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TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
(((((Toad)))))

I know we've never really talked much - but I hope you are ok with safe hugs

They say the body never forgets - trust what your body is telling you

My parents are shocked that I can remember some thigs from clear back when I was about 3 - I know it's not normal to remember things from that far back - but I can - my mother did not believe me until I explained that I remembered the bathtub that was pink all around it and that had a Bullwinkle ring toss that I loved - they moved out of that place that they were renting when I was 39 months old
 
Sorry Toad. It is good to get it out. By doing so, it somehow gives it less power. It allows you to heal more.

I have similar body memories.

(((((((Toad)))))))
 

manipulated

Moderator
Staff member
Hopefully telling it here will loosen its grip and allow the release and peaceful sleep to replace this repeated trauma memory. It never helps in the moment but the mind only replays even in sleep what it believes you are finally strong enough to deal with awake. Progress. Troubling. Painful. Hurtful. Anxiety of death provoking but progress.
 
I still struggle with not having clear memories. Today with my T for some reason during our talk about my family I cant make myself hate then yet in said how I cried at times with my grandfather don’t know why i said that. It upset me and she asked more but god I can’t remover details but I just started to cry. However the stuff I do recall clearly I was happy and liked it which I hate myself for that.

I am trying to accept that “gut feeling” is there for a reason. My T and others here have told me I have to recognize that feeling it’s there for a reason.
 

BMB

Registrant
Toad, I am sorry you are going through this.

After I disclosed my abuse to my wife and my therapist I started to have those kinds of dreams.

They were clear, vivid and they would wake me up.
After I was out of the dream, I was right into a wake-up nightmare: the body sensations were crazy.
And I shared that again, now about the new ones, with the same body sensations.
And I had new variations of the same theme. And I shared it. I talked with my therapist.
And I tried to do something with my body. In my case, acupuncture helped me so much.

After sharing, after trying to face them and also dealing with my body gently, they lose their powers.

I still know them. I know those sensations, and what comes with them: the fear, the shame, the disgust...

What I want to say is that they can, at least, lose their power. And you will have some time to breathe.
 
However the stuff I do recall clearly I was happy and liked it which I hate myself for that.
It doesn't matter that you "liked" it. Your body responds to touch. That is how we are built. It doesn't change the fact that it was wrong what they did, and it doesn't change the fact that it was NOT YOUR FAULT.
 

DannyT

Registrant
Toad,

People sure do some terrible things to each other, don't they? Sorry you got that reality check so early.

Keep sharing.

The sores run deep and the hideous smelling stories inside them are the remaining poison from that long ago event. The more of that poison you push out, the quicker you can heal.

We've all been there.

You're safe to share it here.
 

DannyT

Registrant
Beware of getting into a trap of self doubt. Your memories are your memories. If you want to see if your memory matches real world physiology, you could just draw a picture of what you think happened to see if the body would work that way. It sure sounds like a body's experience would work the way you say it did.

A lot of us have these doubts about our memories.
 
Thanks for the help everyone.
I agree these are real memories. I haven't ever done any of these things to know what they would feel like. I have no way of knowing that having it done in those different positions feels different like that.
But I do know. Or at least I think I know.

I suppose that is what I really am wanting.
To see if this was what it was like for others.
Was anyone abused orally in different positions when they were very little? And if so was it similar for you.
For me it feels like when I was in an upright position it hit the back of my throat. But when I was on my hands and knees over a pillow it went down my throat.

But I get mad at myself. Why does it even matter to me? Why do I need for someone else to have had the same experience for me to feel like it may of happened to me? Part of me knows it is true and happened this way. But the rest of me won't believe it unless I have outside validation.

@Toad - I hear you loud & clear... I was a very young boy too & because of the severe trauma my mind when I was a kid remembers nothing from birth till about the age of 7...but my body remembers. Loud & clear. Except because I was so young & it doesn't 'seem' to be a proper memory because it comes in flashes or in reactions to a photo etc I somehow invalidate it. But my mouth, face & eyes know. Absolutely. 'The Body Knows the Score.'

EMDR released compressed muscles from behind one of my eye sockets that I never knew I had an issue with for over 50 years. And that was when I was being treated for oral flashbacks. I feel your anguish - a part of me wishes I was older so at least I would have more of a a 'concrete' 'definitive' memory but whatever way the abuse has happened it's an abomination & that's putting it mildly.

I read an article many years ago by a Dr Kali Munro - a psychotherapist based in Toronto called 'Trusting Your Memories of Sexual Abuse'. It's still on Google as I've just found it again. He talks about implicit memories of abuse as being like 'someone with brain damage who cannot remember learning to play the piano but can still play the piano.' For many of us we have no concrete memories of the abuse but its more than clear with things we know at the core of our being, body memories, sweats, terror, unexplained smells, depersonalization. It's well worth a read.
 

MaxUK

Registrant
I have very vivid dreams. In my memory I am involved, but in my dreams I can see the two guys who abused me and they are with someone doing stuff and I’m sat there as I am now, an adult, watching. I have different variations of the same dream. Have had that for years
 

Trapped765

Registrant
Trigger alert. Possible.
I am so sorry you went through that stuff. When I started oral I did not have a gag reflex for some reason. They liked to put me on all fours so that more of their cocks would fit in my face. I often had them down into my throat. I understand this happens more often with smaller sized bodies trying to handle larger than average size cocks.
Even as an adult they would lay me face up on something and have my head hanging off the side so my throat was a straight shot for them. The number of times I thought I was dead because I passed out that they left it in there to long are to numerous to count. For me it usually felt like cramps. Like you get when you hold in a major sneeze.
I have talked to others about this and it's seems to be a fairly common thing to the girls and guys I have talked to. Especially those who were used as little kids.
I hope this helps. Stay strong you survived this far you will thrive as time goes on.
 

Toad

Registrant
I often had them down into my throat. I understand this happens more often with smaller sized bodies
Thank you for sharing that Trapped 765.
I was very little. They had ready access to me between 1 1/2 and about 5. So everything is really hazy.

I don't know what I am trying to prove. But it feels like I need outside validation to prove it really happened to me.
It should be enough having the flashbacks and dreams to know this is what happened.
I have never had oral sex apart from the abuse. How would I know the difference in the way they position you, how little you are and how far down your throat they go.
It is one of those things that I shouldn't know but do. It helps knowing that I am not alone in this. Thanks again
 

TJ jeff

Moderator
Staff member
You are certainly not alone in this Toad - my uncle is slightly above average and as time went on he kept trying to go deeper - I remember a bench that I would lay across and it would position my head better so he could go down my throat - I know there were times I was super close to passing out - maybe I did - not even sure
 

Toad

Registrant
Thanks TJ Jeff.

That helps a lot. In my dreams and flashbacks while they are raping me and are way down my throat I keep having this feeling of not being able to breathe and then this spinning feeling. The spinning feels familiar but I couldn't quite place it.
But since I was a kid some times when I stand up I will pass out. Most of the time my vision blacks out and come to before I fall down. But that is the feeling I couldn't place. It is blacking out and coming to.
Your comment helped.
times I was super close to passing out - maybe I did -
That is what I have been feeling.
Thank you
 
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