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nursemanda25
Registrant
My husband told me about his csa early in our relationship. We had split up for 3 months, and during that time I told my best friend that he had disclosed to me and that I thought that was why things were the way they were between us. Later, after we got back together, and my husband met my friend, she asked him about it.
WOW - I opened a can of worms and emotional abuse that I could not handle... He was very angry with me for saying anything. I simply told him that because we had broken up, I was not obligated to keep his secrets. I still feel that I was right, given that at the time there was no hope for a future relationship.
Now, 5 years later, we have really begun addressing how his csa has affected our relationship, and he is now getting help. He has flat out told him never to tell anyone about this. Well, this is an issue for me because if I do not express myself and my feelings, I eventually start self-destructing through food.
I have told my one of my other good friends about what is going on...mostly because it is getting difficult to vent about our relationship and not say anything about the csa and how that affects our lives.
I didn't want to break his trust or confidentiality. But I also think that it is completely cruel to give me this kind of knowledge and then basically tell me that I am not allowed to express my feelings that are related to it. Certainly, there are many things that I cannot discuss with my husband because he would shut down and get defensive. And yes, there are things that I talk about with our counselor. But I feel that sometimes I just need to vent and need someone to listen - sometimes I know that what I'm feeling or thinking is irrational but I just need to get it out of my system.
My friend is very understanding and supportive. I wouldn't say that she takes my side, but she does try to give me objective advice and generally just listens when I need it. Her bf was molested as well, but I don't know that he has nearly the issues that my husband has (I don't think her bf's csa was longterm like my husbands was).
I guess, though, overall, I feel that it is very unfair to give me the burden of this knowledge and then expect that I'll never need to talk about it with anyone but my husband or our counselor. For me anyway, that is asking too much. I'm not a gossip by any means, but sometimes things just need to be talked about.
WOW - I opened a can of worms and emotional abuse that I could not handle... He was very angry with me for saying anything. I simply told him that because we had broken up, I was not obligated to keep his secrets. I still feel that I was right, given that at the time there was no hope for a future relationship.
Now, 5 years later, we have really begun addressing how his csa has affected our relationship, and he is now getting help. He has flat out told him never to tell anyone about this. Well, this is an issue for me because if I do not express myself and my feelings, I eventually start self-destructing through food.
I have told my one of my other good friends about what is going on...mostly because it is getting difficult to vent about our relationship and not say anything about the csa and how that affects our lives.
I didn't want to break his trust or confidentiality. But I also think that it is completely cruel to give me this kind of knowledge and then basically tell me that I am not allowed to express my feelings that are related to it. Certainly, there are many things that I cannot discuss with my husband because he would shut down and get defensive. And yes, there are things that I talk about with our counselor. But I feel that sometimes I just need to vent and need someone to listen - sometimes I know that what I'm feeling or thinking is irrational but I just need to get it out of my system.
My friend is very understanding and supportive. I wouldn't say that she takes my side, but she does try to give me objective advice and generally just listens when I need it. Her bf was molested as well, but I don't know that he has nearly the issues that my husband has (I don't think her bf's csa was longterm like my husbands was).
I guess, though, overall, I feel that it is very unfair to give me the burden of this knowledge and then expect that I'll never need to talk about it with anyone but my husband or our counselor. For me anyway, that is asking too much. I'm not a gossip by any means, but sometimes things just need to be talked about.
Guys, how my wife and I worked this out (because I asked her not to tell anyone) is that she went in by herself for a session with my therapist. Turned out to be a great idea. She was able to get a better understanding of what was going on with me, and he helped her with some of her issues dealing with it. Plus, it also helped with my own T sessions.
I have often felt that I am in collusion with my husband protecting his perp. It's the old "there's an elephant in the parlor" and no one is talking about it syndrome. So much makes sense when put in the context of csa. This issue of confidentiality was compounded when we lived through a criminal trial against the perp. We were in a tiny town with little babies and a network of friends and we would disappear for days on end . . . or my friends would be talking about their marriages and I couldn't talk about the stresses in my marriage (for four long years as the trial wore on) . . . it is incredibly, incredibly isolating.
However, I have only recently realized how I use my husband's story to express my own issues sometimes. I will talk with friends about HIM instead of learning how to communicate about my own experiences.
