.

WOW Indy your b/f has the same stuff going on as my hus. I can TOTALLY relate to all of it.

It's almost as if you want to shout at him, "This is ME! Your girlfriend! I'm not your abuser!!! HELLOOOOOOO!!"

I want to write more about this but have to go somewhere in a minute.

Maybe if he'll get a T he will come to understand at least on an intellectual level why he acts as he does with you, then be able to separate you from the abuser??? It does sound like they see us as the abuser, huh.

I came home from being out of town for a wk and he hugged/kissed our daughter a lot, and gave me a peck on the cheek. I no longer even move forward for a hug, I am stand-offish. It hurts me to be missing so much of what I need. Oh well maybe it won't be this way forever, I have to keep reminding myself...don't have any idea when he may talk to someone but I have to wait and see what happens THEN because things COULD improve somewhat then.

I'll write more later -- YOU'RE not alone!!!!
 
I feel it actually looks like he is confusing you with a potential abuser and also that he might have the wrong belief that he was somewhat responsible for provoking the abuse. Having helped a male survivor friend recently, the reason behind this second feeling is that it is very difficult for a survivor to accept having been totally powerless over what happen so believing in being guilty is in a way keeping the control on what happened.
I have been there too and V also. I remember telling V so may times, repeating it so that he would hear it at some point "I am not your mother" (his abuser). "I love you and I wn't hurt you".
It seems that he feels very safe with you to allow these emotions to come up but be aware that acting out can also be violent so keep your boundaries and do not hesitate to say when he is being unfair or abusive
 
ladies, thank you for your comments.

while new understanding brings clarity to our lives, it certainly doesn't lessen the pain - if anything, it just hurts more thinking about what he's endured.

then when others identify it's like, jees, more pain, i'm so sorry to hear about that also.

being strong for survivors is really hard; but then, it's not as hard as being a survivor, of course.

i think together we can all get through this.

thanks again, i've posted an update to our relationship.

all the best,
indy
 
Indy,

This one slipped under my radar while I was in Germany it seems.

You raise an interesting point, but just to be clear, I'm not sure I would describe how your bf behaves as a result of grooming. "Grooming" is the process by which a pedophile prepares a child for abuse, using lies, gifts and other inducements to make the child feel safe with or dependent upon the abuser. His purpose is to get the child to accept the abuse - when it comes - as part of a relationship that he doesn't want to lose.

So much of what your bf is saying and doing actually reflects pretty exactly the tremendous emotional damage that CSA inflicts on its victims. Every line of what you describe can be traced back to the low self-esteem, lack of confidence, and difficulties with trust that plague so many survivors.

Maybe it would be helpful to repeat something I have said in the past several times in this forum. So many of the hurtful and disrespectful things that survivors do and say do NOT reflect how they really feel about their partners. Rather, these things so often show how distorted the survivor's view of the world has become and how low his opinion of himself is. This is a continuation of all the false lessons abuse taught him years ago.

It's this heap of false lessons, learned DURING abuse, and not the grooming that comes BEFORE abuse, that results in the problems you see before you.

I can't stress enough how experiences early in life can shape our futures. Take trust, for example. A young child will usually trust the world and feel he is safe in it so long as he is with adults he knows. But then one of these people betrays his trust and abuses him. That horrific experience burns into his mind the feeling that no one can be trusted and that catastrophic harm can come to him from any direction at any time. That terrible feeling is false, of course. But trust isn't something we can turn on and off like the lights. It has to be carefully relearned, along with an appreciation of appropriate boundaries. And THAT is a very difficult indeed because the survivor doesn't even trust himself to set out on this task, or anyone else who is prepared to help him.

Hope this helps.

Much love,
Larry
 
Larry,

thanks for your comments - i think i'm only now beginning to process the various possibilities of what may have happened to him and understanding comes slowly, but it is coming, thank goodness. i say that because the perpetual "why does he do this or that?" is so unbearable and frustrating.

It's this heap of false lessons, learned DURING abuse, and not the grooming that comes BEFORE abuse, that results in the problems you see before you.
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i didn't see it like this before and am still not exactly sure how to comprehend it, but am certain it will get through also, with a little more time.

again, thanks for taking the time and effort to answer my multitude of questions.

all the best,
indy
 
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