.

Sorry Mary. Take your time. You will find support on this forum, both from men who are survivors and women in relationships with survivors. There is much to talk about. Read some of the threads here and share when the spirit moves you... as you did on the Marriage Counseling thread. We give hugs as Morgan demonstrates.... (((Mary)))
 
You share what all of the women who come to this forum share... love for a partner mixed with the great pain of feeling them slipping away into a world that you don't understand and can't accept. I've been married four times, so I've disappointed quite a few women. I participate on this forum primarily to encourage women to do what you did... take care of yourself and set boundaries that work for you. Yes, this brings up great pain when love is involved. But as you understand, your love can't fix your husband's problems. His behavior mirrors what so many of the men here experience it is hard not concluding there is trauma in his past. That, of course, doesn't make your decision wrong. If there is trauma, it will be up to him to seek support. You definitely have to maintain limits that enable you to feel secure. Being exposed to venereal disease certainly is not something you would want to do.

I hope you have support in your life... a therapist perhaps, a good friend... a church or social community. With COVID on the scene it is difficult to make contact. I very much feel hug deprived, though my fourth wife, who set some firm boundaries with me early last year, remains a dear friend and we're each protecting ourselves so that we can maintain contact. The hugs we share are wonderful. Regardless, I'm glad you came to MS. My guess is you'll hear from a few women at some point if you decide to remain. Take exquisite care of yourself Mary. There is no reason for you to become a casualty of your husband's trauma experiences.
 
fwiw, I deleted my first post, and then found another comfortable way in here. ((MaryC)) even if you do not get back together, you have a lot to sort through for yourself and this forum may be able to give you some support and understanding and compassion for yourself. Welcome.
 
...I'd love to know thoughts from folks here on that model. Again thank you for reading and for your kindness and advice.

I'm active in a 12 Step fellowship, Overeaters Anonymous. Food has been one of the ways I've soothed myself when life becomes intolerable. Last year with the help of a woman in program we created a new meeting with the title Childhood Trauma and Its Impact. It is relatively easy to start a meeting. We got support from our local Intergroup and then I registered the meeting at the World Service website. I was confused when the website didn't confirm the meeting had been established. A few days later I received a telephone call from the Trustee for our region who was concerned about what we were up to. I'd heard from a program friend a few years ago that a friend of hers who works for an eating disorder program telling her that they WILL NOT refer people to OA simply because 12 Step programs do not acknowledge the role trauma plays in addictive behavior.

We eventually were approved but the meeting is under the special focus of "Health Issues" and not Childhood Trauma. The Trustee took the matter to the Board of Trustees and they didn't approve my request that Childhood Trauma be added as a special focus. The local meeting moved to the internet through Zoom when face-to-face meetings ended last March and over the months we've had people from all over the United State attending. Everyone has expressed their relief at being able to acknowledge their trauma as they speak about their struggles with food and with life. Generally, "trauma" is treated as an outside issue which to my mind is INSANE. Every addiction is rooted in trauma.

I remain committed to my fellowship in large measure because the community has been so supportive. I've developed loving relationships that have made my journey healing trauma possible. But I have to reframe much of the language in the 12 Steps because it wants me to affirm that I'M the problem and insists that my changing my behavior is the solution to the problem. I know full well that my behavior has been a problem... that I've created suffering for myself and for others. I have work to do, amends to make... but not from a place of being defective as the Steps say I am. I call BULLSHIT on that.

It is possible to use the frame of the 12 Steps to do healing work, but one must be able to unhook from the snares built into the program which feed shame, the primary feeling held by survivors of trauma. You can't start there. You have to start with self-compassion and that comes from acknowledging how trauma affects development of our brains and our humanness. We act out the trauma but it really is the best we can do... until we find ways to heal.

This video is powerful... it explores trauma, addictions, brain development. This man appreciates the 12 Steps but says the big thing missing is acknowledgement of trauma.


Excuse me for getting on my soapbox, but I feel strongly about this. You may have done things in your relationship that you regret, but your husband's behavior is rooted in HIS trauma. Alanon my help you set effective limits, but don't for a moment allow them to tell you you have contributed to the suffering your husband has brought into your relationship. I call BULLSHIT on that too.
 
Last edited:
((((Mary C)))
I would suggest Alanon, not that your survivor is an alcoholic, because you quick find out that it’s not about him. The program is about you!! How to develop boundaries, how to take care of yourself and how to detach with love. My survivor has been sober for 9 years but now is addicted to porn, but Alanon is helping me find some peace, which leads me to respond differently to his acting out. Don’t misunderstand this is awful and there are days that I want to run and hide, but there are also good days. This is a safe place to vent or to get validation.
 
Top