This is such a tough topic. So much of the time I feel like screaming - and sometimes AT my husband - "Don't you see that you're letting *&^%4#!11 destroy our family just like he destroyed your family!"
I could write A LOT about this topic. I fully appreciate the value of sharing in a safe context (i.e., this forum), but sometimes I wish it were ok to talk about these issues without the fear of judgment.
Silence is awful.
Cecilia
However, I have only recently realized how I use my husband's story to express my own issues sometimes. I will talk with friends about HIM instead of learning how to communicate about my own experiences.
This is such a tough topic. So much of the time I feel like screaming - and sometimes AT my husband - "Don't you see that you're letting *&^%4#!11 destroy our family just like he destroyed your family!"
I could write A LOT about this topic. I fully appreciate the value of sharing in a safe context (i.e., this forum), but sometimes I wish it were ok to talk about these issues without the fear of judgment.
Silence is awful.
Cecilia
I think there is a difference between someone asking you to keep quiet about issues that directly affect your life and issues that don't.
Infidelity, abuse, financial troubles, parenting issues-- things that affect a partner in the present, on a daily basis-- no one should have to deal with these issues alone just because they are related to someone else's abuse.
The actual trauma of my partner's abuse, his flashbacks, his nightmares, his feelings about his parents, how and to whom he's disclosed, his choices about therapy, how he comes to terms with his acting out-- none of that is my story to tell. I think I have a responsibility as his trusted friend to let him know if the things that he's sharing are too much for me to bear, and at that point, he has a responsibility to take it somewhere else and not make me his therapist.
To put it another way, the original post asks what you do when the pain in the relationship is so great that you need to talk about what's the matter. I guess my answer is, my partner's CSA is not "what's the matter" with my relationship. If I can't define and isolate the present issues that are causing me pain a bit more precisely than that, I'm labeling and limiting the both of us.
The question of "who do we really protect with our silence" raises another question for me, too: When we decide that we NEED to discuss our partner's sexual abuse issues with someone, what is it that we really need and does the discussion really move us closer to that goal?
Sometimes partners need to know that we're not alone, or need support during a lonely time, or just need to let out some sorrow and anger. In those cases, having an outlet is important for sure.
But I think a lot of the "I need to talk" feelings are really about other things we need; more intimacy, a sense that we are important to the survivor's recovery process, quicker healing for him, retribution/revenge/justice for the abuse, an apology from the survivor?-- none of these are illegitimate to need or want, I just don't think that forcing a discussion with the survivor or breaking his trust is a productive way to get these things.
Infidelity, abuse, financial troubles, parenting issues-- things that affect a partner in the present, on a daily basis-- no one should have to deal with these issues alone just because they are related to someone else's abuse.
The actual trauma of my partner's abuse, his flashbacks, his nightmares, his feelings about his parents, how and to whom he's disclosed, his choices about therapy, how he comes to terms with his acting out-- none of that is my story to tell. I think I have a responsibility as his trusted friend to let him know if the things that he's sharing are too much for me to bear, and at that point, he has a responsibility to take it somewhere else and not make me his therapist.
To put it another way, the original post asks what you do when the pain in the relationship is so great that you need to talk about what's the matter. I guess my answer is, my partner's CSA is not "what's the matter" with my relationship. If I can't define and isolate the present issues that are causing me pain a bit more precisely than that, I'm labeling and limiting the both of us.
The question of "who do we really protect with our silence" raises another question for me, too: When we decide that we NEED to discuss our partner's sexual abuse issues with someone, what is it that we really need and does the discussion really move us closer to that goal?
Sometimes partners need to know that we're not alone, or need support during a lonely time, or just need to let out some sorrow and anger. In those cases, having an outlet is important for sure.
But I think a lot of the "I need to talk" feelings are really about other things we need; more intimacy, a sense that we are important to the survivor's recovery process, quicker healing for him, retribution/revenge/justice for the abuse, an apology from the survivor?-- none of these are illegitimate to need or want, I just don't think that forcing a discussion with the survivor or breaking his trust is a productive way to get these things.
nursemanda25
Registrant
Based on some of the posts made after mine, I would like to clarify.
My husband knows that I come to this discussion board... I sometimes urge him to come here, but I don't think he has and could be a long while before he does. At first he was apprehensive about me being here and wanted to know how anonymous it is... I reassured him the best I could...but he does know that I talk about his csa here.
