...I'd love to know thoughts from folks here on that model. Again thank you for reading and for your kindness and advice.
I'm active in a 12 Step fellowship, Overeaters Anonymous. Food has been one of the ways I've soothed myself when life becomes intolerable. Last year with the help of a woman in program we created a new meeting with the title
Childhood Trauma and Its Impact. It is relatively easy to start a meeting. We got support from our local Intergroup and then I registered the meeting at the World Service website. I was confused when the website didn't confirm the meeting had been established. A few days later I received a telephone call from the Trustee for our region who was concerned about what we were up to. I'd heard from a program friend a few years ago that a friend of hers who works for an eating disorder program telling her that they WILL NOT refer people to OA simply because 12 Step programs do not acknowledge the role trauma plays in addictive behavior.
We eventually were approved but the meeting is under the special focus of "Health Issues" and not Childhood Trauma. The Trustee took the matter to the Board of Trustees and they didn't approve my request that Childhood Trauma be added as a special focus. The local meeting moved to the internet through Zoom when face-to-face meetings ended last March and over the months we've had people from all over the United State attending. Everyone has expressed their relief at being able to acknowledge their trauma as they speak about their struggles with food and with life. Generally, "trauma" is treated as an outside issue which to my mind is INSANE. Every addiction is rooted in trauma.
I remain committed to my fellowship in large measure because the community has been so supportive. I've developed loving relationships that have made my journey healing trauma possible. But I have to reframe much of the language in the 12 Steps because it wants me to affirm that I'M the problem and insists that my changing my behavior is the solution to the problem. I know full well that my behavior has been a problem... that I've created suffering for myself and for others. I have work to do, amends to make... but not from a place of being defective as the Steps say I am. I call BULLSHIT on that.
It is possible to use the frame of the 12 Steps to do healing work, but one must be able to unhook from the snares built into the program which feed shame, the primary feeling held by survivors of trauma. You can't start there. You have to start with self-compassion and that comes from acknowledging how trauma affects development of our brains and our humanness. We act out the trauma but it really is the best we can do... until we find ways to heal.
This video is powerful... it explores trauma, addictions, brain development. This man appreciates the 12 Steps but says the big thing missing is acknowledgement of trauma.
Excuse me for getting on my soapbox, but I feel strongly about this. You may have done things in your relationship that you regret, but your husband's behavior is rooted in HIS trauma. Alanon my help you set effective limits, but don't for a moment allow them to tell you you have contributed to the suffering your husband has brought into your relationship. I call BULLSHIT on that too.