A Bit of Self Forgiveness
Hey guys. Just wanted to share a little about what is going on with me. Had a very emotional counseling session last night. I read a piece of writing I did Saturday night that was written while in a very dark and depressed state of mind. It was kind of a symbolic summary of my life and how I've dealt with some of the effects of CSA. It hurt and I was afraid to read it but I needed to feel what it was about with my counselor. I also really wanted her to hear it and get her feedback on the writing (she's a writer). I almost could not get through it. It was very sad and I was felt the shame of the things I have done, but it was very cleansing in a way. Her response, as she choked back her own tears, was "Let's just cry for a few minutes. That's what we're supposed to do now." We talked a little about what I was feeling and what some of the significant parts were for me, then she wanted to read it to me. I was completely thrown and felt a bit uncomfortable with the idea, but I just listened. I got the sense of listening to someone else's story, and gained a whole different perspective. I saw myself through this perspective (as another person) with some compassion for the sadness, loneliness, and pain that's been a part of me for 25 years. And for the first time I felt some forgiveness, self-forgiveness, for some of the pain I've caused myself and others in trying to live with what happened to me. That's one of the most painful and uncomfortably foreign feelings I can remember. But we talked through it and a by the end of the session, though very exhausted, I felt a sense of calm and "grounded-ness" that I don't think I've ever felt before. On the way home I thought I should share what happened, not only to let you guys know about me but maybe another one of us can get some hope from it.
I also heard back today from a counselor in town who runs a therapy group for male CSA survivors. Since I've been reading here and talking to my counselor about "What Next?", I really look forward to (almost crave) hearing and sharing with other men like me in person. I'm calling him back tomorrow morning to find out more details. Thanks for letting me share.
I also heard back today from a counselor in town who runs a therapy group for male CSA survivors. Since I've been reading here and talking to my counselor about "What Next?", I really look forward to (almost crave) hearing and sharing with other men like me in person. I'm calling him back tomorrow morning to find out more details. Thanks for letting me share.