As far as me talking to my friend....I do not give her intimate details of my husband's story. There are times when I need to vent about our marriage, or his behavior, or whatever has me ticked off (things that I don't need a counselor for, but don't really want to upset my husband by telling him either).... this seems to be pretty normal for any marriage - but some of those things sound weird to those who don't know that my husband has csa in his past. So my friend knows that much - that my husband was sexually abused by his stepfather, that our relationship has experienced some fairly typical issues considering my husband's past(for as much as it is possible to stereotype, anyway), that my husband's behaviors are typical given his past, and that these things affect me and our relationship........ somedays I just need to vent!
It was to a point with me that I could not talk much about our marriage, and most people would have thought that it was nearly perfect or would wonder why he gets upset with me for weird things. Its difficult to have feelings about something that you just need to talk about, but if you say it without context, you'd just sound crazy.
Thats where I am with this.... It certainly is not a daily topic with anyone (either my husband, our counselor, or my friend).
My husband knows that I come to this discussion board... I sometimes urge him to come here, but I don't think he has and could be a long while before he does. At first he was apprehensive about me being here and wanted to know how anonymous it is... I reassured him the best I could...but he does know that I talk about his csa here.
As far as me talking to my friend....I do not give her intimate details of my husband's story. There are times when I need to vent about our marriage, or his behavior, or whatever has me ticked off (things that I don't need a counselor for, but don't really want to upset my husband by telling him either).... this seems to be pretty normal for any marriage - but some of those things sound weird to those who don't know that my husband has csa in his past. So my friend knows that much - that my husband was sexually abused by his stepfather, that our relationship has experienced some fairly typical issues considering my husband's past(for as much as it is possible to stereotype, anyway), that my husband's behaviors are typical given his past, and that these things affect me and our relationship........ somedays I just need to vent!
It was to a point with me that I could not talk much about our marriage, and most people would have thought that it was nearly perfect or would wonder why he gets upset with me for weird things. Its difficult to have feelings about something that you just need to talk about, but if you say it without context, you'd just sound crazy.
Thats where I am with this.... It certainly is not a daily topic with anyone (either my husband, our counselor, or my friend).
after a bit i thought i might add some more to what i said above.
it seems that most survivors, except those in the advanced stages of recovery, seem to see what happened to them in the context of the present - that is, it's a nightmare w/o end, one that continues on in their lives, even if it happened years, maybe decades in the past. even if they disclose it and act as if it was something in the past, their symptoms may very well belie the fact they are still having difficulty with this trauma.
however, for the partner, the first time they hear this, it *is* something that happenED - as in past tense - to the survivor. furthermore, once completely processed, this revelation can be extremely and profoundly disturbing. it makes no matter whether the two are married or just friends, if someone cares about another person, to hear that person has been hurt in such a dreadful manner as in csa, well, it's deeply troubling for the partner to hear this. if the two are married and have children, yes, initially questions are raised that need to be answered.
now, imagine for a moment a friend tells you he was in an auto accident as child, almost died, maybe spent months in the hospital and to this day still has injuries, or maybe scars, from that accident. maybe it explains why he can't run andor throw a baseball, or some other kind of sports.
so you and your partner are invited to a large group gathering outdoors where maybe a ball game or other activity will take place - would you hesitate to explain why he couldn't join in if someone asked? that is, maybe not details but he's been injured, cannot do x, y, z, etc. and that would be that.
this is not in any way whatsoever meant to trivilize the effect csa has on someone's life so please don't think that's what i'm doing.
what i am saying is it's very clear that part of the problem in healing from csa is the social stigma (whether real or imagined, maybe a bit of both) attached to the trauma.
this stigma is partly related to a generally held viewpoint that people just shouldn't talk about csa which of course, leads to all kinds of misconceptions and the kinds of myths discussed on this website.
now i certainly don't expect everyone to accept my own personal philosophy in life which is "breaking the silence" (originally nothing to do w/csa but certainly is applicable) but i do think it should be at least considered that a survivor's view of what must be kept a secret may very well be detrimental to the survivor's well being. that is, sometimes a partner is obliged to take responsibility and act upon their own knowledge and sense of what is healthy and correct and share information for the good of both involved.
