a bit of a rough week

a bit of a rough week
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parttimecop

Registrant
Not that I am struggling with depression like in my teens, but I seem to be stumbling this week. I have seriously strayed on my diet. And my porn addiction seems to be trying to grab hold of me again. Part of that is because I feel somewhat despondant about ever finding a woman.

I feel like no woman I want will want me. There is this one woman I have been on a few dates with, but she does interest me in that way. Maybe as a friend, but I just don't feel that spark of interest. She is nice and ok i guess, but not what I am looking for in a woman. And that makes me feel like a shallow prick. She is a good person, but not attractive to me. It makes me feel so shallow.

I have gained 2-5 pounds this week. I had made great progress. I had lost a total of ~30 pounds from where I started. I still have about 25 to go to reach my goal. Or at least I did before this week.

And now I continue my struggles with porn addiction. I view websites, download movies from filesharing software, I read dirty stories. I have really stumbled this week.

I know this is not much compared to some problems of the others on this board, but I feel like such a screw up this week. I think alot has to do with my relationship with God. I thought I had some faith last night, but today I stumble anew. I have trouble trusting God to bring a woman into my life when I have had so many painful rejections.

I am working to be a better man and then this week comes along. I suppose it will be all right eventually, but right now I feel like a turd. One positive is I am not the one who has lost a reserve unit(police car).
 
I would like to try to help you, but I am having problems doing that because I have found the police to be of NO help to me. Quite the contrary. I will say no more, because I have nothing good to say.
 
I once struggled with porn, and I still write stories to express my sexuality. In fact, I put a huge effort into cutting it all out for a long time, and it turns out that even after I gave all that up, I still wasnt happy. I went three years with no porn in any form. I found I had no way to voice my fantasies and express them. It was frustrating, and I added to that by struggling to control every though and move I made.

About a month or so ago, I began writing again. I am frustrated s-xually, and I found writing was a huge outlet for me, and a huge relief. When I got off my own back about it, and used it as an extension of my life, it has been constructive instead of destructive. I guess what Im saying is that you are single I take it. You are still human and are sexual by nature. Without a mate, or even with one, is it really that unreasonable to need some form of expressing that? Is looking at porn really hurting anyone, or are you trying to impose unreasonable expectations on yourself? I guess only you know whether you choose to use porn, or have to use it. I discovered having to use it, and choosing to are two completely different things. Im glad I took the break from it. I think it gave me a chance to see it better, and to learn how and when it was okay to use it.

In my mind, you have no outlet for your sexuality without a partner. Yet, you still have those drives. What do you expect yourself to do with all that energy? Clearly holding it all in is very frustrating and doesnt make you happy, or didnt me. In my opinion you have to allow yourself an outlet even when you dont have a partner. There are energies and fantasies that our bodies need to express in some manner to feel happy. I think many times we expect too much of ourselves. We expect ourselves to be saints of something, and we get down on ourselves for being men.

i dont know if it'll help, but i thought it might. take time and be compassionate of your needs and your life. take time to fulfill your needs, so that you can be as happy as possible during your healing.
 
My friend,

We all struggle, bro. We all make mistakes. But we also learn from them and resolve to do better next time. And, sadly, there will be a next time.

But you will do better. I'm sure of it.

Peace and love, bro. And forgive yourself.

Scot
 
Ok, here goes. I'll try.

Just because you don't feel that spark with a nice person, does not mean that you are shallow. We all have preferences or "types". It doesn't mean that we are shallow pricks. There are many different reasons why we do have types. What would be more shallow is for you to not tell her and string her along for no reason. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with her. Talk to her about it. Not doing those things makes you shallow. As for the other stuff, anytime that you fight any kind of addiction or try to lose weight, there will most likely be times that you are set back. DO NOT PUNNISH YOURSELF FOR IT!!!!! It is normal. Just get right back into your recovery program as fast as you can. Remind yourself that you have a long term goal.
 
Porn and food are ways that you may be numbing the pain you feel inside. Chances are that your intake in both go up when you are feeling worse than normal. Check out this article on the website and see if it makes any sense to you.

https://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

Good luck,
Ken
 
Just first, how do you lose a police car??

I can relate to your feeling badly of yourself. I have struggled with that so much, really I guess all my life, but have been more aware of it since starting to deal with all this. It is still so much a struggle to not think I am the fat, ugly bast*rd boy that they say I am. Sometime I can feel I have done something specific right or good, but it is not really often that I can feel myself good.

Good luck on your continuing to lose weight. I have had to lose before, and it was difficult, as I truly normally like food. But recently, since dealing with all this, I have to work hard to keep weight on, or gain it back. I do not know which is harder.

The girlfriend I have right now (I still have a hard time to believe I can call her that!), we have been friends for six years. Very good friends, have lived with each other as roommates and such, and were like even brother and sister even. And now, we are dating, slowly. There was not always 'spark' there. It can grow. If you can find someone to be even friends with, that can be something wonderful.

I wish you good luck, in everything. Please take care to keep yourself well.

Leosha
 
Parttimecop,

I just wanted to throw a couple of ideas into this thread.
I know this is not much compared to some problems of the others on this board
Click to expand...
I hope that you don't really feel like you know that, because it is not true. All of your feelings are real and valid, as much as mine or anyone elses. What hurt you is personal, or it would not hurt the way it did. The hurt is subjective, and nothing can really make a valid comparison between what happened to you and what happened to anyone else.

In the same way, the things that bother you now are personal. That makes them real and valid. There is nothing "worse" about my feeling bad because I hurt myself than your feeling bad because you gained weight or turned to porn. If it makes you feel bad, that is sufficient to make it real, as real as anything that torments anyone else.

Your feelings are as real as the world around you, and as valid as anything anyone else feels.

This next part is not directly from my own experience (I fell for my wife the second I laid eyes on her, but I know that I have a deeper love now than I did then.) so take it for what it's worth to you.

Leosha's experience shows the value of friendship. The "spark" (that for me is at least partly physical and sexual) can build slowly over time. Even if it never does, how can having a good friend, a person whom you like, be a bad thing? If this woman is attracted to you in a way that you do not feel, can you be honest with her about that? And remember that if a woman you like as a friend can see the good in you and want to return your friendship, so will others.

Thanks,

Joe
 
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