a bit lost

[Raphael]

Hi, guys.

I am still stuck with that inner child thing. Last week I went to therapy and my T asked me if I had done the exercise. As I hadn't, she suggested a role playing and put a chair in front of me suggesting that the child would be sitting there. Then she asked me to say what he looked like. I looked at the empty chair for a moment and then started to cry. I could see myself sitting there, and I could see that I was so much like my 4 year-old son. I thought about him and how bright he is and how pure and innocent, and just the thought that anything bad could ever happen to me made me burst into tears. How could someone hurt a child like that???? It is so unfair! And it hurts so much to think about that!!!

The exercise went on but I could not progress much with it. I was too scared of that child. And sorry for him. And feeling lost and abbandoned.

The next day I had a dream and it was my birthday, I was turning seven. I looked at myself in the dream and I seemed so sad, or perhaps someone in the dream said that I looked so sad. I started crying and I woke up in tears, with my heart aching in anguish.

This healing/recovery stuff is tough! It is hard work. Sometimes I wish it would all be over with quickly and I would have my happy life back. Right now it feels I am living in void. Like I am living in someone else's body and this someone has a wife and children and goes to work and smiles to friends and plans for the future... but the real me is somewhere down there inside him, just waiting to be rescued, just waiting for the movie to be over so he can go on with his real life, and be the husband his wife deserves to have, and the father he wants his children to have, and the friend who can laugh with his whole soul, and the man who is FEELING ALIVE and will walk confidently to a bright and happy future.

Thank you all for being there for me tonight.

Raphael

 

[Curtis St. John]

Raphael,

It sounds like you are doing wonderful work and that you have a really good therapist. You are getting all this stuff up and out and that is vital to getting better. Yes, it is tough, but you can do it, and every time you have a dream and process some of that junk, or cry some of it out, you are getting a little better.

Keep it up. ((((((Raphael))))))

 

[RICK57]

Raphael - once we open this Pandoras's box, actually talking about what has happened to us. Actually admitting how we feel, we are on the road to recovery.

It can be a very hard road to walk - sometimes we have to break rocks to make that road. Believe me I know it can be a very painful process, but there will come a time when you can look back and realise what progress you have made.

Best wishes ..Rik

 

[reality2k4]

Raphael, It is a difficult subject working on your inner child, reliving things the way it affected him. It can be so numbing, or that is the way I have felt.
It is tough realising what he went through, and just how he got there, but he did, and he is safe.
It is good that you cried for him, maybe you haven't cried so much for so long. I think that crying is a good way of releasing so much pain,anger, and emotion, emotions locked away.
It is a hard way of going about therapy, but I think it is so necessary to discover the hurt, to put it away and let him be who he is,

good luck,

ste

 

[Lloydy]

Raphael
It's working, your therapist is getting down to some serious work with you.

It's not easy, but did your T say it was going to be easy? I bet they didn't.

The 'empty chair' - 'inner child' technique is very effective, but it's very emotional. Stick with it, it works!

Dave

 

[FlyWM]

Working through all this is very hard, but in the end the pain leads to a brighter sunrise for us all. Facing our inner child is terribly difficult because we wish we could have protected ourselves (our inner childs) from all the pain and terror that was inflicted upon us, it is like looking into the eyes of a dying family member that we cannot help, and in a way everything that we were put through as children have killed parts of us, and now it is time to stand up and take control and let our inner child be reborn into a life full of love and acceptance, not only acceptance from us, but from those around us, something we were all starved for as children as we were abused.

I have a difficult time seeing my nephews and niece because I see all the innocence and life in them that I was robbed of, I wasn't accepted, I wasn't truly loved, I was used and thrown to the side by cruel people. Now don't get me wrong, I'm terribly glad my nephews and niece have a loving family, and have their innocence intact, I love them, but at the same time it kills me to see them there so happy knowing I was forced to be the opposite. What I'm saying is it is hard to face children, it is hard to face ourselves knowing what was stolen from us, and that is what happened, it was stolen, we did not relenquish that innocence and love, and in reality it is still within us, just hidden by all the pain.

I know the front we all put up of being all put together while deep down the true us hides, we just need to find a way to let the true us out, I know it's scary, but the first step would be to let a little of yourself out with your wife, and little by little let more out and let more see the true you, no matter how badly we are hurt.

Sorry I kinda rambled here, and sorry it was so long, I hope I didn't confuse you, and I'm sorry if I did, hell, I kinda confused myself

Peace,
Scott

 

[Raphael]

Thank you for your love and support. I really need that right now.

