prize for the worst honeymoon in history!) So, the sterilization was all in vain anyway. (Wish I had the money now.) I knew from past experience that the plumbing worked fine with men so I went back to that direction. (I still deeply love her as a person/friend.) However, women, as sexual beings, are still repugnant. I can't stand to look at female porn; makes me want to puke. At this point my sex life is sort of stuck with anonymous encounters with men. I think I want an emotional relationship with a woman but she will invariably want more.

BTW- Don't worry. I'm not cutting deep enough that the bleeding doesn't stop on its own. I'm not at risk of bleeding to death.

Koveri

 

[Brian]

Koveri,

Although I have never had to deal with "cutting", there are many here at Male Survivor that have (and still do). It is not as uncommon as you think. You are not alone.

Dallas is a big city. I would suggest that you look around for a new therapist who specializes in CSA if you feel like this one is not the right one for you. The right counselor can make a HUGE difference!

When I first started thinking about therapy, I wanted to go to Dr. N. He was a psycholgist that was extremely well regarded in my community but he was booked solid and was not accepting new patients. So I saw two others that I didn't feel like I was going anywhere with. One was just like yours, who wanted to focus on behavior; the other was just a freakin dork! I was very excited when Dr. N. finally agreed to work with me (but he didn't specialize in CSA). After working with him a year, I was no closer to recovery so I stopped seeing him.

I've been seeing my presnt T for 4 years now. He specializes in CSA and my life has never been better! He doesn't have nearly the amount of credetials or the number of letters behind his name as Dr. N., but I feel like I have been blessed to have finally found the right therapist for me!

Yes, Recovery is Very Possible!

Brian

 

[Koveri]

Here's the catch. I'm poor, self-employed and not insured. That limits my options considerably. Also, because of visa issues, I need to leave the US by July 07 and go back to SE Asia where I work. (I'm currently on a sabbatical.) So, whatever help I get has to be in the next few months. I just hope it is enough time to get through it all and get healed.

Koveri

 

[Trevor]

soapybubbles u sound like
my shrink

 

[Koveri]

I appreciate the concern and the suggestions. I've got a rubber band now. But I think part of the issue is WHERE I want the pain to be. I suppose snapping the scrotum with a rubber band is safe???

 

[Paul1959]

Koveri,
Call your county mental health clinich, or call the rape crisis line. They have FREE counseling and therapists for you. You can be male, not be in a crisis mode, but the fact that you were abused makes you eligible for help.

Here is the phone number. I got it off the internet.
Rape Crisis and Child Sexual Abuse Center, Dallas County: Crisis intervention and support for victims of sexual assault, their families and friends. (Free) 214-590-0430
Call them. they will help.
Paul