we all do this from time to time - how many times have you chastised a friend to quit smoking? to not drive so fast? or to encourage a younger person to pursue their education? or in the context of sharing information - if one knew a friend or relative's child had been abused - would any of you keep it a secret knowing what you all know? wouldn't you report it immediately to whomever you thought would protect the child?
of course you would - in this context, while the survivor is no longer a child, at one time he was not properly protected (for whatever reason) and as long as this is foremost in his mind, his concern is that by sharing this secret he is once again becoming vulnerable to harm.
on the contrary, this time, someone is trying to protect him from further hurt and harm.
in a healthy relationship partners look out for one another.
i think sometimes we also have to look out for ourselves by sharing our partner's csa in a way that helps us to help him. i think we share so we can better understand our relationship with him and whether or not it's something we want, need, or can even continue - or should continue. we do it for all kinds of reasons, but i don't think any of them are for negative reasons. we aren't doing it to hurt him, and that is the most important point of all. the hurt was done by the abuser. in order to heal, this hurt needs to be identified and treated.
in order for that to happen, communication on many levels which includes the survivor, their partner, and yes, eventually society, is key.
indy
it seems that most survivors, except those in the advanced stages of recovery, seem to see what happened to them in the context of the present - that is, it's a nightmare w/o end, one that continues on in their lives, even if it happened years, maybe decades in the past. even if they disclose it and act as if it was something in the past, their symptoms may very well belie the fact they are still having difficulty with this trauma.
however, for the partner, the first time they hear this, it *is* something that happenED - as in past tense - to the survivor. furthermore, once completely processed, this revelation can be extremely and profoundly disturbing. it makes no matter whether the two are married or just friends, if someone cares about another person, to hear that person has been hurt in such a dreadful manner as in csa, well, it's deeply troubling for the partner to hear this. if the two are married and have children, yes, initially questions are raised that need to be answered.
now, imagine for a moment a friend tells you he was in an auto accident as child, almost died, maybe spent months in the hospital and to this day still has injuries, or maybe scars, from that accident. maybe it explains why he can't run andor throw a baseball, or some other kind of sports.
so you and your partner are invited to a large group gathering outdoors where maybe a ball game or other activity will take place - would you hesitate to explain why he couldn't join in if someone asked? that is, maybe not details but he's been injured, cannot do x, y, z, etc. and that would be that.
this is not in any way whatsoever meant to trivilize the effect csa has on someone's life so please don't think that's what i'm doing.
what i am saying is it's very clear that part of the problem in healing from csa is the social stigma (whether real or imagined, maybe a bit of both) attached to the trauma.
this stigma is partly related to a generally held viewpoint that people just shouldn't talk about csa which of course, leads to all kinds of misconceptions and the kinds of myths discussed on this website.
now i certainly don't expect everyone to accept my own personal philosophy in life which is "breaking the silence" (originally nothing to do w/csa but certainly is applicable) but i do think it should be at least considered that a survivor's view of what must be kept a secret may very well be detrimental to the survivor's well being. that is, sometimes a partner is obliged to take responsibility and act upon their own knowledge and sense of what is healthy and correct and share information for the good of both involved.
we all do this from time to time - how many times have you chastised a friend to quit smoking? to not drive so fast? or to encourage a younger person to pursue their education? or in the context of sharing information - if one knew a friend or relative's child had been abused - would any of you keep it a secret knowing what you all know? wouldn't you report it immediately to whomever you thought would protect the child?
of course you would - in this context, while the survivor is no longer a child, at one time he was not properly protected (for whatever reason) and as long as this is foremost in his mind, his concern is that by sharing this secret he is once again becoming vulnerable to harm.
on the contrary, this time, someone is trying to protect him from further hurt and harm.
in a healthy relationship partners look out for one another.
i think sometimes we also have to look out for ourselves by sharing our partner's csa in a way that helps us to help him. i think we share so we can better understand our relationship with him and whether or not it's something we want, need, or can even continue - or should continue. we do it for all kinds of reasons, but i don't think any of them are for negative reasons. we aren't doing it to hurt him, and that is the most important point of all. the hurt was done by the abuser. in order to heal, this hurt needs to be identified and treated.
in order for that to happen, communication on many levels which includes the survivor, their partner, and yes, eventually society, is key.
indy