Last night after posting here I was feeling so sad and I guess that triggered the old bad habit of going to gay porn web sites. You know how hard I have been fighting this addiction. I had been able to keep away from those sites for five weeks. FIVE WEEKS!! I was so proud of myself and regaining some confidence that I was getting better, that I was progressing on the road to recovery. But then last night I was weak again and there I was doing what I don't want to be doing, reliving the abuse, fantasising about my brother (and perp) again. I don't need to say how much it has destroyed me. I am devastaded today. I am afraid to look at people here at work this morning because I am afraid I might start crying.

During the night I had many dreams/nightmares. Dreams of violence, of fear, of anger. I was feeling so angry in my dreams and I would shout at people. (I never express anger - and I know that this is not good and it is another effect of the SA) In one of the dreams I was walking on the street and a stranger would come near me and grab my hand, putting a cigarette in my hand. I got so upset and pushed him away. He got upset and started complaining. I then started to scream and yell at him that he had no right to put the cigarette in my hand, that I don't like it, that I am allergi to smoke. Seeing how angry I was getting he stopped and looked at me threatening me. I think he was about to get a weapon or something. I was scared. My father (who has abused me emotionally and who doesn't seem to really care much for me) appears in the dream and pushes the guy away, clearing the way so I could pass. I am surprised that he is protecting me but I am so pissed off that I keep walking energetically and with a lot of anger coming out of me. In the dream I am also angry at my father and his second wife and I almost start arguing with them. Anger, anguish, sadness, that was what the dream was all about. On another dream I had last night I was lost in a big hotel, going down the stairs, trying to find my room. I was already married but I was supposed to be getting married again on that day (and I had not divorced so I was going to have two wives) but the second marriage was just to save this young girl who is pregnant and her boyfriend does not want to marry her. I am doing that for her although I really do not want to. Then I am lost in this big hotel, trying to find my way back to the room to get changed and then go to my own wedding, knowing that everyone there is waiting for me. Again, anguish is what i feel as I search desperately for the hotel room.

Today as I read again the message I posted last night I notice a mistake I made. I wrote:

I looked at the empty chair for a moment and then started to cry. I could see myself sitting there, and I could see that I was so much like my 4 year-old son. I thought about him and how bright he is and how pure and innocent, and just the thought that anything bad could ever happen to me made me burst into tears.

I meant to say "just the thought that anything bad could ever happen to HIM", not "me"... I guess the child was trying to express himself and show me how much he is hurting.

I hope things will get better today. It is very difficult to be where I am right now.

Thanks again for your replies. They give me a lot of comfort.

Raphael

 

[dwf]

Dear Raphael,

You are doing a magnificent job of unravelling the web that sexual abuse has spread over your life.

And it is very hard work, as you so clearly describe.

Just as in working out physically in a gym, this is a kind of emotional/psychological/spiritual workout.

Releasing lots of tension, long stored up; regaining use of muscles and faculties grown weak over years; these are not easy tasks for anyone.

If you look at any type of exercise, weight lifting, yoga or other discipline, there is always of period of pause or rest between the activity part.

It is a fact that the resting period is equally as important as the working period in physical disciplines.

I think that it is also true in our emotional 'work outs'. For me, it was difficult to stop thinking, eating, breathing the pent up feelings that were awakened as I began to seek recovery from the effects of sexual abuse.

After being in denial for so long, any type of pause or stopping seemed a return to the bad old days of ignoring and pretending it didn't exist.

With the help of my therapist, I slowly began to see that in a different light. He encouraged me to try to visualize placing my dreams, fears, anxieties, worries, memories--all that was welling up inside of me--to place them with him in a safe place where I would return on a weekly basis to take care and process them.

It was very hard at first. The feelings seemed to overwhelm me. Much like you, there were many dreams.

But slowly, the urgency began to go away--perhaps as my subconcious accepted the fact that we were going to be working on this for a long time--and eventually I was able to leave it all to deal with at more appropriate times.

I do understand the bursting into tears, anxiety ridden hours spent working and going about in the 9 to 5 world. I think that most people will be very understanding with just a very simple explanation, "I'm having a tough time right now.", is all I would say.

There are some very good relaxation, centering techniques I'm sure you're therapist can suggest to use when the feelings get overwhelming. Deep breathing, meditating and physical exertion, even small ones, can bring me back to a safer place.

Your hard work in all of this will bring you much reward. Take care and remember to pause and relax in between the 'reps'.

Thanks for coming and sharing so much of yourself.

It is very inspiring.

Regards,