A cry for help.

A cry for help.
M

mark250676

Registrant
I'm not sure whether this will go down as another mistake in my life but at this point in time I feel I need to grasp every chance of help.

I was sexually abused at the age of 7 by a male neighbour and kept this to myself for 20 years. I distanced myself from my loving family and the relationships all but dissappeared. I could only hold this in for so long and after 20 years destructive behaviours started to take over my life. I had built a stable life with a wife and one child whilst carrying on as if the abuse hadn't happened. I love my daughter dearly and my wife has been a great source of support. When I first tried to tell her what had happened to me as a child she thought I was trying to say that I was gay and so I closed up for another 2 years. When I tried again she understood and I told my parents. They still live next door to the family of the abuser. Although they were supportive in their response they didn't understand and still live next door to the family. I wanted them to rip their heads off and at least get angry. They didn't. My self destructive behaviours continued and in 2002 I was arrested, for a crime I didn't commit but a knock at the door at 7.15 still has the same effect! As a social worker I was suspended for 6 months. All of a sudden it seemed as if the world was saying I was a bad person and the arrest was just contniuing the abuse. After no charges or evidence was presented I retunred to work but. During the time off work I thought of suicide and my consellor at the time jokingly said at the end of a session 'don't go near any needles before we next meet!' I had thought of injecting oxygen into my blood stream and this one remark left me devistated. Since this time I have seen other thrapists and since found out my Mother rejected me as a child as she suffered from post natal depression. This was an insight I didn't really want but it explained why she wasn't able to spot the abuse when it happened as we never really bonded. But why didn't my sisters!? I've tested my marriage to the limit by having affairs to prove their is nothing wrong with me sexually. I'm on 30 mg of citolapram for chronic depression. But I can't move forward. I'm nearly 30 and I can't go on feeling like this! Therapy hasn't worked. My family don't understand. I now use drink to continue the abuse myself and give my family another chance to rescue me to make up for the fact they didn't when I was 7. I know this is acting like a child but that child is still inside me in shock!

Please help.

Mark
 
Mark,

I'm glad you have come to Male Survivor and I hope you will participate in our discussions as you come to feel more comfortable here.

There is so much that could be said to you regarding your post, but for now can I just hit the main points? Everything you mention has been seen here before; talk about anything you need to, and know you will be supported and understood.

As to your family, well, you will want to talk about that, but remember that 20 years ago the abuse of boys was not yet on the radar of the police, medical profession or social workers. Many families would not have known because they were not aware that there was a problem or threat to beware of. It's quite common for a boy to be abused while his family remains entirely unaware of what is going on.

Above all, don't give up hope. There are ways forward and it is possible to recover. It takes a lot of work, but many survivors do get their lives back.

Much love,
Larry
 
Hi Mark

I'm just as old as you, I was abused when I was 5 or so, its hard to remember. But it is one of my first memories. It was my cousin and I am bearly starting down my own path toward recovery. They say realizing you have a problem is the first step, so welcome. Of course this isn't a problem, this was the destruction of your youth, the taking of innocence and of possiblity. This was abuse and you and I were victims. I still say victim , sorry but I'm not far enough along in recover to be called anything else. I don't write much on the board, I still have fits of denial that are tempered by rage and anger. I believe that I'm strong and I can handle it, that I can solve it without help, but thats wrong. We are stronger together than apart, like an army, no one can do it alone. I've always felt like something was wrong, that something inside of me was wrong. So I drank it away, I drank to forget, to accept, I drank to find strength. Turn out I'm not alone, so I think that since we are not alone, we are strong. More so we survived, we made lives, no matter what they are they are lives and we can change them into better lives. But its slow,
And painful.
Take it one step at a time, and you'll be OK.
Plus I've discovered that there is nothing wrong with me, what was done to me was wrong, but not me. I'm better than that and soon that feeling willl be more than just words, if I let it be. You can do the same.

Kevin

"if you can't walk, crawl
and if you can't crawl, find someone who will carry you"
 
Mark,

Welcome to Male Survivor. As Larry (Roadrunner) said, you raise many issues in your post. Id like to reiterate again from somebody else you will find many guys here (myself included) that can relate to so much, if not all of what you have expressed.

As you can, read the posts. Although it can be distressing to read of the carnage in others peoples lives, it also helps in seeing that you are not some uniquely screwed up individual by feeling and acting the way you do. The abuse done to us has an amazing level of similarity it the damage it does to us and the effects it also has in so many areas of our life.

As youve probably found by now, most people dont understand the dynamics of abuse especially those who wed dearly love to understand the most: spouses and loved ones.

Can I say that you have already taken a huge step in divulging to your parents. That is such a big thing to do (I havent done that yet not sure if I ever will). Its a personal decision for each person and is a risk one that you boldly took and from what youve said it actually went well.

Many times when you disclose to others they may not believe. Your parents did believe, even if they didnt respond in the way in which you may have preferred. Without speaking on their behalf, all I can say is that perhaps their lack of action may be due to their lack of understanding again about the issues in your life. They most probably think it was so long ago and surely you must be over it by now and it must no longer affect you. We all know thats not true. That was a big step Mark. Well done!

Stick around and I look forward to getting to know you better over time.
 
Mark,

Welcome to Male Survivor. I'm glad you found this place, but truly sorry for the reason you need it.

I, too, was abused by a neighbor at about 7 years old. I was subject to emotional and physical abuse in my own home. Long story short, My life was left in ruins by it all.

I have to give my little guy credit tho. He got me through. He kept me alive and for the most part my life outlook was pretty good and I had fun.

2+ years ago, I began remembering all this stuff which I had repressed for decades. It's been a roller coaster ride since, but I'm glad that I am on the path to recovery.

