.

[roadrunner]

SB,

You explained it very well! When a couple are having difficulties of any kind I think it's so important to try to see how things look from your partner's point of view, and when CSA is involved this perspective is especially crucial. It seems that your ability to adopt this way of looking at things is helping you a lot, and I'm so glad for that.

But could I suggest that you not compare your own experiences as minor compared to your husband's? The difference is that yours were YOURS; they affected YOU in a terrible way, as you yourself state. They are as important to you as your husband's are to him; both present difficult challenges on the way to healing. I think if you can both appreciate how each other's great qualities have got you through the bad times, it will give you a very healthy and positive appreciation of each other both as partners and individuals.

Just an idea to think about.

Much love,
Larry

 

[honey girl]

Dear SB,

Can I add something here to Larry's gentle suggestion, and ask a rather direct question?
Do you think of yourself as a survivor, related to what you endured as an adult from your ex?
No one deserves to be abused. It doesn't really matter how old someone is, no one deserves it. For you to have been an "adult" and therefore consenting somehow is not an excuse for him to have treated you that way. Abusers (of children or of adults) tend to use very insidious techniques to lull people into feeling safe, and then gradually introduce abusive elements. Or at least that's my understanding and experience. The way they are most effective, then, is to get people to question their own judgment, and grow to accept the abuse as natural or deserved or chosen or whatever--just as long as it is not recognized as abuse.
You, however, DID realize it, and you DID get out. Congratulations!
Sure, there will be some carryover. But there are also lessons: we survivors are often very strong, very resilient, very dependable. I suspect it's not an accident that survivors often wind up in relationship with other survivors. Partly from having a sense of shared understanding, and partly because this is one way we can reach out to others, extend a hand to them in their own journey of recovery.
I do understand your feeling of admiration toward your husband for having survived what he endured, but please do remember to celebrate your own endurance too.
HG