I just want to encourage you to hang in there, and to make good use of this website. You'll find understanding here. You'll find that you are listened to and that we care about what happened to you, and your recovery from that terrible thing.

Lots of love,

John
 
Mark,

Welcome to MS. I have found this to be a place filled with supportive and caring individuals. I hope you find it to be the same.

I too, was abused by a neighbor, started at about age 10 - 11. Kept it in for more than 20 years then 17 years ago my life fell apart. I tell you this to let you know that you are not alone.

Read as much as you want here. Post as much and as often as you feel the need. You will find support which will help you to heal and grow, anyway, that has ben my ecperience.

Hang in there my friend, because you are worth it.

Love ya

Darrel
 
Mark,

What struck me immediately from your post was your final statement, " I now use ....continue the abuse myself and give my family another chance to rescue me to make up for the fact they didn't when I was 7....the child lies locked inside me..."

That is so true for most of us, who are trapped in the cycle of abuse replay, and it is self perpetuated as we dont have enough tools to handle this pain. Instead we all want someone else to come forward and claim us. We are looking for a saviour in a way.

Not realising that no one else can help us, if we ourselves choose to ignore our pain. Now I know the importance of feeling the pain for myself, in every situation. Because what I feel is released from my system instantly and what you dont remains stuck in forever, till decide to feel it again. So the choice of freedom always remains with me.

And yes, while we are feeling, it always helps to remember that this just a feeling, and not me.
 
Hi Mark

Welcome to MS from another Brit, although I am sorry that you had to sought us out. I told my father of my abuse and he didnt blink an eyelid, nothing, not even recognition that I had indeed been abused. I was fifty in December and for most of my adult life from the age of fifteen/sixteen I was drunk or too stoned to acknowledge my abuse. I got sober and clean ten years ago and everything seemed to fall into place, today I am strong in my recovery (famous last words) and I will support you in anyway I can as will the rest of the guys here.

Stick around, ask questions when you feel like it, there are no judges in this organisation, there cant be, as we have all been there one way or another.

Take it easy, there is no mad rush, it took a long time to get us the way we are and its going to take a little time to sort it all out.

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
Mark,

Welcome to MS. Like all of us, I wish you were never in the position to come looking but am glad that you did find us.

Just want to echo what the others have already said and to remind you that you are no longer alone. There is a great deal of healing that goes on here. We each have our own pace and our own path to follow. There aren't any "star survivors" on the discussion board. We're as different as night and day and as alike as peas in a pod, if that makes any sense.

Post whatever and whenever you want. Read as much as you care to and remember to take good care of yourself because you are indeed worth it.

I wish you well on your journey to recovery.

Best regards,

Zipser
 
I wrote my first message with concerns as to what the response would be. If anything I think no response would have been the worst result, I've kind of got used to people saying I should just forget it or not being understood.

I have to say I've been overwhelmed by the support, understanding and love that has come back at me. I really don't know what to make of it. I've tried reading books but always felt other people had it worse than me and as my dad has said before 'I should just put up and shut up'. But you all seem to understand the utter destruction this abuse can bring on and the desperate fight I find myself in to stop it destroying me.

Someone else mentioned rage. This is quite a new experience with me but I find it playing an increasing part in my life. Often small things will make my whole existance feel threatened and I go head long into a fight or flight mechanism. I was recently with my family on a shopping trip and for an obscure reason I felt extremely vulnerable and as if I had a neon sign above my head saying I was the type of person that could be abused. I had to run and get away from my family. People could do it to me again but I didn't want them to get my kids. The scared child in me ran. I meet up with my wife and 2 kids an hour later. She hadn't seen the little kid in me trying to protect her and my kids, she had seen her husband and father to her kids run away.

Thanks again for your support. Everyone of you has made a difference to me and I hope I can repay that.
 
i just wanted to add that for me this healing thing is like a roller coaster ,dont be surprised if one day you feel like it;s gonna be ok then the next it feels like i can never make it through this ,i guess the trick is to get to a place where the good days outnumber the bad ones . i know that being here has given me lots more good days adam
 
I have seen that this habit of labelling of moments or days as good or bad can be very taxing eventually, as once you start enjoying good days you would rather stick to them and subconsciously try to avoid a bad ones AT ANY COST, and soon you start dreading them when just having a bad day could kill you as you presume that just because you are having a bad day, it means mean that you are destined to have a bad life.

Days, events, moments, and years are just passage of time.

Sometimes looking back I feel what I thought as my worst period was actually my most learning period, so it is all relative afterall.

These days, I like to say I am feeling fine, RIGHT NOW!
 
welcome, and you have found a good place to start. i remember when i first came here. my wife didnt know at that point. heck, i had barely remembered it after blocking it out most of my life. this is the place that gave me the courage to come out, and to get the help i needed. this is a good place to start.
 
Mark

"I was recently with my family on a shopping trip and for an obscure reason I felt extremely vulnerable and as if I had a neon sign above my head saying I was the type of person that could be abused".

I think I can safely say that a lot of us (if not most of us) have experienced this feeling.

I always thought I had the word "abused" tattooed on my forhead

Yes I can identify with the mentioning of that word "rage", my anger fueled by my alcoholism got me into so much trouble and I have hurt many people not only through my physical attacks but through emotional violence and my internalising of that anger. Now I am a few years away from my last drink I can see why I was so angry, it may have been caused by a dysfunctional, unsupportive family, it may have been cause by the abuse that was inflicted on me. Personally i think a lot of my anger was down to pure fear. Pure fear through the thought of others finding out what had happened to me, its back to that commonly used word Shame.

Today I have no shame with regards my abuse therefore the anger has dissipated and I now channel what negative (and positive) energies I have into something worthwhile, but it did help me attending an anger management course last year.

Regards

Kirk
"Lets grab this bull by the horns and swing it about a bit"
 
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